Harry Potter and the Very Potter Sequel
by charmed-star11
Summary: The highly anticipated Sequel for my previous story...it's been a long time coming.
1. Act 1 Scene 1

Act 1 Scene 1

The teens had enjoyed their new friendship immensely with singing and dancing around to songs from the musical. Harry wasn't pale and shaking anymore from Voldemort's curse and the Dark Lord hadn't been given his option because he had broken the golden rule in this dimension: no magic. It wouldn't have been too hard but the rule had been lifted for a brief moment so Voldemort could be Portkeyed out and the Dark Lord had taken advantage of the reprieve.

"Hey, ready for the sequel?"

"Of course, can't have us hanging!" They all resumed seats on the couch. The two Professors, Dumbledore and Snape, sat back and observed as the screen loaded a new playlist and then the first scene started, darker music filling the speakers.

"Wow, it already seems bad…" Until they caught sight of the screen showing a blonde man in a cloak.

**Lucius: You're late.**

**Yaxley: Late? What's it matter? Look at this morning's Prophet, "The Boy-Who-Lived Does it Again", "The Dark Lord Dead For Good." I knew it! We backed the wrong side,**

"So this is after the final battle…my father looks worse than me."

"Who do you think the Death Eater is?"

"I have no clue to be honest."

**Again!**

**Lucius: Calm yourself Yaxley.**

"Well, he's not a notorious Death Eater but pretty formidable."

**Yaxley: All us Death Eaters are going to Azkaban now. NO! NO-no-no-no-no-no!**

**Lucius: Do you have what I sent you for or not?**

"Is he skipping?"

"Oh hell, this might explain my rolling around."

**Yaxley: Yeah I got it. (pulls out pouch) I had to break into the Ministry for it but I got it.**

**Lucius: Excellent.**

**Yaxley: And you should see the Ministry. The Dark Lord not dead more than a day and they've already got the wizard cops out after us.**

"Don't they mean Aurors?"

"Probably but why try and put that in the script when that sounds funnier?"

"True, but Auror is just such a cool word!"

"Shut it Ron."

**Lucius: Damn those wizard cops! Well, none of that matters anymore for as long as we have this.**

**Yaxley: Who do you think you are? We don't stand a chance against the wizard cops. Not even you Lucius Malfoy.**

**Lucius: (singing) Don't ever tell me what I can't do. I'd watch my tongue if I were you for all we know, You-Know-Who could be watching us.**

"He's being a complete girl!"

**Yaxley: (spoken) He can't be, he's dead!**

**Lucius: (singing) That never stopped our plans before. You've no idea what I have in store. You really think that you'd be at my door if we had nothing to discuss? He may be gone but that is just as well.**

"He's lost his mind too!"

**Come inside, don't you fret for it's not over yet.**

"Why can't I be left alone?"

"They hate your guts for taking away their glory Potter."

**Death Eaters: (singing) Evil Plans, we are making evil plans. Evil deeds with evil hands, we are making evil plans.**

"I killed the bastard already…what the hell do they want now?"

"In this you didn't actually kill him, he reunited with Quirrell."

"Either way, I stopped his evil tirade."

"Won't argue that one with you."

**Death Eater 1: (speaking) Lucius Malfoy, why have you called us here?**

**Death Eater 2: What do we do Lucius?**

**Death Eater 3: There is nothing to do, the Dark Lord is dead. Harry Potter wins, end of story.**

**Lucius: Yes, I know, I know. He marries Ginny, they live happily ever after.**

"We do?"

"Yes!" Harry just chuckled at his girlfriend. They had been dating a month and now knew they were to marry.

"Not until you are both out of school!"

"Buzz kill Hermione…buzz kill."

**There is literally no way to move forward from this point.**

"What is your plan then…unless…"

"Hermione…"

"Time turners are of various strengths, none more than a year."

**Yaxley: Then why are we all here?**

**Lucius: I was just getting to that. Harry Potter (Death Eaters growl), we're in this sorry state because of him and to think of all the chances we had to destroy him. Why if we had destroyed him at his first year at Hogwarts, we'd be ruling the world right now!**

"You're right Hermione…he's going back in time."

**Death Eater 1: Yes Lucius, no one is arguing that.**

**Death Eater 2: What does it matter? We can't change the past.**

**Lucius: Oh? (singing) I know it seems impossible. We've been thrown off our track but if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back? (pulls out Time Turner)**

"Wow, they actually have a pretty decent replica."

"I'm just glad they don't do that because I really don't want to go back unless it's my third year."

**Friends and companions of evil and sin, think not of loss but a new way to win! For what is a present without a beginning to start it all?**

**Yaxley: Go on.**

**Lucius: There is a boy that everyone knows, the plan is simple. I propose that that we choke the weed before it grows up and ends it all. Do you follow me?**

**Death Eater 1: No.**

**Lucius: The Dark Lord would have survived had they never met…**

**Death Eater 2: Wait-wait-wait-wait, so you're saying he wouldn't be destroyed?**

**Lucius: He'd be alive, what don't you get?**

**Death Eater 3: Still not understanding…**

**Lucius: With Potter gone, the future will be set!**

**Death Eaters: Oh!**

**Lucius: So it's not over yet.**

**Death Eaters: Evil plans, what a brilliant evil plan! Malfoy, you're an evil man. We love making evil plans.**

"He was never that well-loved amongst the Death Eaters."

**Lucius: (speaking) So it is decided, we shall use this Time Turner to back in time to Harry Potter's first year at Hogwarts. We'll destroy him before he ever gets the chance to destroy us. My friends, I think we're going back. Whose with me?**

**Death Eaters: YEAH!**

"NO!"

"Harry, they are not really going to do this. It's completely impossible since it can only go back a year."

**Everyone: Our history is nothing more than what the losers settle for.**

**Lucius: So look alive and don't forget…that it's not over,**

**Everyone: It's not over…It's. Not. O. Ver. Yet! (time travel)**

"Nice intro and I like the segue music."

Harry was humming the song with the piano.

**Train Assistant: Platform 9, Platform 10, nothing in between.**

**Harry: Can somebody tell me bow to get to Platform Nine and Three Quarters?**

"That is a very weird way to end the clip…I would have ended it after the time travelling."

"Of course you would Draco now we'll get in the next video before we break for dinner."

"Any idea want you all want?"

"Don't worry Harry, Severus will be cooking this time." The Potions Master glared at his Headmaster but nodded anyway.

"Okay, thanks Snape."


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

Act 1 Scene 2

**Harry: Excuse me sir, can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾?**

**Train Assistant: Platform 9 3/4, there ain't no such thing. You're the 700****th**** kid to ask me that. I still refuse to believe it exists.**

**Harry: Well, sir you've gotta help me. I just ran away from home from my mean aunt and uncle. They keep me under some stairs. Listen, you gotta believe me. I got this letter from Hogwarts School of Witch…sir! Listen, please, a bird gave it to me.**

"You weren't kidding, you're childhood sucked as much as mine did. Did you really ask a Muggle though?"

"Yup, my aunt and uncle dropped me off with my things and left laughing. I ended up hearing the Weasley's talking about how the station is always filled with Muggles and followed her and the family."

"Really?"

"Yup, you're Mum's voice carries over crowds well."

"Hey, Ron, that's the headband your character wore in the last musical!"

"Awesome, Harry gave it to me!"

"Or you stole it…"

"You give it to me, I know these things."

**Harry: (reading letter) Yeah right, Hogwarts.**

**Molly: Oh, hurry kids! We're gonna miss the train. Come on Weasleys, Bill!**

**Bill: Yoyo Ma.**

**Molly: Charlie!**

**Charlie: I'm coming.**

**Molly: Percy.**

**Percy: Hello Mother.**

Ron and Ginny were cracking up at their brothers. Bill the gangster, Charlie the suave, and Percy played by a girl and a complete nerd.

"Oh, Fred and George are next!"

**Molly: Fred and George.**

**Fred: But I'm George!**

**Molly: Nice try, you've got a F on your shirt dumbass.**

"Ha! They are played by girls! Oh, I get played by an actual dude, you don't know how relieved I am."

**Arthur: Oh boy a real Muggle! Everybody say Chocolate Frog! (shuts bulky camera) I think I got it. Really.**

"Dad really isn't that much of an idiot."

"We know Gin, remember, it's just a parody."

"It has truth to it Mr. Potter." Harry ducked his head as he was reminded how his past seemed to be on display in these things.

**Molly: Oh Arthur, stop fiddling with that Muggle picture maker.**

**Arthur: Alright dear.**

**Molly: George, Fred…(mumbles as she counts her kids) Bill, where's Ron with your sister?**

**Ron: Did somebody say Ron?**

**Molly: Ron, would you hurry, you're gonna miss your train.**

**Ron: Well, I'm trying to go faster but I've got this idiot little sister.**

"We are now back to square one."

"I love you Ginny." She blushed as Harry kissed her lips gently and yet too quickly for her liking.

**Molly: Ronnie, apologize to your idiot sister.**

"Thanks Mum, love you too."

**Ron: No!**

**Molly: Oh, you're gonna get it! –claps at Bill- (clap goes down the line until Ron claps at Ginny)**

"Weird form of punishment."

**Molly: Stupid kids.**

**Arthur: Alright gang, alright, picture time. This is Ronnie's first day at Hogwarts so here we go.**

**Molly: Oh they're so cute!**

**Arthur: Alright now, smile and (shuts camera) I got it. That'll be a good one!**

**Molly: Uh, Arthur…**

**Harry: Excuse me sir.**

**Arthur: Yes my dear boy?**

**Harry: I couldn't but overhear you say something about Hogwarts. Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾?**

**Arthur: Platform 9 ¾? Why, it's right through that brick wall.**

**Harry: What?**

"That does sound completely insane doesn't it?"

"I was worried until I watched Percy go through it."

**Molly: Arthur, I think he doesn't know. Must have been raised by Muggles.**

"Unfortunately."

**Harry: What's a Muggle?**

**Arthur: What's a Muggle? Why it's a wizard who doesn't…I mean it's a wizard who can't…He doesn't know what a Muggle is.**

"Nor does he apparently…a Muggle is a person without magic, born to parents who don't have magic."

"Thank you for the unneeded lesson Draco." Draco playfully glared at the Gryffindor Know-It-All.

**Molly: A Muggle is a non-magical person. I tell you what, you stick with Ronnie over there. It's his first year at Hogwarts too. Alright Weasleys, in you go!**

**Arthur: Follow me gang, come on. Here we go.**

**Molly: Ginny dear, Ginny dear you come with me. Ginny, let the boys alone. Ginny, leave the boys alone. You can go to Hogwarts next year.**

**Ginny: No! (cries)**

**Ron: Yes, at last, freedom! **

"I am not that bad!"

"Well, now you're not because you're Harry's problem."

"Ron, this is where you shut up and hope that I don't get a hold of you later."

**God, I hate my stupid little sister. Ugh, she is just such a…such a…**

**Harry: Butter face?**

**Ron: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know what kid, you're alright.**

"He insults me and you think he's brilliant…Ron you have a weird way of making friends."

"I'll have you know we sat in the same compartment because the others were full and just started talking."

**I'm Ron Weasley. Hey, do you want a delicious Red Vine?**

**Harry: Absolutely!**

"That is so an advertisement."

**Ron: Well hey, here you go good buddy.**

**Harry: These are like my favorite snack in the whole world.**

**Ron: Oh my god, me too. (stare at each other than do a mirror thing) Alright, favorite Aimee Mann song on three, one-two-three.**

**Both: Red Vines.**

**Harry: Favorite color of vines, other than green.**

**Both: Red Vines.**

**Ron: Favorite way to say red wines in a German accent.**

**Both: Red vines. Oh my god! (hug)**

**Ron: Where have you been all of my life?**

**Harry: In a cupboard under some stairs.**

"Sarcastic yet truthful response to a rhetorical question…I like it!"

**Ron: That's so cool. Alright well, come on friend. Let's go to Hogwarts, just gotta go through that brick wall.**

**Harry: That sounds kind of scary.**

**Ron: Hey, it's okay. We can do it together. Wanna hold hands?**

"Are you sure I'm the Weasley you love Harry?"

"I can't even think of trying to seduce your brother…that's just wrong to me on so many levels when I consider him a brother myself."

**Harry: I would like that.**

**Ron: On the count of three…one,**

**Both: Two, THREE! AH! (run at wall)**

**Ron: That's big brick wall.**

**Percy: All aboard gang, the Hogwarts Express.**

**Ron: Alright, let's go get a seat pal.**

**Harry: You got it.**

**Ron: Hey pal, that's uh a pretty cool headband you've got there.**

**Harry: Ah, thanks I wear it to cover this gross scar I got when I was a baby.**

"Why did I never think of that?"

"Your bangs are long enough to do it for you Potter…there are times when I mistake you as a girl."

"Malfoy, you're losing the next Quidditch match in five minutes."

**I got it when the car my parents were driving crashed into a crocodile. My parents got eaten but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At least that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me.**

**Ron: That sucks, can I see it?**

**Harry: Uh yeah, sure (takes off headband) What?**

**Ron: Oh my god, you're Ha…you're Har Har.**

**Seamus: Bloody Hell, it's Harry Potta!**

**Kids: Yay!**

"There goes all of my personal space and privacy."

"That was the most interesting story though."

"True that."

**Seamus: Seamus Finnegan for yah Mr. Potter, gotta say meeting you like this is a right treat, a right treat.**

**Harry: Hi Seamus.**

**Dean: What up man my name is Dean Thomas. You want some bubble gum?**

**Harry: Yeah, I love bubble gum.**

**Neville: Will you sign my Harry Potter poster Mr. Potter?**

**Harry: Uh yeah sure. Okay, uh, who should I make it out to?**

**Neville: Neville Longbottom sir.**

"Sir? Poster? What the hell is wrong with these people?"

"I think this is coming into the Harry Potter song."

"I'm singing whether you like it or not once I figure the lyrics out."

**Harry: Okay, Shlongbottom.**

**Cho: Ni Hao, Harry Potter my name is Miss Cho Chang y'all. You should visit the Ravenclaw House sometime.**

**Harry: Ron, what is going on? Everyone is treating me like I'm, like I'm famous or something.**

**Ron: Harry, you are. (singing) You're Harry Freakin' Potter. You don't understand you're a legend man to us all. Every son and daughter (Students: Safe!) from You-Know-Who all because of you. You were small but I wonder if you can recall?**

**Students: Oooo…**

**Ron: Long story short, this guy (whispered) Voldemort, (normal) was super cruel.**

**Harry: Voldemort?**

**Students: Ah, sh!**

**Ron: He tried to kill you and your parents and this is where it gets intensely cool. Even though you were a tiny little boy, you should've died but you survived and then destroyed, this evil guy (Harry: What?) and it's a story we enjoy to tell!**

**Students with Ron: You're Harry Freakin' Potter! We don't prefer Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz. You're a whole lot hotter. With that lightning scar, you're a superstar to us all! If we're in trouble, we know who to call!**

"Thanks for the vote of confidence when I was eleven!"

"No problem mate."

**Cho: Hey y'all! (dance scene)**

**Ron: And the best part is, you're rich!**

**Rita: Did somebody say Harry Potter?**

"Ugh, she's in this…"

**Rita Skeeter here from the Daily Prophet reporting to you live, dear, readers, from Platform 9 ¾ where I just happened upon the original Wiz Kid himself, Harry Potter the lad who lived. Now, let's you and me get on the level HP. Where have you been for ten years? Are you excited to go to Hogwarts? Are you frightened for your life?**

**Harry: Why would I be frightened for my life?**

**Rita: Well, ain't you cock cure. Know this, dear readers, HP-the eleven year old tike shows no fear, even in the face of a murderous dog like Sirius Black.**

"Sirius…so escaped my first year instead. That also means that Remus is in this one!"

**Harry: Who's Sirius Black?**

"The man who became the closest I've ever had to a father."

**Rita: -Who's Sirius Black?- You don't know? He used to be your dad's best friend until he betrayed him to the Dark Lord and got him killed. Yup, turns out he was a Death Eater. He killed thirteen ducks before they caught him and I mean people. He hates your guts, wants you dead. He just escaped from Azkaban but it's no skin off your back kid. You know why? (singing) You're Harry Freakin' Potter! I wouldn't wince at all, you're invincible to all harm.**

"So, she starts your invincible tirade from the last musical. Does anyone else think it's weird we expect a teenager to defeat a seventy year-old man?"

**Like Betty Crocker, I wanna eat you up, no one'll beat you up with that charm. Remember Harry kid, you're the boss, you're the king, you're the bomb!**

"Hey Rita, got that one wrong. Weasley is the king, not me."

"Harry, I was hoping we found forget that blasted song!"

"Nope, as long as I'm famous you'll be the King."

"Screw you mate."

**Keep your nose clean kid, don't take any wooden sickles ha!**

**Percy: All aboard. (students say goodbye to people off stage, Weasleys do the longest goodbye)**

**Harry: Ron, this is all too much to take in.**

Lyrics appeared on the screen then and Harry took it that his own singing part for coming soon. He was excited to be conceited and have fun with it.

**This is all so surreal.**

**Ron: No it's not, you're Harry Potter. You're the coolest god damn kid in the entire world. Everything's awesome for you so you better get used to it.**

Harry stood up and watched the lyrics and danced as he sang with his character.

**Harry: (singing) "This is all so sad, I mean my mom and dad were killed long ago."**

**Students: Long ago they died.**

**Harry: "I wanna be psyched but being unliked is all I know."**

**Students: All he knows that's why.**

**Harry: "I'd never thought I'd be a part of such a fate, an opportunity eleven years late. I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate and show 'em that I'm something great!"**

Ginny was pulled up with Harry and Ron and Hermione were dancing on the couch while Draco tapped out the drums with his hands. Harry swirled his beautiful girlfriend around as he wooed her even more than she was now.

"**I'm Harry Freakin' Potter! I'll do what I can if what you say I am is true. I can't be bothered by my awful past, I've found at last something I can do so it's time I knew exactly who I am! I'm Harry Freakin' Potter."**

**Students: "You're Harry Freakin' Potter!"**

**Harry: "I guess."**

**Everyone: "I'm/You're Harry Freakin' Potter!"**

**Harry: "I'm the man!"**

**Everyone: "Harry Freakin' Potter!"**

The teens were laughing too hard to notice that the video was over.

"Man, I think that is my new favorite song…not! I like Going Back to Hogwarts too much."

"I agree Potter, it's a good song but it was fun singing about you for some odd reason."

"Could it be because there was no expectations?"

"Probably, I like being with you guys. Okay, I'm going to wash-up while Uncle Sev cooks dinner." Snape sneered at his godson as he was followed by Ron and Dumbledore. Harry helped Ginny up and watched her and Hermione disappear into the girls' room. Snape and him stared at each other before Harry grinned at him.

"I can cook Professor, I don't mind."

"No Potter, I will. I have yet to figure out how you can cook but can't concoct a potion that's half-way decent."

"Believe it or not, I'm doing smashing in Slughorn's class, being up with Hermione. It was always your comments and the stress of my life bearing down on me that made me horrible at potions. Now, how about we compromise? I'll cook some steaks and you make the potatoes and salad."

"Fine, but you're friends better not say anything or I will rip points from Gryffindor faster than a Snitch."

"What if Malfoy says something?"

"I won't let him escape either Potter." The two worked quietly in the kitchen. Harry made all the steaks medium to medium-well while Snape did up some mashed potatoes and started cutting vegetables for a salad. Ron entered first with Malfoy and they stopped as they watched the two rivals cook together. Harry was finishing the last three steaks as Snape grabbed the plates and silverware. They were quite the cooking duo, fast and efficient. Draco smiled.

"Uncle Sev, I didn't think you could work with morons who couldn't properly cut a flobberworm?"

"Mr. Malfoy, I will be deducting House Points once we leave this room for comments. That is your warning." Ron knew to keep his mouth shut about the Professor but Harry was another story all together.

"Hey Harry, any of them red?"

"Shut it Ron or I'll give a raw one."

"Oh really?" The inside joke started playing out. For the longest time Ron and Harry had teased each other on being a couple when a couple Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws wondered why they didn't go to the Yule Ball together after they made up? They had launched into each other when the awkwardness had passed.

"You're right, you might actually like it."

"What the hell are you two doing? That is very inappropriate table talk." Hermione had come in and Ginny was as lost as Draco and Snape.

"Come on Hermione, it's just some brotherly fun."

"Oh, brotherly fun, I guess we should leave you two to the chair then?"

"Ouch Hermione…that's cold."

"Won't be once you two are through being idiots and shut it." She smiled as they pouted but she grabbed a plate and started filling her dish. The others followed and the chatter returned to normal, especially when Dumbledore entered. Ron and Ginny took the dishes as everyone else left to get comfortable. They were joined a few minutes later and soon the next video was started.


	3. Act 1 Scene 3

Act 1 Scene 3

"You look so awkward trying to sit on a bench Potter…a year does wonders for you."

"What the hell is Ron doing?"

"He's entering his information to get to Harry's compartment, which is apparently highly locked by Muggle contraptions."

**Ron: Hey what's up man?**

**Harry: Hey Ron.**

**Ron: Who's this guy?**

**Harry: I don't know. He was here when I got here. He's asleep. I think he's homeless. **

**Ron: Gross. Um, we kind of got separated at the train station and uh, you forgot this.**

"Ah, Weasley is probably the only person that year who would give it back to you."

**Harry: You know man, everybody in the Wizarding world loves my scar. Why don't you keep it?**

**Ron: Really? Wow.**

**Harry: Looks good man.**

"Yeah, our friendship truly begins."

**Ron: Thanks, damn it, now I wanna give you something. (Harry: No it's okay.) Um, let me see here. Ooo, do you want a rat?**

**Harry: AH!**

**Ron: AH! It's my rat.**

**Harry: Oh, you're rat. Aw.**

**Ron: His name's Scabbers. He's been in my family for like a hundred years. In fact, I think my parents found him the same night your parents died.**

**Harry: Weird.**

"That bloody traitor will get what's coming to him."

"If it's any consolation, he is dead terrified of everyone."

**Ron: I know weird. Hey, you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Candy Bean?**

**Harry: Sure.**

**Ron: They have every flavor in the entire world, they even have a poopy flavored one but it's so rare, you'll never be lucky enough to get it.**

"I think I got lucky enough to get it."

"Ew, gross, that is so wrong!"

"They really don't have that flavor…they couldn't find someone to try shit to make it."

**What flavor did you get?**

**Harry: Broken Computer flavored.**

**Ron: That's gross. I can't remember the last time I got a candied flavored one.**

**Harry: What you get?**

**Ron: Defeat. Well, I give up on these.**

"They are the most daring candy aren't they?"

**Hey, why don't' we wash these beans down with some of the greatest snacks in the entire world?**

**Both: Red Vines!**

**Ron: Oh, I've got them right here in my bag. Um, (Both: AH!) –cat is on Ron's hand-**

"No way! That bloody feline is in this?"

"Where's Hedwig though?" Harry was kind of sad his first best friend wasn't in here.

**Hermione: Oh my guys! Oh bad kitty, sorry. Sometimes he just crawls into the darnedest places.**

**Ron: It's okay, just next time just watch…OH MY GOD NIGHT TROLL!**

**Hermione: I'm not a night troll. I'm a little girl.**

"Oh hell, I'm pathetic."

"Why did I have to go through a security system and Hermione runs straight in?"

**My name's Hermione Granger. Jiminy Crickets, you're Harry Potter.**

**Harry: Oh yeah, weird man.**

**Hermione: I'm such a big fan. Say, would you sign my petition?**

"Oh, spew is in here."

"It's not spew it's S.P.E.W."

**Harry: Um, sure.**

**Ron: No-no he doesn't want to. (hits board out of her hand)**

"You were that rude too."

**Hermione: I'm collecting signatures for house elf suffrage. You see, I just think it's awful that some creatures in the Wizarding world aren't treated equally just because they were born as ugly, sickly little creatures with big dumb noses and I think that we, I mean the elves, are just as good as anybody. Not to mention that the world is just isn't made for those little guys. Did you know over 600 house elves die in toilet-related incidents every year?**

**Harry: Stop talking, uh…**

"Wow, you sure can talk Granger."

"Trust me, the real speech was harder to follow and a hell of a lot worse to sit through…I love you." Ron tried to hide in Harry's side as Hermione glared at him. Harry looked at the angry brunette and was glad her wrath was on her boyfriend.

**I'll sign it, just don't send me any emails.**

**Hermione: Oh no I won't. Thanks Harry.**

**Harry: There you go, hey, are we the first people you asked? There's only one other name on here.**

**Hermione: That is my name.**

**Harry: Oh, well then, there you go Hermi-one.**

"You can't even say my name correctly?" Harry held up his hands in surrender, or tried to but his best friend had his right arm wrapped around him like a shield to protect him from Hermione.

"Ron, I can't protect you. She wants to kill me as much as she does you."

"You have Ginny to protect you though."

"I am currently letting my best friend have her way."

"See? I love you too Gin."

**Hermione: So, Harry Potter, did you really grow up in the Muggle world?**

**Harry: Yeah, found out I was a wizard like two minutes ago.**

**Hermione: Yeah, I grew up in the Muggle world too. My parents are Muggles, Muggle dentists.**

**Lady: Candy from the trolley.**

**Hermione: I am ever so excited to finally go to Hogwarts.**

**Ron: Yeah, it's because Hogwarts is the best place in the entire world.**

**Hermione: Well yeah, and to be taught so many great witches and wizards like Albus Dumbledore.**

**Harry: Who the hell is Albus Dumbledore?**

"Thank you Harry."

"Sorry…I actually did know who you were because Hagrid loves doting on you."

**Ron: He's only the bestest, most bravest…**

**Hermione: Most wisest, most talented…**

**Ron: Beautiful…**

**Hermione: Most beautiful wizard who ever lived.**

"Ron, mate, you have an honest obsession with calling Dumbledore beautiful."

"Gross he's like a thousand years old."

"I'm only in my nineties Mr. Weasley."

**Lady: Candy from the trolley.**

**Hermione: And my dream of dreams is to someday graduate top of my class.**

**Lady: Candy from the trolley! (is kidnapped and replaced by Death Eater)**

"Well, Lucius isn't wasting time is he?"

"Nope, I haven't even learned a spell and I'm being targeted for murder."

**Death Eater: Candy from the trolley?**

**Ron: Yes, at last.**

**Hermione: Uh, my parents say that candy's bad for your teeth.**

**Death Eater: Avada…**

**Remus: Expelliarmous! (Uses the bottle in his hand, then grabs wand and beats the guy off stage)**

"Well, Remus should be here because he's being portrayed as a drunk, homeless man."

**Take that you bastard ass!**

"GO MOONEY!" Ron and Harry fist bumped as Ron sat up and left Harry's side, seeing as Hermione hadn't attacked him yet.

**Oh god damn it, oh well at least I still have…oh no what? No…oh shit. Oh, that's piss. Wait, was I drinking piss?**

"Oh hell, this is too good!" The teens were equally laughing and disgusted with this Remus.

**You must be Harry Potter.**

**Harry: What are you…you just killed the candy lady! (kids freak out)**

**Remus: Oh no-no-no, kids don't be afraid of me. (shoves bottle into Hermione's mouth)**

"Oh disgusting!"

"If that's all it takes…" Draco saw Hermione glare at him and also meekly tried to hide in Potter.

"Just because I can defeat Voldemort doesn't mean I can protect you from an angry Hermione!"

**I'm not dangerous and I'm not homeless anymore. My name is Remus Lupin. I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and that so-called candy lady was a Death Eater. She was about two seconds away from killing you, your little friend and his pet night troll.**

**Harry: What's a Death Eater? What is that?**

**Remus: It's a servant of You-Know-Who.**

"One of these days I'm going to reply that I don't know who."

"Do it to like a Hufflepuff…I wanna be there."

**I figured a few of them might show up when they learned that Harry Potter was headed to Hogwarts. They can be real hard-ass dickheads.**

**Trio: Hu!**

**Remus: What's the matter with you guys? Oh shit! You guys are kids. I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. I'm sorry. Shoot, I gotta watch my mouth around you little bastards.**

"I like this Lupin better."

"Nope, I'll stick with the real one of this."

"I agree."

"Hermione of course you agree because this guy is treating you like a troll."

"Weasley is right Granger, and I am impartial at this moment."

"Eh, I can see why but you should meet Marauder Lupin, he's so cool."

**Ah! (falls over)**

**Trio: Whoa! (tip over on bench)**

**Ron: Hey, looks like the train stopped. We're here!**

**Remus: Yup son. Harry, this year I don't' want you to be worrying about Death Eaters, or that Sirius Black or werewolves or anything else that can kill you right now. Alright, 'cause as long as you're at Hogwarts with me and Headmaster Dumbledore there to protect you, you're perfectly safe. Trust me Harry, no one at Hogwarts hates you.**

**Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

"Oh great, I'm back."

"Uh huh, welcome back to life Snape." The video cut out and everyone moaned.

"That's just rightfully evil. Hurry, load you video!"


	4. Act 1 Scene 4

Act 1 Scene 4

**Snape: What are you doing here, get off the train! Why Remus Lupin.**

**Remus: Severus Snape.**

**Ron: (load whisper) That's Snape, he's evil.**

**Snape: Get off the train! Not you boy, you sit. So you must be Harry Potter. I can tell just by not talking to you that you're a no good-for-nothing hobo like your father.**

"Did I just steal the whole trolley?"

"Yup, and so starts your snack binge."

**Remus: You know what, just leave the poor kid alone okay. You haven't changed at all since our school days at Hogwarts. Hey Harry, don't pay any attention to Sour Grape Snape.**

**Snape: How dare you speak that name!**

**Remus: I've said it before Snape and I'll say it again, you always have been and you always WILL be a butt trumpet. You know why? Because you've got a trumpeting butt!**

**Snape: No I haven't.**

The children were laughing too hard to comment. Snape looked at the screen in disgust, he did not have a trumpet butt.

**Remus: Yes! –fart noises-**

**Snape: Stop it. Stop doing that!**

**Remus: Hey guys I'm Snape. –fart noises-**

**Snape: That doesn't sound anything like my butt.**

**Remus: Ha, who looks stupid now?**

"Mooney, you do but that was too good!"

"Oh yeah, definitely need the real Lupin to act like this more often!"

**You do.**

**Snape: No I don't. We're both adults now. I demand that you stop acting like a child or I'll get Dumbledore and have you expelled.**

**Remus: I don't think so Snape because I'm a teacher now, you can't expel me.**

"They are arguing over expelling each other…I expel you Potter."

"I expel you Malfoy."

"You can't do that!"

"Fine, I'll get Dumbledore to do it for me." Both boys broke into laughter at that and Dumbledore just chuckled with them.

**I mean, I'll expel you. In fact, you're expelled. I just expelled you.**

**Snape: What, that's absurd! You can't expel me, we can't expel each other, can we?**

**Remus: I won't pretend you now.**

**Snape: Well, then I will. Snape vanish.**

"They have you down well in this Professor…you were quite developed."

"Potter, I suggest you shut your trap before I do it for you."

**Harry: Wow, what a jerk!**

**Remus: Yeah, now listen Harry don't let him bother you, okay? You're finally where you belong, at Hogwarts, the place where your parents spent the best years of their lives. So go on Harry, go find what you were always meant to be, the home you never knew you had.**

"Aw, that's so sweet and look you're singing again!"

**Harry: I'll see you Lupin.**

**Remus: See you in class Harry.**

**Harry: (singing) Home, I've heard the word before but it's never meant much more than just a thing I've never had. A place, they say –hey, know your place-, but I've never had a place to even know, or a face that I could go to if I needed someone there.**

"This is a really sad song…"

"It's true though, I didn't have a real home until Hogwarts."

**I'm laughing. It's hard to hide a smile. My god, it's been a while since I have had a reason to. To think, it's been here all along, somewhere to belong and a reason, a something to believe in. I've finally found it, a place where I'm wanted. This must be how it feels to have a home. I used to dream about it, but never schemed or counted on fantasies or wishes. It breaks a man to see what he misses and so many nights I'd pray for a better life, a better day but I never thought that it'd come true. Now it's finally here and I don't know what to do!**

"I'm glad you found it Harry."

"It got better this year."

"Oh?" Hermione looked at Ginny knowingly.

"I found Harry instead of the Boy-Who-Lived." Ginny looked at Harry, noticing that he was talking about her.

**Don't know what to do and I'm trying not to cry.**

**Ron: Hey Harry, let's go get Sorted.**

**Harry: This must be how it feels to have a home!**

"The Sorting Ceremony, wait, wasn't there mention of a scarf?"

"Yeah, the Scarf of Sexual Preference, wait we get to know our sexual preferences."

"I believe we are all secure in being straight Hermione."

"So, I'm curious as to how I'm labeled."

"So, Cho has a really short skirt…and why are the Gryffindors separated from everyone else?"

"We're that awesome."

**I've finally made it. I've hoped and I've waited and for the first time in my life, I don't feel so alone. My heart starts to heal, to know this is real. This is how it must feel to have a home!**

**Sorting Hat: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor!**

"Yes, I'm in Gryffindor!"

"I liked that song, even though it was sad."

"Okay, let's see our sexual preference."


	5. Act 1 Scene 5

Act 1 Scene 5

**Harry: Ah! –after Snape chokes him putting his tie on-**

"Thanks Professor, I appreciate you too."

**Snape: Wait Potter, your Sorting isn't done yet, the Scarf of Sexual Preference.**

"Oh boy…"

**Scarf: Metrosexual.**

"A very long word that means you prefer the opposite sex and spend a lot of money/time on your appearance."

"Good, would hate to be into the wrong Weasley."

"Haha Potter."

**Harry: So the school provide shoes to go with this tie or not?**

**Snape: It sure does.**

**Harry: I'll make it work. Hey guys what did you get Sorted as?**

**Ron: Bi-curious.**

**Hermione: Waiting until marriage.**

"Ron, you're bi curious!"

"Am not!"

"Uh huh…"

"Harry that was a joke and a dare!"

"I don't care it still counts!"

"I'll tell Ginny about you-know-what."

"You wouldn't' dare…"

"Wouldn't I?"

"Fine, truce?"

"Truce."

"What just happened Granger?"

"I don't want to know what gets up in the Gryffindor Boy dorms."

**Harry: No, I meant what House did you get Sorted in?**

**Ron: Oh, Gryffindor.**

**Harry: Gryffindor, cool me too.**

**Seamus: Bloody S, Dean get a load of this. We're in the same House as Harry Potta!**

"I like this Seamus."

**Why don't' you just put your feet right up here Mr. Potter. –lays down so Harry can prop his feet-**

"Okay, no one is allowed to know this. It would have been a bit odd wouldn't it?"

"Dude, at least you are getting cool attention in this. It's better than our second, fourth, and fifth years."

**Neville: Can I shine your shoes Mr. Potter?**

**Harry: Go for it.**

**Dean: Yo man, I've got this real mean back rub.**

**Harry: Alright.**

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, services not necessary!**

"Ah Ron, you could have at least let Dean do the backrub."

"Spoiled now Potter?"

"Do you realize how bad my back is from years of labor and lack of proper nutrition? It's a miracle that it isn't worse with all our books and such."

"I'll remember this."

**-Ron spit-shines his neck while massaging his head-**

**Harry: Oh, thanks.**

Ginny subconsciously started running her hand through Harry's hair and he sunk down so she had better access to it.

**Gryffindor House rocks, I can't even imagine what other kinds of assholes exist in the other stupid Houses.**

"Thanks Potter…"

"You counted before the other musical."

**Hat: Slytherin!**

**Draco: Well, well, well, isn't this cute? Rumors are true. You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard.**

"I could have used that."

**My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, I despise gingers and Mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor House, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents.**

"That about sums you up."

"I would never have admitted I was related to the group who killed your parents like that."

**Do you want to be my friend?**

**Harry: Hate Gryffindor House? Get out of my face Malfoy! (pushes Draco down)**

**Gryffindors: Yes.**

**Hermione: Harry no.**

**Draco: You are not permitted to touch!**

"Did I really just spin up?"

"You said your father was a girl, now you know why you are."

**Crabbe! Goyle!**

**Goyle: Who dares disturb my slumber?**

"Goyle is truly freaky in this."

"And he isn't in real life?"

"I'm not gonna argue with that."

**Get over here! (summons Ron)**

**Crabbe: You too girl. (pushes Harry towards Goyle)**

"Wow, they are actually semi-bad ass in this."

**Goyle: It's clobbering time!**

**Draco: As a fish, shake them. (Ron and Hermione are shaken)**

"That is a pathetic attempt at intimidation."

"Seems to be working…"

"Malfoy, I would hex them now if they tried that."

**Yes, (Harry: Stop!) yes. How does it feel to watch your friends be tortured?**

**Harry: Leave Ron alone you bastards! Leave him alone!**

"Thanks Harry…"

"You're not really my friend yet Hermione…"

"I'll remember that."

**Ron: Just leave us be Harry.**

**Hermione: I'll miss you Harry.**

**Draco: Feel like being my friend yet Potter?**

**Harry: No way!**

"Shit, I've pissed you off."

"Yup, and a mad Harry is the one that defeated Death Eaters and took on Bellatrix one-on-one."

**Yeah, you can torture my friends all you want. I will never, and I mean ever, be your friend.**

"Wow, you shocked them into stopping."

"They aren't exactly the most intelligent."

**Draco: You've made a grandiose mistake Potter. No one under mines Draco Malfoy.**

**Dumbledore: Oh Malfoy you little shit.**

The Gryffindors burst back into laughter. Dumbledore chuckled at the appalled look on Draco's face as he was reminded that this Dumbledore had no qualms insulting him.

"Cool Dumbledore is back!"

**Gryffindors: Dumbledore!**

**Dumbledore: Go sit down right now or I will spank your diapered tush.**

"What?"

"Well, awkward moment but you do wear a diaper in these."

**Harry: Malfoy wears a diaper?**

**Dumbledore: He sure does. Draco, x-ray glasses.**

"Yes. This is an epic win for Dumbledore."

"Why thanks Mr. Weasley."

**-everyone laughs-**

**Dumbledore: Look through this.**

**Draco: This is all your fault Potter. You wait until my father hears about this.**

"I'm so scared."

"You never were, were you."

"Nope, not even when he tried to curse me in the castle, outside Dumbledore's office."

**Dumbledore: Well, well, well, welcome everybody to your very first magical year at Hogwarts. My name is Albus Dumbledore and I'll be your Headmaster. Now, you can call me Dumbledore or else! Now, by now you should've been sorted into one of four Houses. During your time at Hogwarts, your House will be like your family, warring families you all hate each other. Finally compete for this, the Cup.**

**Goyle: Look at that Cup. I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that Cup.**

"Please Goyle, go right ahead…"

**Ron: I'd kill for that Cup.**

"Damn it, not as cool as being eaten by giant spiders."

"I hate those things."

**Harry: That is ours so you're gonna die!**

"This is the warring families of Hogwarts, Gryffindor versus everybody….who would win?"

"Us!" Ron and Harry looked appalled at the fact Hermione, Ginny, and Draco would question that.

"Why would you win?"

"Smarts is Hermione, I was going to be placed in Slytherin so I have cunning and Ron is strategy. Ginny and the others are loyal to us and to be honest Malfoy, Gryffindor just rocks because we get the best of each House in us."

"Whatever Potter."

**Dumbledore: Kids, kids, kids! You can't kill each other in the Great Hall, you have to wait to do that on the Quidditch field.**

**Dean: Quidditch?**

"So, is this you giving us permission to permanently or partially harm Slytherin at the match next week?"

"Try anything Potter and I'll have points and detentions from you so fast you're parents will spin in their graves."

"That's just too deep Snape."

**What chu talking 'bout Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore: Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport, just for wizards and boy, is it silly. We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles up into the air on brooms where you bounce around big old balls and beat each other with long thick clubs…**

"I forgot Dumbledore is a perve."

"I am sitting right here Ms. Weasley."

"Not you Professor, Dumbledore on screen."

**There's some other rules in there somewhere and you get points somehow but the thing we all watch for is the blood. Isn't that right Lupin?**

**Remus: Sure as hell is Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore: Kids, I would like you to meet Remus Lupin, you're new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.**

"Wohoo!"

"I like this already."

**He's also volunteered to coach the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.**

"Oh my…they are so making the sport Muggle-ish."

"Who coaches anything except for the pros?"

**And, let's not forget about my very good friend, our Potions Master and coach of the Slytherin Team, Professor Snape.**

"NO!"

"We'll win anyways, I mean, Draco you're not really competition."

"Potter, the pros are your competition."

**Snape: Yay. (claps) I would like to take this opportunity to announce the Hogwarts Astronomy Club. This year we will be paying particularly close attention to the cycles of the moon and their effects on a certain professor.**

"Honestly, twenty years?"

"Yes, Potter…"

"That's so childish!"

**Remus Lupin, for example, what do you enjoy doing in the light of a full moon?**

"Sleep and play with Padfoot and Prongs."

"You know this how?"

"Sirius and Remus told me one day."

**Remus: That's an easy one Snape, kill! (kids gasp and Asian cries) I mean kill…I mean kill animals. (all kids cry except Gryffindor) I mean dance with animals! (Gryffindor approves)**

"Well, Remus, you need better secret lessons."

**Snape: Alright wake up you lazy heads, it should be a full moon this evening.**

**Remus: Ah, you're full of shit Snape. (kids cover ears) I mean poopy. There was a full moon just 30 days ago.**

"Wow, he's a tad slow isn't he?"

"Apparently…"

**In fact, I must be going. I uh, feel in the mood to kill some animals cause I…ah! (hand became a claw)**

"No one notices this?"

"Nope."

**My transformation, it's beginning. Sorry kids, speed of a wolf! (runs off stage)**

"No one would be that stupid right?"

**Snape: Bye.**

**Dumbledore: Anyways, on a more serious note, Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to violently kill each other.**

"How is that possible?"

"My dreams were ruined!"

"NO!"

"Shut it Fred and George." Harry and Ron smiled at each other.

**Your lives can be in grave danger as well. **

**Cho: Whatever could ya mean Professor Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore: Miss Cho Chang, how yah doing Cho? Well, Cho, I'm sure you all heard by now that the violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban and the Ministry is not taking the threat he poses to Hogwarts very lightly.**

"You don't think…"

"The Dementors are obvious but will they…"

"I hope not but then again…"

"I agree."

"You two boys were merely separated at birth I swear!"

**Neville: Oh dear, Professor, do you mean that…Sirius Black could be headed…here?**

**Dumbledore: I sure do Shlongbottom.**

"He used it!"

**In fact, there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's leading him right to our doorstep.**

**Ron: Thanks Hermon.**

"It's not me! Why am I being picked on so badly!"

"I love you and won't ever do it again?"

"Was that a question Ronald?"

"I would suggest just smiling and looking cute mate."

**Harry: Ron, he said cute, he could only be talking about me.**

**Ron: Oh yeah, duh Hermon one's a butt.**

**Dumbledore: She sure is Ron.**

"Sir…"

"I promise Miss Granger I do not think you look like a rear-end."

**Anyways, Ministry has sent a new security officer to help keep (singish) Harry Potter (normal) as well as everybody else as safe as can be. So, kids I want you to help me by giving a big warm Hogwarts welcome to Professor Umbridge. (steady knocks on door scare students)**

Ron choked on his laugh, Harry was stunned into silence, Draco couldn't' stop laughing and Hermione and Ginny were laughing so hard they were crying.

"The resemblance is uncanny." Snape's comment sent the students into further hysterics as the bitch, or Umbitch, had been transformed into her true self, an ugly man dressed as a woman.

"Wait…isn't that the guy who played Voldemort?"

"Yes!"

**Severus, I was under the impression that the Ministry was sending a woman. This handsome stud-muffin is, help me he's dreamy, sexy man.**

Dumbledore blushed at his character's lack of control and yet smiled as he heard the kids laughing freely. They were so changed now it was a relief to see them be teenagers instead of soldiers.

**Harry: Who is that guy?**

**Ron: That's no guy, that's Dolores Umbridge, my dad told me about her. He says she can't be killed, he says she drinks blood.**

**Hermione: I read she used to be the warden of Azkaban and that the Dementors that worked there are only afraid of one thing, her.**

**Seamus: I heard, one time, a Dementor Kissed her and it died.**

"I love these accounts."

"Next time we see her, we'll be muttering these."

"Oh yeah, but the rest of the musical is going to fuel our fire."

**Neville: Oh dear.**

**Dumbledore: Ah, Professor Snape will now escort the boys to their dormitories and uh, Professor Umbridge has asked to help with all of you young ladies about the girls' dorm.**

**Snape: Walk this way. (does weird skip/run thing)**

"Oh my, this is getting too good. Nothing is being revealed and so we don't have to worry about learning anything new."

"Yup, now the fun really begins…"


	6. Act 1 Scene 6

Act 1 Scene 6

**Dumbledore: Well if it isn't Harry Fucking Potter.**

"We cringe at shit but we approve everything else."

"Cool."

**Haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby. Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your father?**

"Oh wizarding god…"

"Yes! Epic use of musical-ness!"

"Ron, you're losing it."

**Harry: You knew my dad?**

**Dumbledore: I sure did and your mom too. Both of them were in Gryffindor House when they came to Hogwarts. I forget where the Scarf put them though.**

"Well, I have feeling I know what won out."

**Harry: Well, what did you get Sorted when you came to Hogwarts?**

**Dumbledore: Gay as the Fourth of July, oh you mean from the Hat. Uh, Gryffindor Harry, you should be very proud because Gryffindor is the House of the good guys. Now you get that cute little tush off to bed you scamp.**

**Harry: Alright, bye Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore: Alright.**

"Well, at least everyone is open of their Scarf Sortings."

"Yup, even the Professors it seems."

**Scarf: Alright Dumbledore, let's go to bed. I'm so over Sorting these little bastards.**

**Dumbledore: Scarfy?**

**Scarf: What? Some of them are bastards, that little Draco Malfoy is he gonna be a pain in the nose.**

**Dumbledore: Oh Scarfy!**

**Scarf: Oh Dumble-dear, come on. Let's go fung-shway your office.**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah, I feel like it's missing a water element.**

**Scarf: Follow me.**

"Oh hell, this is a bit racier than the last one."

"I can't believe they are putting Dumbledore and Umbitch together!"

"Trust me Mr. Malfoy, I can't believe it either."

**(Girls playing with their hair and laughing)**

"Oh dear, Umbridge is going to rip into them."

**Umbridge: Eh hem, now girls, I know that this is your first year at Hogwarts and I know that some of you might be nervous or frightened. But girls, I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as totally awesome as possible.**

"That's a load of bullshit if I've ever heard it."

"Ron!"

"He's right Granger."

**Because girls, I'm not just a teacher or security officer, in fact I like to think of all of you as my daughters.**

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Agreed Ginny." Both females glared as the boys laughed.

**And that makes me your momma; a very loving and caring momma I am. So, for all of us girls to get along in the girls' dormitory this year, I have just some very simple rules that must be obeyed.**

"Rule Number 1, pink is a mandatory color of success."

"Rule Number 2, fun is forbidden unless it's causing Harry Potter pain."

"Rule Number 3, no whoring around Slytherin House."

The boys were quite proud of themselves about what they came up with but the girls were glaring at the three 16 year olds.

**Rule #1: No boys, unless they're cute. (Cho and her friends clap)**

"What?"

**Rule #2: No alcohol, unless there's plenty to go around.**

"I think I like these rules very much. I'm game."

**Stop it girls I'm bad and Rule #3: No parties, unless Umbridge is invited! (cheering) Haha, girls, girls, girls, you keep me young girls, you keep me young. (completely retarded laugh)**

"YES!"

"WHAT NOW BOYS?" Hermione and Ginny high-fived while the boys look at this Umbridge in awe. She was pretty cool.

**But seriously girls, if I do catch you dating boys and alcohol, I'm gonna rip your perky little boobs off.**

"You girls were saying?"

"Bite me Potter." Ginny was glaring at her boyfriend and he wisely looked ashamed and turned away.

**That's right, from now on we gonna be doing things around here my way. We gonna be doing things around here the UMBRDIGE WAY! (grabs ponytail of the little girl crying and makes her stand) I'm sorry, did I make you cry you chubby little fucker?**

None of the kids were glaring now as they were appalled at man-playing-woman on screen.

"No way…"

"She's a complete…"

"We know now that she's really just as much of a bitch there as she is now."

**That's alright, human tears are very natural (kisses tear off her finger). In fact, when I was a young human, tears would flow from my eyeballs all the time. Until one day, when my Momma Umbridge said to me, "Dolores, girl, you put down that cheesecake. You throw out that fondue and you get up off of that couch girl. Get on up! Sit down!**

"Wow, Hermione, obedient much?"

"Just wait until I have my magic back."

**And from that moment forward, I picked up anything I could find and I hoisted it over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks!**

"So she knew Hagrid?"

"That's cruel Draco."

**Cause I'll tell you girls, it's a man's world out there and to get ahead you've gotta be stronger than a man, you've gotta be a woman. **_**I am woman, hear me**_** smash!**

"Dude she's a complete freak!"

**So get up girls, get on up and fall in. Dress up that line. It's a momma bear's job to keep her baby bears safe and I'm gonna do just that. (kisses each of them)**

Hermione and Ginny gagged at that while Harry and Ron looked confused between anger at their friend/girlfriend being kissed by another man and amusement.

**And to do that, I'm gonna toughen you girls up. From this day forward, you're gonna do 500 push-ups a day. Except for you Cho Chang, you don't gotta do a god damn thing.**

**Cho: Goodie.**

"She's in for it."

"Yup."

**Umbridge: Yeah because everybody already just thinks that you're so god damn perfect, don't they?**

**Cho: Well, I certainly hope I haven't given them any reason not to think so.**

**(laugh together)**

**Umbridge: And funny too! Isn't she just a fucking peach girls? Don't we just fucking love her? (grabs her hair)**

"Professor, we're overtaking the Ministry."

"What?" Snape was completely baffled.

"Of course, we can take over, make someone we want Minister and then purge the system of her."

"Brilliant except that makes us similar to Death Eaters Malfoy."

"Fine, keep her alive."

**Lesson #1 girls, little skanks like her are always going to get whatever they want and the rest of you, you are going to have to eat each other to get ahead because that's the way the world works for frumpy, little terds like us!**

"I'm starting to agree with Draco here…"

"Ginny, I'm with yah."

**I mean, like you. Now girls, get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth of ours and if I catch you outside of bed past 21 hundred hours, I won't be afraid to stick a red-hot curling iron up them cute little puckered buttholes of yours because that's what my momma did to me and I won't be afraid to do it to my daughters. Lights out!**

"Ouch! That would bloody hurt!"

"No duh Sherlock, it would hurt!"


	7. Act 1 Scene 7

Act 1 Scene 7

"Hey guys, do you mind if get something to eat?"

"Yeah and this will probably have to be our last video, it's getting late."

After another amazing meal, courtesy of Harry Potter, Ron did dishes with Draco and soon they were centered on the screen again, but before they began, Ron came out of the kitchen with a beautiful bag.

"Ron, what are those?"

"Hey buddy, would you like a delicious Red Vine?" Ron showed them the front of the bag and Harry grinned evilly.

"Of course they are like my favorite snack in the whole world." Ron and Harry both took a bite of the candy before facing each other smiling horribly. They re-enacted the whole seen in front of everyone.

"Okay, favorite Aimee Mann song on three, 1-2-3…"

"_Red Vines."_

"Favorite color of vines other than green…"

"_Red Vines."_

"Favorite way to say red wines with a German accent…"

"_Red vines, oh my god!"_ Harry and Ron hugged quickly and then everyone burst out into laughter.

"It's sad that they remembered that almost word for word."

"Yup, but you have to admit, they are definitely great at playing their characters."

"Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let's get this video rolling."

**Seamus: Morning Miss Chang.**

**Dean: Carry those books for you? (run off after Cho)**

**Ron: Charms suck, Potions suck, Transfiguration sucks!**

Snape glared at the ginger boy but he and Potter were trying not to burst out laughing.

**Harry: Best class is definitely Satanic Rituals, man.**

They boys burst into laughter as Hermione looked appalled at the class.

"What?"

"Oh man, this is too good! Wait, Hermione, why are you being all shy in the background?" The brunette ignored her boyfriend as she watched her character.

**Hermione: Hey guys, so where we headed?**

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, Harry and I are going to Quidditch try-outs.**

**Hermione: Quidditch but you can't try out for Quidditch.**

"Miss Granger, there is no such thing as a Potter not participating in the sport."

"Really?"

"Yes, your father gloated for hours about how your family is well-known in the game's history."

**My parents say that sports are bad for your teeth.**

**Ron: I don't care.**

**Hermione: Why don't you try for an extracurricular activity that's intellectually stimulating and teeth friendly. We can try out for Wizard Chess Club or Wizard Debate.**

"Oh my, I'm more of a nerd in this than when I was in primary school."

"Primary school?"

"Muggle children go to school at the age of 5 or 6, our primary school. We stay there until we're in our teens and then go to a place for our secondary education, either private or public. Once we graduate from there we can either enter the work force, enroll in the military, or continue on to University studies which prepare you for more intense jobs like doctors, lawyers, politicians, managers, and other such jobs."

"Yeah, I remember wanting to be a lawyer or a vet when I was younger."

"What's vet?"

"It's an animal doctor. It would have been awesome too."

"I bet. I wanted to be a professor at a university teaching Psychology." Ginny and Ron were entranced by this information.

"So you were taken from school then to come to Hogwarts and had to change everything to even what you wanted to do when you're older?"

"Yup, oh but I would love to go to college after Hogwarts!"

"You still can Miss Granger, we have had a couple students over the years do the same thing."

"Yes!"

**Harry: (being grabbed by Ron) Okay, listen, why don't you go do that lame, boring stuff and Ron and I will do the fun, dangerous stuff?**

**Hermione: Yeah, or we could do something together?**

**Ron: No, Herman, we can't because Harry and I want to have fun and get girlfriends…**

"Did I really just pretend to fondle a girl?"

"Yup you are a perve!"

"Shut it!" Harry and Ron pushed at each other and then knuckle-bumped before eating more Red Vines, they had become addicted. (_As have I. I love those damn candies!)_

**And we can't do that with you just sagging along all the time. So, why don't you go hang out with Moaning Myrtle?**

Ron took the initiative and jumped off the couch to sit on the floor on the other side of Harry. Hermione was hurt at this portrayal of their first year and Ron's blatant hate for her presence.

**Hermione: Because she thinks I'm annoying! (Ron does a gesture)**

Hermione glares at the screen and Ron was right to move when he did. She turned to him and he gulped, knowing that if he didn't make amends in this musical then he was done for.

**You know, maybe I'll just try out for Quidditch. It's not like you can kick me off the field.**

**Remus: Ah ha, puked my guts out, hey guys who invited Boo Radley? (laughs)**

"I don't understand the insult here?"

"It's a reference to a Muggle book and I'm not very fond of it." Hermione was boiling. Snape was even slightly apprehensive of the young Gryffindor witch.

**Get the hell off the field Herman. I'm not kidding! Beat it. Alright, guys, who's ready to win that House Cup? (boys cheer)**

"Hermione, it's not real. We would never, not even in first year, would have said or done anything like this and Mooney is not that cruel. This is just a parody of our lives."

"Fine, and this musical is the events that have already happened so I'll try and relax. Thanks Harry."

"No problem, I think of you like a sister so it's my job as your appointed brother to be reassuring."

"Uh huh, and you do it so well." Harry stuck his tongue out at Ron.

**That's what I like to hear. So, what've we got here? Quidditch, the most ancient and silliest of all Wizarding sports, some of you may know the Gryffindor Pee-wee Team hasn't won a match in 14 years.**

"Pee-wee?"

"A term for a young Muggle sport though those are typically for children under the age of eight."

"We are not children!"

"It's highly dangerous!"

"_That's absurd!_" All three boys were outraged at the hit to their man hoods. Ginny and Hermione laughed at their wounded egos.

**But I think with me as your coach and you little stallions as my team, there's no way we're losing to Slytherin or Ravenclaw or Jigglypuff.**

"Another Muggle reference?"

"Yup except I liked Pokèmon when I had the chance to watch it!"

"Oh, who was your favorite?"

"Definitely had to be Charizard or Mew."

"Oh you're no fun! What about Pikachu and Bulbasaur?"

"You are such a girl!"

"And you're such a boy!" Hermione and Harry laughed at their argument because no one knew what they were talking about.

"Just know it's a hilarious hit on Hufflepuff."

**Alright, so, who here has ever played Quidditch before huh? That's okay, that's okay, ah how about riding a broom? Has anyone ever ridden a broom before?**

**Ron: Oh no just stretching.**

**Remus: Oh alright uh, has anyone ever thrown or caught a ball before?**

**Neville: There was one thrown at me once.**

"We're doomed."

"I'll have you know that I did pretty well for having never done anything like that before."

"You're Harry Potter though."

"Great now the song is in my head Malfoy!"

"Haha!"

**Ron: Yeah it was. Woo!**

**Remus: -mumbles- Thomas, Finnegan, let's go.**

**Seamus: Yes sir, governor.**

**Dean: Yeah, what up boss?**

**Remus: Alright guys, I want you to take these and practice hitting each other with them okay? You guys are the Beaters.**

"Yes! That's what I originally thought when Wood told me Fred and George were Beaters!"

"What if you had just learned about it now?"

"I would think they wanked every game."

"Gross! Those are my brothers!"

"Dude, I think we have converted Harry Potter!"

"Not that big of a deal Ron…"

**Dean: Is this right? (hits Seamus in stomach and he collapses)**

**Remus: Yes Dean, that's good. That's very good. Ron, you're Keeper. (misses throw)**

"Nice, we're so totally f…"

"Mr. Weasley you will refrain from finishing that statement!"

"Sorry sir."

**Harry, Harry.**

**Harry: Yeah Coach?**

**Remus: Listen Harry, you're really the most important guy okay? You see this thing, it's called a Snitch. Now, during the game it's going to sprout wings and fly all over this giant stadium and it's your job to catch it.**

"Well, when you put it like that…"

"Does make the game a bit weird doesn't it?"

"Yup."

**Harry: That sounds easy enough.**

**Remus: You're the Seeker Harry just like your dad.**

**Harry: You knew my dad?**

**Remus: Yeah I knew him, he and I used to play Quidditch together.**

"Really?"

"No, Remus was the one typically keeping their grades up so they could play. Sirius and my dad were the players with Sirius being a Beater and my dad a Chaser though he liked toying with the Snitch and was the Reserve Seeker."

"Ah, so you're Seeker abilities are from who?"

"His grandfather was an amazing Seeker with a very natural talent like Harry has. I remember Charles Potter from when I taught him Transfiguration."

**I don't know if you know this Harry but I was your dad's best friend.**

**Harry: I thought the traitor Sirius Black was my dad's best friend.**

**Remus: No, who told you this, did your dad tell you?**

**Harry: Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to him after he died.**

"Okay, I'll admit, that was a funny set-up."

**Remus: Good, it's probably just here-say.**

"Well, I hope he didn't talk to him after he died, as that or this conversation wouldn't be occurring right now if he had."

"He does die and come back Ginny."

"Ron…"

"Shutting up."

**Alright, let's play some Quidditch. Get on a broom, Harry get on that broom there and make my best friend proud.**

**Snape: Hey who's that? Hagrid?**

**Remus: No, it's not Hagrid Snape! What are you even doing here? Gryffindor has the field today, I reserved it weeks ago.**

**Snape: Not according to my schedule, Slythereen has the field so that we can train our new Seeker, Draco Malfoy.**

The kids laughed as his character skidded through Goyle's legs.

"You need to try these sometime Malfoy."

"Of course but only if you four break out into song in the Great Hall."

"Deal, when we get back we'll sing these songs and then you'll have to do these weird falls and such for a whole day."

"You're on."

**Remus: Alright, listen that is impossible okay? I got a slip from Dumbledore maybe he, maybe he accidently signed the field out to both of us.**

**Snape: That's absurd!**

**Remus: Hey! You're absurd!**

**Snape: What? Say that again to my face.**

**Remus: You're absurd!**

**Snape: That's absurd!**

Snape was mortified at his character as the five teens laughed at his expense.

"Lighten up Uncle Sev, it's funny because if you and Lupin really did this the students would be too stunned to do more than drool." Snape could see the humor in it from that point of view but he still didn't feel represented well.

**Remus: Ah!**

**Snape: Let's see this slip from Dumbledore, if it does exist.**

**Remus: Fine, I've got it right here. MEOW! (everyone freaks as cat is on Remus' hand)**

"Crookshanks strikes again."

"Yup, and everyone is dead scared of it except it's owner."

**Keep that, keep that thing out my things okay?**

**Hermione: I'm sorry.**

**Remus: What was I even doing? Ah, alright here.**

**Snape: Why this is preposterous ! I demand to see Dumbledore at once.**

**Remus: Fine let's go.**

**Snape: Right let's go.**

**Harry: Well, it's gonna be a while so I might as well take this time to pull out a funky tune.**

"You know, I carry my guitar in my back pocket all the time too."

"Hey, don't dis the awesome guitar."

"Just shut it you two so the next video can start."


	8. Act 1 Scene 8

Act 1 Scene 8

**Draco: Hey, Potter. Hey, Potter. Potter, Potter.**

**Harry: What Malfoy?**

**Draco: I drew a picture of you.**

"Being tad girly there?"

"I did in third year too of you getting struck by lightning."

"Something tells me this will need to be explained in better detail and will be funnier than that."

**Someone: What?**

**Draco: You see what's happening to you in it? It's you getting hit in the head with a Quaffle.**

**Goyle: -laughs-**

**Draco: Don't you feel foolish?**

"Not as foolish as you must feel now."

"Shut it Potter."

**Look, that's me. That one, that's me and I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time aren't' we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater. It's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's, it's probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back? Wait, no, I'm taking it!**

"I've completely lost it. I'm gonna have to add drawing in there aren't I?"

"You draw and post them around Hogwarts and we'll sing in the Great Hall at breakfast and dinner."

"Oh, just to see it."

**What do you think of that Potter huh? I've stolen your favorite drawing right. Look, what do you think of this, no. (ripped paper)**

"I have a better idea, why don't all five of us just re-enact a whole song together one at each meal? Or we could do one a day."

"I like that idea better. We start off with Get Back to Hogwarts."

"I say we then do Harry Freakin' Potter because that is just too much fun."

"We end with the ending song from this musical, no matter what it is."

The professors were in differing stages of agreeing to this.

**Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done Potter! You wait until my father hears about this. He'll say, -Draco, you god damn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human?-**

"I KNOW THE SECRET!"

"What?" Draco, Ginny, Harry, and Ron looked at Hermione as she grinned evilly.

"Oh, you'll find out eventually."

**And then, he will pull down my diaper and scour me for the mess I've made in it and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.**

**Neville: (mouths) Wow.**

"Neville got that right. Poor little Draco, getting spanked for being eleven and still in diapers."

"Not funny as it isn't true!"

"I hope not because amongst the female population we have bets going."

"What type of bets?" Ron and Draco were interested now.

"Nothing you'd want to get into."

"Fine, I'll put 10 Sickles on Harry." Harry looked at the evil glint in his girlfriend's eyes and gulped at what Ron was getting into.

"I'm putting 10 Galleons on me being better than Potter but Potter being better than Weasley."

"Hermione, record it." Hermione got up and got a pen and paper from the kitchen before writing down a lot of stuff.

"What did you two just get yourselves into?"

"Hermione got it?"

"Yup, and it's funny how they don't know what they are talking about but still picked two actual options available."

"WHAT DID WE BET ON?" The two boys were worried now that the challenge was over.

"The bet is going on who is well equipped to please a partner."

"You just put down 10 Sickles on Harry being the best lover, hands down, and Draco just put money on him being a little bit better than Harry but you're in third." The boys' mouths dropped open as they heard the bets going on in the female population of Hogwarts.

"What?"

"Yup, so far Harry was almost a 100 Galleons to him being the best hands-down and Ron and Draco are tying for second."

"Well, at least I have the pleasure of being number 1 for something that matters."

"Oh trust me, I'm winning this after graduation." Harry blushed at that but Draco and Ron laughed hard at Ginny's effective end to the conversation.

**Harry: That really sucks Malfoy, but I just can't believe you still wear a diaper.**

**Draco: All respectable wizards do. How do you expect me to use a potty I could fall into one of those monstrosities. At least, I can draw.**

**Hermione: You know what Malfoy, leave Harry alone. I mean, it's not like that drawing's that good.**

"Burned by Hermione."

**Draco: Not. That. Good? Let's see you try to draw something better you little Mudblood?**

**Ron: Hey!**

"No matter how much I hate someone I will never condone the use of that word."

"Big word there Weasley, condone."

"Uh huh, I still know that Slug Hex Malfoy and I'm better now."

**Yeah Herman, let's see you draw something right now in front of everyone. (everyone pressures her to draw something)**

**Harry: Just stop it! This is no way to go about this. Okay, (singing) Hermione can't draw…**

**Everyone: Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw, even if she's reading a "How to Draw" book. Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw. (repeats while Remus talks)**

**Remus: I screwed up Severus now, what the hell's going on here? Stop dancing, guys stop. Hey, this song isn't even that funny.**

**Ron: Oh yeah? Let's see you sing something right now in front of everyone.**

**Everyone: Lupin can't sing, Lupin can't sing(Remus: I don't' have to sing for you.) , Lupin cannot sing. (Yes, yes I can sing.) He only reads books and cannot sing. (I'm Remus Freakin…alright!) Even if he's reading a "How to Sing" book.**

**Remus: Alright, alright, guys. Guys! Remember Hermione can't draw!**

**Everyone: Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw. She only reads books and she cannot draw, even if she's reading a "How to Draw" book. Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw.**

**Snape: Granger, don't you have somewhere else to be?**

**Ron: Yeah! (high-fives Snape)**

"I can draw and I'll have you know if I couldn't then you wouldn't have half your understanding of our classes."

"OH yeah, she does draw the pictures in for us doesn't she?"

"Duh Ron, how do you think we pass Transfiguration?"

**Hermione: Do I have somewhere to be? No. (singing) All my dreams, I'm chasing after. They don't need all this laughter. I'd take a grain of salt, a stiff upper lip, it's not their fault I'm not as hip. Wake up kid, you know you're more than this. I'm the smartest person that I've ever met. (**"We think so too!"**) So why do I allow myself to possibly forget? There's so much more I know how to do, so much more than all of you. The only thing I wish I knew was how to make them see the girl that I can be. I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world. I know it but I can't show it at all. I am sick and tired of low, not higher. This is where I should belong. It's about time I prove them wrong. Give me a shot, to show what I've got. I'm a hell of a whole lot more than this frizzy hair, these frumpy clothes I wear. No, I'm looking like nobody you've seen before. Cause I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world. I know it, below it all. I am done with losing, on with choosing the coolest girl on the face of the planet, the coolest bitch on the earth, god damn it! The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard, so you can try to bring me down but sorry guys I'm sticking around. I've thought about it and I've found that I am the coolest girl yeah!**

"Wohoo! Go Hermione! You take them down a notch!"

"Wow, Hermione, you're definitely the coolest bitch I'd met. Ginny, don't look at me like that, you're the sexiest and most beautiful seductress."

"You have a way with words Potter."

"He has to with them around."


	9. Act 1 Scene 9

Act 1 Scene 9

**Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students! In celebration of All Hollow's Eve, we'll be taking a fieldtrip to Hogsmeade. Please go out to the courtyard with your signed Hogsmeade permission form. Students without their permission form will be killed, oh but they won't be allowed to go. It'll be a whole load of fun.**

"I'm not going to Hogsmeade, again."

"True, but it sucked being in the castle like that." The three friends smiled secretly at the memory of that cold Saturday morning.

**Draco: You know Goyle, using the potty's not so bad. I don't know why I was afraid of it all those years. I think I was concerned about falling in but I have found that if I climb on top of the potty right, and I put one foot on either side of the potty hole rim and get a firm holding, I'm actually quite safe.**

"Ah hell, I'm doomed."

"Yup, though urinals are brilliant inventions."

"Shut it Potter I know how to use the restroom properly."

**And did you know, that using the potty's a great time to socialize? See simply, you look over to the stall next to you and you have a right chat with your neighbor!**

"Nope, I'm done."

**Oh, hello there good sir! First time using the potty too eh? Good luck my man and then you simply squat, like so, and I do my business in my diaper as usual, and then I undo the side latches and simply let the diaper fall into the potty.**

The lions were laughing too hard to notice that Snape looked horrified at the description, Dumbledore was trying not to laugh and Draco was in shock.

**Yes, Father will hear of this.**

"No he won't, no one will ever mention this to anyone or I'll do something evil!"

"We're so scared Diaper Bottom."

"I mean really, still actually using the diaper there?"

"Oh guys, leave the poor baby alone." They laughed again but Draco couldn't fault them as he started laughing too as he thought about the complete crack potion this thing was.

**Umbridge: Permission form to Hogsmeade? Welcome to Hogsmeade. Permission form to Hogsmeade? Welcome to Hogsmeade. Permission form to Hogsmeade?**

**Harry: Uh no, I'm Harry Potter.**

"Good job Potter, whereas I can't use the restroom you don't have any respect for authority. I know which is more dangerous."

"Trust me, I don't think anyone respects her."

"I'll agree on that."

**Umbridge: (does really retarded laugh) I'm sorry, I didn't know I was in the presence of royalty.**

**Harry: Oh that's okay.**

**Umbridge: Oh everybody look, it's Harry Freakin' Potter!**

**Everyone: Yay!**

**Umbridge: Oh my god, he's so dreamy and he's so rich and famous.**

"Ew, she's hitting on me!"

"Do you like pink Potter?"

"Ugh, I'll stick to redheads Draco."

**Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter, would you play me a little song on your guitar. Oh wait, Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter, will you sign my boob? Oh right over here.**

**Harry: Is this…oh! (Umbridge has him in an arm lock)**

**Umbridge: I wonder what would happen if I just broke your fingers because then you wouldn't be able to play the guitar anymore and then all your little friends would just leave you alone and then you'd be just like Umbridge. Except Umbridge can kick your ass. Now you're a rule breaker Potter, and it's time for your punishment.**

**Harry: What punishment?**

**Umbridge: Oh, it's nothing too bad. You just have to take this knife (pulls out a knife), put it upright on a chair, and sit on it Potsy!**

"What?" Harry's voice cracked as he was suddenly given a mental image of Umbridge forcing that to happen. Draco and Ron cringed in sympathy while the girls looked murderous.

**Neville: Excuse me ma'am?**

**Umbridge: Who's disrespecting Umbridge? You wanna die Shlongbottom?**

**Neville: No ma'am, I just came to delivery these. (pulls out flowers)**

**Umbridge: What are those? Speak boy!**

**Neville: F-Flowers for you.**

**Umbridge: F-f-flowers f-f-for m-m-me? This must be some kind of mistake.**

**Neville: No mistake ma'am, I was told explicitly to bring them to you.**

**Umbridge: Put them on the ground and back away quickly.**

"You don't think Dumbledore sent them do you?"

"I think he did because Neville seems to be horribly unisexual in this."

**They don't seem explosive or poisonous. They smell absolutely delightful and their snapdragons. Oh my god, these are my favorite. Who could have known that?**

**Neville: Why don't you read the card ma'am.**

**Umbridge: Okay little boy. It says, Dear Umbridge –that's me- I thought you like these cutie. Aw, oh my.**

**Neville: May I ask who this caller is?"**

**Umbridge: Sure, Signed Big D. I wonder who that could be. Thank you little boy.**

**Neville: WHOA! (runs away)**

**Umbridge: Oh Potter, um, what was I saying again?**

"You were going to make me kill myself my ripping my intestines with a knife to my ass."

"Blunt Potter, blunt."

**Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife.**

**Umbridge: Oh! That's right. How silly of me, well, it sounds like your momma got a little bit carried away with herself but she's not an unreasonable momma. In fact, she's pretty cool right? Right, so what do you girls say we all go on down to Hogsmeade and have a little bit of fun huh? Hogsmeade! Hogsmeade everyone! Welcome to Hogsmeade, welcome to Hogsmeade, welcomes to Hogsmeade, not you Potter. You still need a permission form.**

**Ron: Well, I'll tell you all about it. It's probably gonna suck. (runs away)**

"The story of my life that year."

"It wasn't that fun until you came with us."

"When did he go there third year?"

"I was talking about our fourth year when he came out with us Professor, duh!" Harry looked at Ron in appreciation. _Nice save._

**Harry: Bye Ron. What's the matter Malfoy? Not going to Hogsmeade?**

**Draco: Certainly not it's beneath my dignity.**

**Harry: Whatever.**

**Draco: (lays down with paper and crayons) Dear Papa, I'm writing to enquire about my Hogsmeade permission form. I sent it to you on the very first day of school and I'm anxiously awaiting its return with your signature on it but don't rush Daddy! Missing out on trips like this allows me more time to write letters to you. Yes, things at Hogwarts are going quite swimmingly. I'm the most popular boy in school, even Harry Potter likes me. I'm also the darling of every classroom and the favorite of every professor who has any sense. Oh, and most importantly I have mastered the use of the potty. Yes, I admit I was a late bloomer but you can imagine my pride as I strode into Charms class and said, -Oh, hello gents! Professor Flitwick, sorry for my tardiness, I was just learning how to use the potty.- Oh how the children laughed and celebrated. I like making people laugh. I also like the potty. I know you haven't done so all year but you can feel free to write me anytime. Hugs and Butterfly Kisses, Your Draco. Oh PS, tell Mama to bugger off.**

"That's so sad…"

"It's not true in the slightest though. I might have had a spoiled and harsh childhood but both of my parents never faltered in loving me. I do feel slightly horrible about teasing you though Potter. I can understand now the feeling of being alone and unwanted."

"Yeah, it's not easy but fortunately I was able to choose my family."

**Hedwig: Hoot, hoot! Seamus Finnegan! Letter for Seamus Finnegan!**

**Draco: Hey you there, bird.**

**Hedwig: Yes Malfoy?**

**Draco: So you have anything in there for me? Perhaps from my Daddy?**

**Hedwig: Oh let me see here. Hmmm…nope sorry kid. Nothing here from Lucius Malfoy. Hey cheer up kid, do you want a Toys R Us catalog?**

**Draco: No, I just want to know why my Daddy won't write?**

**Hedwig: Listen kid, I don't have all the answers. I don't even know why I can talk really. But as another talking animal once said, -All fathers care for their sons.- So hang in there, okay?**

**Draco: Okay. Bye Hedwig.**

**Hedwig: Goodbye.**

"Oh my god Hedwig! I miss her now."

"She's a bird Potter."

"She was the first friend I ever had Malfoy." They stared each other down but eventually they both smiled and it was gone.

**Remus: Hey Harry. Harry Potter, wanna go to Hogsmeade or not?**

**Harry: More than anything.**

**Remus: Feast your eyes on this, the Marauder's Map.**

**Harry: What?**

**Remus: It shows the current location of everyone inside Hogwarts and also has all the secret passageways out of the castle. Here, take it.**

**Harry: Wow, who made this thing?**

"Messers Mooney…"

"Wormtail…"

"Padfoot…"

"and Prongs,"

"_Are proud to present that Marauder's Map._" Harry, Ron, and Hermione grinned at the introduction of the map. It was their savior last year.

"That's the bloody map? You three use that and the Cloak don't you?"

"No different than when my father used it with his friends."

"I am going to be looking now Potter."

"Severus, Harry has the Cloak from the Deathly Hallows. The Cloak can't be summoned, torn, or damaged in any way that will harm it's owner and those under it."

**Remus: Well, I certainly helped. No but it was me, your dad, some other guy and Sirius Black.**

**Harry: You mean my dad's traitor best friend?**

**Remus: No, no! I am your dad's traitor best friend. I'm your dad's traitor. No! I am your dad's best friend okay? Don't forget it.**

**Snape: Hey Lupin, want to go look at the full moon with me? Or a zombie…**

**Remus: Snape! Alright, Harry, I gotta go. Listen, just stay out of the Shrieking Shack okay? I'm a werewolf in there.**

**Harry: Oh wait what?**

"Ha, he tells you and you're still oblivious."

"Yeah whatever, next video!"


	10. Act 1 Scene 10

Act 1 Scene 10

**Umbridge: Alright children, have fun in Hogsmeade. (kids cheer and run away) Oh and don't get killed by Sirius Black.**

"Of course she would. Our safety is always second to her perfection."

"You know the Ministry is lucky Sirius wasn't really a murderer because I would have been dead before even getting to Hogwarts."

"Really?"

"Yup, he was in his dog form and was watching Privet Drive from some bushes. It was before the Knight Bus came."

"Yeah, I guess we are lucky Sirius was innocent."

**Whew, Momma sure does have some mischievous little scamps, doesn't she Big D?**

**Dumbledore: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.**

"EW!" The students were all laughing and making faces. Dumbledore was blushing and was mortified while Snape looked torn between disgust and amusement and satisfaction.

**Umbridge: Dumbledore? You sent me the Snap Dragons didn't you?**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah.**

**Umbridge: That was so sweet.**

**Dumbledore: Well I am the Headmaster. It's my job to make all the faculty at Hogwarts feel at home. So what do you say Umbridge? How about we hop on a good foot and head down to the Three Broomsticks and I will treat you to a traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shot?**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore! Do you really do body shots off of all the new teachers?**

**Dumbledore: Only the handsome ones.**

**Umbridge: Huh! Dumbledore, you make me blush.**

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"I think we are all agree with that assessment."

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah? (singing) I bet that you're the one who gets all of the boys to buy you things. **

**Umbridge: (singing) I'm sure that you've got all the girls to beg you for their wedding rings.**

**Dumbledore: What? I like your twisted humor!**

**Umbridge: I like you mystic rumors.**

**Together: I'd say we can assume we're gonna get along.**

**Umbridge: You're not like average Joe's or Jim's or Tim's or John's.**

**Dumbledore: And I'd wager that you'd never run from danger with those muscles made of bronze. I can safely shout, without a doubt, that it won't take very long…**

**Together: Before we're getting, and not regretting, ever setting on getting along!**

**Dumbledore: Oh right this way Umbridge.**

**Umbridge: Oh my! What a fancy place.**

**Waiter: Oh, look at these strapping young gentlemen. What'll it be Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore: Just the Welcome-to-Hogwarts special.**

**Waiter: Ah! Two body shots coming right up.**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is so crazy.**

**Dumbledore: Oh I'm full of crazy ideas. Oh hey, by the way Umbridge, have you ever tried Gillyweed? We can have some of this and take a dip in our hidden swimming pool.**

"When we get back, we are so going swimming!"

"I'm in."

"When do you plan on doing this you five?"

"Marauders' Map, Invisibility Cloak and years of sneaking around we can do it whenever."

**Umbridge: Hidden swimming pool, where's that?**

**Dumbledore: On Cloud 9 baby. On Cloud 9! Ah ha! (do the completely gay and funny dance we all love)**

"Oh hell this is hilarious!"

"I wonder if they are good friends?"

"Probably, they look way to comfortable doing this to not be. Hey Potter, maybe you and Weasley would like to re-enact some of your scenes for us?"

"Not on your life Malfoy, but then again…"

"Fine, singing is enough."

**Dumbledore: You are a beautiful sample, for example my gosh, you're so strong! What's the matter with me?**

**Umbridge: Oh you're just flattering me!**

**Together: Oh how we're both just getting along.**

**Umbridge: I've never felt this way before…**

**Dumbledore: Felt how?**

**Umbridge: Um, intimidated?**

**Umbridge: You have such prominence and poise!**

**Dumbledore: Oh that old thing! Baby, it's just me Dumbledore. So just try to relax, face the facts-you'll feel just like one of the boys!**

**Umbridge: One of the boys? I do?**

"I love how they both think two completely different things."

"Dumbledore thinks he's in for a man and is gonna get a woman."

**Dumbledore: Oh you sure do baby! Ha-ha!**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore! Yes sir, you're the one professor that'd I'd want detention from.**

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, you're the handsome wizard that'd I'd want an extension from! (Umbridge: And you'd get it too.) I'll get the door.**

**Umbridge: Oh you'll get much more…**

**Together: Either way we can't go wrong with how shamelessly and how famously we're both just getting along.**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, before we go any further, there's a confession I want to make.**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah?**

**Umbridge: I've never been with a man before.**

**Dumbledore: Oh you're first time with a man can be very scary. Mine certainly was but Grindelwald just took my hand and said, -Relax Dumby, we cool and go with the flow. You know?-**

"Holy shit! Isn't that the wizard you defeated the first time?"

"Yes, it is Ronald." Dumbledore looked conflicted, remembering those times. Before it had gotten out of hand, they were some of his best memories of his childhood.

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, you know just what to say to make me feel magical. Most guys don't understand me at all.**

**Dumbledore: Well, uh, I think we understand each other perfectly Mr. Umbridge.**

**Together: Oh, we'd be get-get-getting, we'll be get-get- getting, getting ALONG!**

"A whole video dedicated the Albus and Dolores romance, sorry Professor but I'm curious as to how this plays out now."

"It's alright Harry, I'm interested myself as Dolores and I have never been on good terms, even when she walked Hogwarts' walls for seven years."


	11. Act 1 Scene 11

Act 1 Scene 11

The children all yawned, they were supposed to have stopped watching things a few videos ago. With that, Dumbledore paused the videos and made the kids go to bed. Snape and Dumbledore stayed up a bit, watching as they all slept soundly.

"Albus, you're still thinking about the Horcruxes and such, aren't you?"

"Of course Severus, because now that we know some of everything, I'm trying to see how I can help Harry. I'm going to die Severus, the curse ensures that and I know how much that'll hurt them." Severus couldn't say anything and soon both men fell asleep to restless sleep.

Everyone was woken up by the smell of bacon and toast. Ron jumped up immediately and ran in to see Harry making bacon sandwiches.

"Dude, after Hogwarts we are so rooming together for a couple years." Harry laughed and just pointed Ron to a separate plate from the one he was filling.

"That's just for you so take your time." Soon the others were trickling in and eating. Going back to school was going to ruin this easy routine they had adapted. Hermione did dishes quickly before running out to watch the videos. Snape noticed with a sneer that the teens were all in their pajamas and with a bit of astonishment noticed that the brats had probably planned this out as they were all in varying designs of footie pajamas.

**Seamus: So, you guys ever here the one about Sirius Black and Flitwick's Little brother? So Flitwick's Little Bother is walking down the streets of London and Sirius Black, he's in this storm drain, dressed as a clown and he's like, "Yo, hey Flitwick's Little Brother, down here in this storm drain, it's me; a clown." And Flitwick's little brother is like, "Yeah chap, what you want?" And Sirius Black is like, "Oh, Flitwick's little brother, you've gotta get down here in this storm drain with me cause you're missing out! We've got a carnival down here. We've got loads of cotton candy and balloons and a kid that can do flips." And he goes, "I gotta get down there. That sounds like a right treat, that does!" So, he reaches down his arm there right, but Sirius Black, he grows these mad teeth and he bites the kid's head off! (Asian cries)**

"We have got to get Seamus to watch that movie now."

"What movie?" Hermione looked to Harry but he didn't know what it was.

"It's a horror film, called **It**. It's about an alien that disguises itself as a clown and then goes about killing children and tormenting them because they still believe. What happens though is these friends remember when they grow up and eventually kill the creature after losing family and friends."

"Ew, that's disgusting."

**And two days later, that kid died.**

"He would have died immediately moron."

"Hermione, it's a musical parody."

**Dean: Man, that is the biggest piece of bullshit I've ever heard.**

**Cho: I think that's pretty scary. Have y'all ever heard of the Shrieking Shack?**

**Ron: Shrieking Shack, my brother Fred says it's (gulp) haunted.**

"Fred would say that wouldn't he? Him and George have probably been there loads of times."

"Not a bad place if we cleaned it up a bit honestly."

"Maybe a school hideout or something?"

"Ron, Harry, you two shut it now…no more ideas!"

**Cho: That's right. It's the most haunted place in all of Great Britain and it's right over yonder.**

**Dean: Nah yah, they've got monsters all up in there.**

**Seamus: Yeah, I've heard that Wood lost a Quaffle in there once. He went in to get it and he never came out!**

**Cho: Why don't we go check it out?**

**Seamus: Are you nuts! No!**

**Cho: Come on, y'all are Gryffindors. Where's your sense of Halloween adventure?**

"Bad things happen on Halloween, every year too."

"Troll in first year, petrified cat and message in second, Sirius breaks into Hogwarts in third, Triwizard Tournament in fourth, Umbridge in fifth year…"

"Okay, even I'll admit that wretched woman had life hell all last year." Ron actually high-fived Draco.

"We'll corrupt you to our ways yet."

**Ron: I got a right mind to stay out of that place on Halloween.**

**Cho: Okay, how's about this? I will give a big fat kiss to who's ever brave enough to go up there and ring the doorbell. Anyone?**

**Hermione: I'll do it.**

"Hermione, did not know you swung that way occasionally."

"Don't even think about it Ronald Bilius Weasley, I don't and never will."

**Ron: Herman?**

**Hermione: I'm not afraid of the Shrieking Shack. Everything I've ever read tells me those urban legends are just old wives' tales.**

**Cho: Yeah but see here's the thing, I'm not kissing you Herman.**

**Hermione: I don't want a kiss from you Cho. I want something better.**

"Go Hermione."

"I would have said I didn't want herpes or something."

"That's so low and mean, I think I have a newfound appreciation for your girlfriend Potter." Ginny stuck her tongue out at the Slytherin.

**Seamus: Better than a kiss from Cho Chang?**

**Hermione: I want you to carry my books for the rest of the semester.**

**Students: Oooo.**

"Nice, make the perky little bitch do actual work."

**Cho: Okay, well, if we are raising the stakes, then ringing the bell just won't do. You have to go in there and draw us a picture of the monster.**

**Hermione: What, but you know that I can't draw without a pad of paper.**

**Neville: It just so happens I have a sketch pad right here.**

**Hermione: Well, this is useless without a pencil.**

**Neville: Well you're lucky I came so prepared.**

**Hermione: Do I get a flashlight or something?**

**Cho: Lumos.**

"I hated that place with Harry protecting me let alone by myself on the night Lupin is known to actually be using it."

**Seamus: I know, she can shine it up through the back of the paper and trace him.**

**Cho: No tracing Herman, I'll be able to tell.**

**Hermione: Alright! Well, here I go.**

**Ron: Oh Hermanin, Hermanino, Hermaninino, wait-wait um, you don't have to do this. What's it gonna prove?**

**Hermione: That maybe somebody in this school cares about whether I live or die!**

**Cho: (singing) I wouldn't count on it.**

"She is so dead."

"We care Hermione."

"I don't care right now, she's mine."

"I'll help…have some gloating to do anyways."

**(Howl)**

**Seamus: Bloody shit! What is that?**

**Dean: Let's get out of here. (all but Ron run away)**

**Harry: Whoa! Wait, what whoa, what's going on?**

**Ron: Whoa, Herman went into the Shrieking Shack and the monster that lives in there is pissed.**

**Harry: Well, Ron, we've gotta go save her.**

**Ron: But, Harry, she's-she's not even our friend.**

**Harry: Ron, come on man.**

"Thank you Harry for caring."

"No problem, at least we do get to be friends through saving each other."

**Harry: Uh, Herman-o-ine.**

**Together: Hermanione.**

**Harry: Hermanana.**

**Together: Herman a boingo oingo.**

**Ron: Hey you and I are bad ass.**

**Ron: Em a nema banana**

**Harry: Ah mononucleosis.**

**Ron: Hermana…**

"Really? Mononucleosis?"

"I like bananas."

"We know Weasley."

**Both: AH!**

**Hermione: AH!**

**Ron: Oh it's just Herman. Herman, you're the monster?**

**Harry: (growl) Ah, oh quick! We've gotta get out of here. There's another monster in here and it's probably not as friendly.**

**Hermione: Oh good idea, let's go. Hey, what's this?**

**Ron: What's that?**

**Hermione: It's Lupin's broach. But, why is it in the Shrieking Shack?**

**Harry: Yeah, especially when he told me to stay out of here.**

**Hermione: Yeah. (they hear growls)**

**Ron: Harry…it's a…it's a…**

**All three: A VAMPIRE!**

"Ah hell we ruined it."

"Yup, so totally ruined this."

"What is wrong with us?"

**Hermione: Harry, what do we do?**

**Harry: I have my wand in my bag.**

**Ron: Let's get it out.**

**Harry: Damn it! Ah! (cat is on Harry's hand)**

**Hermione: Crookshanks!**

**Harry: You like this? You want this? (waves cat in front of werewolf) Go get it!**

**Hermione Ah! No, no Crookshanks!**

**Ron: Hurry, let's go while it's distracted.**

"My cat saved the day!"

"It also almost ate my hand!"

"He would never really do that."

"He seems to love my underwear though Hermione."

"I can't help it if you appeal to his pheromones."

"Gross."


	12. Act 1 Scene 12

Act 1 Scene 12

**Harry: Let's go hide in the woods.**

**Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's the Forbidden Forest. All sorts of creepy creatures live in there.**

"Like spiders and Voldemort and Bowtruckles and pixies and doxies and those Blasted-Ended Skrewts that Hagrid created."

"Okay, I'll admit the spiders and such are bad but really pixies? They are just annoying."

**Harry: It's either here of the Shrieking Shack. Let's go.**

**Ron: I can't believe we're going from the scariest place in the world to the scariest place in the world.**

**Harry: Uh, let's take cover behind this fallen tree here. (they all drop)**

"Use your imagination."

"Hey Ron, hand me a Red Vine."

"Magic word Harry…"

"Do it or die."

**You alright Hermin?**

**Hermione: Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright Ron?**

**Ron: I will be after a Red Vine.**

"Weasley, does the word carbs mean anything to you?"

"Malfoy, does the word twat mean anything to you?"

**Harry: Listen, Hermona, what…why would you go into the Shrieking Shack if yah knew there was a monster in there?**

"I like the real way better."

"Same here…trolls just can't be beat."

"Unless it's against us."

**Aren't you the one that's always telling us not to go out and do dangerous stuff and never have any kind of…**

**Hermione: Fun?**

**Harry: Yeah! Ah, yes...**

**Hermione: You know I just thought that if for once I did something crazy then maybe you guys would like me.**

**Ron: Yeah well you thought wrong.**

**Harry: Okay, no-no-no, listen, Hermione…**

"You used my name!" She kissed Harry's cheek and he blushed as Ron laughed.

"Stop showing us up Potter."

**Hermione: Wait, you said my name right.**

**Harry: Just now? Did I? Hermin-munster?**

**Hermione: That is close enough,**

**Harry: Listen, you don't need to pretend to be something you're not just to get people to like you. I mean just look at me.**

**Hermione: But you're Harry Potter.**

"Trust me there are times when I wish that my name was Neville Longbottom or even Dudley Dursley. They don't have expectations from the world on them."

**Harry: Yes but maybe in the Wizarding World, that's true. In the Muggle world, I'm just…I'm something called a douche bag.**

Malfoy and Ron cracked up. Harry glared at the two while Hermione looked disgusted and Ginny was torn between amusement and anger.

"That's brilliant!"

**Hermione: A what?**

**Harry: A douche bag Hermin. I play guitar when everyone just wants to hang out. I make weird covers of Disney songs. Who does that?**

"That feels like it should be completely hilarious but I don't get it."

_The man who is playing you, Harry, is a performer for television and an artist. He covers Disney songs, which means singing them but making them a tad more original._

"Well, that makes more sense than…maybe we should look up a song of his then after this."

**You see Muggles, they think I'm shit. To them, I'm just a douche bag. I'm like a…um…Jesse McCartney. Yeah, I'm like Jesse McCartney. I'm Jesse McCartney's douche.**

**Ron: I got a confession to make too. Back home, around my brothers, I'm kind of a douche bag too.**

"You Gryffindors and sappy moments."

**I'm like Sheila LeBoof, the Prince Douche.**

**Harry: Hey, that's okay. At Hogwarts, it's okay to be who you are. It's cool to be unique. It's alright so hey, so maybe you're not very pretty like Cho Chang or you're not as fun as Ron.**

**Ron: Or cool like Snape.**

"Really…what is with Snape and me in these damn things?"

"I don't know Mr. Weasley. I'm in as much distaste as you are." The redhead blushed as he had forgotten the professors were here.

**Harry: But you know what, you are smart like Hermione Granger.**

"Ah, Harry, you're so cute!"

"Potter, stop ruining us!"

"Not my fault you suck with the ladies Malfoy."

**And I for one, would love to have a friend that could do my Ancient Runes essay.**

"Yes! Moment ruined!"

**Hermione: You mean it?**

**Harry: Yeah 'cause it's due tomorrow.**

**Hermione: Harry, Ron! (hug) Come here.**

The three Gryffindors all hugged each other on the couch as well. They were friends until the end and beyond.

**Ron: Oh my god you're so soft.**

**Harry: Thanks!**

"Uh, Ron, that's me you're petting."

"I'm not soft!" Harry exclaimed.

"Of course you're not Potter."

"Saved your ass didn't I Malfoy?"

**Hermione: You guys really like me?**

**Harry: Well, there's just some things in life you can't go through without becoming friends afterwards. Mainly one of them being chased by a 12-foot vampire. (growl)**

**Ron: Whoa! (werewolf is there)**

"Oh poor Lupin…"

"I can't believe how dangerous they are making him out to be."

**Harry: AH! Oh we're dead as shit. We're dead!**

**Ron: I regret nothing.**

**Hermione: I'm in love with you both. **

**(Neigh)**

"Oh my wizard god, is that Firenze?"

"That's bloody brilliant!"

"They have Firenze, Crookshanks, and Hedwig…do you think they'll have the basilisk?"

"I hope not."

**Firenze: None shall harm Harry Potter whilst thy still draw breath. Get back, back you cowardly thing. Run you creature of the night and know that these woods belong to the centaurs and their kin.**

"He has to be gay in this."

"Probably."

**Do not worry Harry Potter and co. The beast is gone. (they bow to him)**

"I don't think I've willingly bowed to anyone before."

"Nope, not us either."

"Does my situation count?"

"Yes." Four resounding voices told the Slytherin Prince.

**Harry: Who are you?**

**Firenze: Rise, call me Firenze. It in the centaur tongue means friend.**

**Harry: Thank you. How did you…**

**Firenze: Know to save you? The leader of my tribe is a wise and powerful being. He has seen the future and thus charged the centaurs with your protection Harry. For you are destined for great things. (Ron pets him and he looks like he just had a pleasurable shiver done his spine)**

"I hope you don't ever really pet him."

"Nope, don't plan on it."

**Hermione: I know that the centaurs were close to extinct but I never thought I'd get to see one in real life.**

**Firenze: It is true. We centaurs are a dying breed. Due to a magical plague many moons ago, all females of our kind have perished.**

All three guys shuddered at that. A world with no girls? Harry and Ron touched their respective girlfriends (not inappropriately you perves!) to ground them that women still existed.

**We have long searched for a human mate but not one has ever survived.**

"Why not?"

"Ron, let's just say that a small horse or centaur is like a broom in length and my Runes book in width."

"Holy shit and that fits?"

"Children, I believe this conversation is ending now."

"Yes Professor Dumbledore."

**Harry: What, why don't they survive?**

**Firenze: They haven't survived coitus Harry.**

**Harry: What's coitus?**

"I'm not even elaborating."

"I don't think you have to Hermione. Harry, looking a bit green there?"

"Ron think about it…"

"DAMN IT HARRY! NOW IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD! BAD IMAGES!"

**Harry: (Hermione whispers to him) Oh, they die because of your giant horse dong.**

**(Ron goes down and checks)**

"A tad interested Ron?"

"I didn't know you were into bestiality Weasel."

"Shut it Ferret."

**Harry: That's funny.**

**Firenze: Yes, it sounds like a funny problem but it's actually not.**

**Harry: Oh I'm sorry,**

**Firenze: It's alright. Listen, we've got to get you kids back to Hogwarts Castle. Harry, unless the stars are mistaken, you've got a Quidditch game that you must be well rested for.**

"You men and that stupid game!"

"It's either that stupid game or constantly dueling Granger."

**Harry: Wow thanks Firenze. You're so cool.**

**Firenze: I sure am. Well, get on my back. To Hogwarts.**

The kids were laughing at the end of the video.


	13. Act 1 Scene 13

Act 1 Scene 13

**Rita: Good Morning Wizarding World, Rita Skeeter here reporting to you live from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's dawn out here on the Quidditch field as we prepare to bare witness to the epic battle between Pee-Wee Gryffindor and Slythereen Teams. Today, dear readers, we'll be deciding which team deserves to be remembered as champions and who will forever be disgraced as eternal wienies.**

"WOHOO! QUIDDITCH!"

"You do realize you won't really be flying right?"

"So?"

**I wonder what do we have here. You there! Nerd, what can you tell us about this gruesome sight young man?**

**Neville: Well, that's our coach, Professor Lupin. He's killed this beautiful doe in some kind of blood lust.**

"Poor Lupin, though why did they have to pick a doe?" Snape agreed with Potter, as Lily's Patronus and his was a doe.

**Remus: Whoa, whoa, OH GOD HELP ME! What the…WHO'D I KILL?**

**Rita: Good morning Mr. Lupin, my name is Rita Skeeter, I'm a reporter for the Daily Profit.**

**Remus: Oh hi!**

"Awkward much there Professor?"

"It's weird seeing them portray him like this when he really isn't that dangerous…"

"Hermione, allow the parody to just go on."

**Rita: Care to explain what's going on here?**

**Remus: Well, I think that everybody's just getting excited for a nice game of Quidditch. I know my team is rearing to go. (Neville shakes head no).**

"Ha, Gryffindors not ready for Quidditch, never heard of such a thing…."

"It's Neville Malfoy, he's never ready for leaving the ground."

**Rita: No, I'm referring to the slaughtered doe and the fact that your entire person is soaked in blood.**

**Remus: Uh…well, well uh…it's tradition.**

"What?"

**Yes, it's tradition that every game, before the match, that the Gryffindor Peewee Quidditch Team kill a defenseless doe and devour it.**

Harry and Ron looked sick while Draco was trying not to laugh and still be disgusted all at once.

"I don't eat venison anymore because of my parents, let alone….gross."

**Ah, in doing so we are able to absorb the power and ferocity…of a doe.**

Hermione left the room to the bathroom quickly. It was grossing the teens out immensely and it was a wonder that Harry wasn't in the restroom as well. Ever since he found out his Father was a stag and his mother the doe, he had refused to eat any venison, and for Remus and Sirius, he donated heavily to animal groups that concentrated on wolves and the local pound so all dogs could find a home.

**Pretty cool huh Shlongbottom?**

**Neville: That's Bambi's mom.**

Hermione had just come back in, looking a bit better, before she and Harry burst into laughter.

"What's so funny?" Ron, Draco, and Ginny were so confused…

"It's a character from a children's story…it's a bit sad but the hilarity is in the fact only Neville would think of that."

**Remus: Ha ha, just eat the doe Shlongbottom.**

**Neville: I couldn't!**

**Remus: Eat it. (shoves Neville down) Nom nom, nom nom. That's good.**

More laughter erupted form the teens, no longer concentrating on the fact that Neville was eating a slaughtered doe but more on the fact Remus was being so stupid.

**Rita: M-Mr. Lupin, it's widely rumored you are engaged in a heated quarrel with a one Severus Snape.**

"Understatement of the century…"

**What do you make of the allegations made by Professor Snape that you are, and I quote, "Unfit to teach children, are a danger to yourself and others, has never graduated Hogwarts, and are a washed-up…loser."**

Harry glared at the screen then turned his attentions to said Potions Professor. Said glared-at man knew enough by now to just keep watching the blasted musical.

**Remus: That's bullshit…(Neville: -gasp-) I mean those are half-truths. Listen, you can tell Snape that he's a jerk and you can quote me on that.**

**Rita: Oh, my dear readers, I am star-struck. Entering the scene is none other than Harry Freakin' Potter, the Gryffindor Seeker.**

Ginny and Hermione looked at each other than gushed over Harry. He looked scared as they touched his hair and petted his clothing.

"Oh my god, isn't he just dreamy?"

"He's so famous…"

"Please Mr. Potter can I have your autograph?"

"Can I have your shirt Mr. Potter?" Harry jumped away from them and they followed for a couple seconds before falling down in laughter.

"So star-struck…"

"Women, bloody insane I tell yah Malfoy…"

"I agree Weasley, I agree."

**Harry: It's hanging Daily Profit.**

**Rita: Harry, kid, good luck on the game. (slaps their asses)**

Ron and Harry gagged, Harry having sat on the floor by Dumbledore and Snape so as Hermione and Ginny stayed away from him until they regained their sanity.

**It's time for spectators to take their seats for what's shaping up to be a truly remarkable game of Quidditch. Rita Skeeter, signing off.**

"Man that was horrible, slaughtering does-eating dead does-Professors in their underwear-girls being insane…this is shaping up to be the weirdest thing ever."

**Dumbledore: Severus, what's the stupidest thing you've ever done because I bet I just topped it.**

**Snape: My actions led directly to death of the only thing I ever loved.**

**Dumbledore: Well, this will be twice as funny as that, Severus.**

Snape looked offended by considering that even remotely funny in any aspect of society while Harry looked pissed that his mother's and father's deaths were written off as a joke.

**I was at Hogsmeade, treating Professor Umbridge to the traditional Welcome-to-Hogwarts body shots, you know? (Snape: Oh ho.) And the two of us really hit it off. There was this little song, little dance, and to make a long story short, we ended up going home together.**

**Snape: Oh Headmaster!**

**Dumbledore: Severus, let me finish. So Umbridge slips out of that hideous outfit, would you believe it, Professor Umbridge, get this, is a woman!**

"No!"

"Never would have believed it!"

"Where is the justice in that?"

"I can't believe it…a woman!"

**Snape: No…**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah.**

**Snape: What did you do?**

**Dumbledore: The first thing that came out of my mouth was…Ah!**

The kids were laughing again, unable to get the image of Dumbledore actually screaming like that out of their minds.

"Albus, I must insist that you never talk with me about any of your exploits."

"Severus, I think we can both agree on that."

**Then I did the only thing that would make the whole situation less awkward for everyone.**

**Snape: What's that?**

**Dumbledore: I Disapparated.**

"Umbridge Is so going to hunt you down now Professor…you're in for it."

**Snape: You didn't?**

**Dumbledore: I did.**

**Snape: Oh Headmaster, I told you never to deal with things. It's like that one time I made out with Professor Grubby-plank. She got clingy.**

Snape was turning all shades of green right now, appalled at his character having a romantic life…

**You have to confront them, tell them they don't have what you're looking for.**

**Dumbledore: Severus, these things tend to blow over. Just like that time when everyone was complaining, hey! Dumby, you have to expel Tom Riddle from Hogwarts 'cause he's evil but I just told them to stuff it and eventually everything just worked itself out.**

"Would you have, if you knew?"

"I think I would have showed him the light at a much younger age, but unfortunately, he would have needed a loving family to help him. You knew a loving life for a year Harry. Something that powerful does not disappear, no matter how long ago it was. Riddle never had that and so he had nothing to subconsciously remind him that there was good in the world."

"I still say you should listen to Snape right now Professor."

"Ron, bad subject change, bad!"

**It's just not bad, You know? (ring) Oh, I'm blowing up. Oh god damn it.**

**Snape: What?**

**Dumbledore: It's a text from Umbridge!**

"A what?"

"That is a cellphone…a portable phone you can take with you everywhere. A text, or text message, is a readable message you can type up on the phone, so you don't have to call."

"Really?"

"It's quite addicting too…I text a lot when I'm home."

**It says, "We need to talk, ;)…oh!"**

**Snape: -laugh- Oh I do not envy you. (ring) Sorry that's me…what the devil?**

**Dumbledore: What?**

**Snape: It's a PPM from Umbridge. "Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?" Now you've dragged me into this?**

**Dumbledore: Just ignore it…I, maybe she'll just…**

**Umbridge: Did you get my text?**

"Why don't we have something that fast and portable?"

"It's a Muggle device and Muggle technology that is decently recent…"

"I've always wondered that though….why so much in the Dark Ages? I mean, there are rights and stuff I have in England that seem to not apply in the Wizarding world."

"I don't know Miss Granger, I'll have to look into that."

**Dumbledore: Yeah.**

**Umbridge: Well, you didn't text me back and you left so quickly last night that I didn't get a chance to say…**

**Dumbledore: Yeah about that…**

**Umbridge: That last night was the most amazing night of my life.**

**Dumbledore: Oh yeah?**

**Umbridge: I love you.**

"Ah hell, we're screwed now. Dumbledore is going to piss her off, she'll seek revenge and then we suffer for it."

**(Dumbledore's scream) oh me too!**

**Snape: Oh, I can't watch his…Listen Umbridge, the Headmaster is terrible with confrontation. What he's trying to say is that, well, he's just not that into you.**

**Umbridge: What? (chokes Snape)**

"Oh, you are in a lot of trouble Professor…"

"She wouldn't last a minute against me."

**You don't know a god damn thing about our magical night together you fucking little Snape in the grass. (Snape goes down to his knees) He loves me, he's the only man who loves me. We're gonna be happy and you're gonna die!**

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, stop, he's right! He's right…**

**Umbridge: What?**

**Dumbledore: I don't wanna be with you. I was only hitting on you because I thought you were a sexy man. Maybe if you were a man, then I'd…**

**Umbridge: No, no, I'm proud to be a woman. I am a strong woman. Hear me smash… eh…eh…**

"Oh, I feel a bit of sympathy to her now…not our Umbitch, this one."

**Dumbledore: Hey, I'm sorry, I just made a big goofy. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up and I'm sorry if I went around telling everybody about our sexual exploits. I only did it because I thought it would make them laugh.**

Ron and Harry got oddly weird glints in their eyes and put their arms around Dumbledore.

"Okay, Professor, we have some good advice for you."

"Leave the exploits to yourself…"

"…don't run away in a fight, makes things worse…"

"…don't go for pink, no pink…"

"…and we both suggest that you and Snape never do it." They finished together and Dumbledore was laughing.

"I'll take your advice gentlemen, and I believe Miss Weasley and Miss Granger are both lucky young women."

**They did laugh. Come on, I mean come on it's funny.**

**Umbridge: No, no what are these? Tears? No, Umbridge, you don't cry. Umbridge don't cry. You don't cry. Yes, you do cry! You do cry you chubby little fuck.**

Harry and Ron were trying not to laugh but it hurt because it was funny in a way.

**That's all I am is a chubby little fuck.**

**Snape: Are you crying? Is she crying?**

**Dumbledore: She's laughing, I mean , it is pretty funny. (both men laugh)**

"Professor, they have ruined your character so much…"

"It's just for entertainment, dear, and there is a slight humor in this."

**Umbridge: AH! (Dumbledore: WA!) I will destroy you! I will grind your bones to make my bread. I will erase everything that you ever were and I will have your job. Mark my words, Dumbledore, I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB! (runs away)**

"And our hell starts now…"

**Dumbledore: So Severus, who do you think will win the big game huh?**

**Snape: Gryffindor certainly.**

**Dumbledore: Oh good!**

**Snape: Draco is such a little shit.**

"YES! FIVE POINTS TO SNAPE!"

**Lucius: Tell me about it.**

**Dumbledore: Hey Lucius!**

**Lucius: Hey!**

**Snape: Why, Lucius Malfoy…**

**Lucius: It's been a long time Severus. (weird hand shake)**

"Oh god, the attempt on my life, again."

"Who did do that your first year Potter?"

"Voldemort and Quirrel."

**Snape: I didn't expect to see you here. I received a letter saying you wouldn't be able to come to any of the games this year.**

**Lucius: Yes, I am in a way, but you know how I love Quidditch. I never miss a game, especially one who's outcome means such a great deal to me.**

**Snape: Oh yes? And what's so important about this particular Quidditch game?**

**Lucius: Let's just say, I've made a large wager that lies heavily on the outcome of this game. Which is why I hope you won't object, I made some last-minute replacements to your team.**

**Snape: Replacements?**

"No, he made the Death Eaters the team!"

**Lucius: Yes, let me introduce you, Yaxley!**

**Yaxley: Hey Coach.**

**Lucius: Here they are, all new transfers to Hogwarts and all exceptional Quidditch players. Now why don't you run along and tell your that they'll be sitting this game out.**

**Snape: As you wish Lucius.**

"I have never been that controlled by that purebred rodent in our entire time knowing each other."

**Lucius: Now boys, remember, do whatever you can to knock Potter off his broom. Make sure the fall is fatal and don't forget when we get on that field…**

**Draco: -gasp- Oh it's my Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, you came to love me!**

**Lucius: Point your toes…pull that chin up…**

**Draco: Daddy, look, I drew you a picture!**

"Ah, Draco, your father isn't there for you…"

"I know…but what the hell was I doing?"

**It's me on the potty! Look, that's you in the background and you're saying, "That's my son!" and then the potty, it says, "Thank you Draco! Even potties need to eat." I like the shading on your hair.**

**Yaxley: Best I've ever seen. Can I ask you, you didn't trace this or nothing?**

**Draco: No.**

**Yaxley: Wow, take a look at this fellas. Look at this right here with the…**

**Death Eater: Is that cross-hatching I detect? **

**Lucius: Silence!**

"I thought it wasn't a half-bad drawing honestly. Magic photos are cooler though, the movements really bring the pictures to their full potential."

"Malfoy, I'd be more worried over the fact your father seems pissed off…."

"True…"

**Get out of here you cretin and don't forget to kill Harry Potter.**

**Yaxley: Can I hang on to this?**

**Lucius: Keep it. And **_**you**_**, you listen to me you little poof! You better not screw this up.**

"Okay, I like impressing my Father but this seems almost a lost cause."

"It looks similar to me and the Dursleys to be honest. I started giving up on that when I was four."

"Four?"

"Drop it there."

**Draco: I won't Daddy, I won't. You'll see, you'll love me after this. I'll catch that Snitch…mark my words. **_**When I won the…**_**hey.**

"I never get to sing in these things! Why not?"

"Calm down Draco…honestly…they are called the Potter Musical and Sequel. Who knows, you might redeem yourself in here somehow."


	14. Act 1 Scene 14 and AN

Act 1 Scene 14

**Dumbledore: Let the games begin! (Cho blows whistle)**

"What are we wearing?"

"I don't' know Potter, what did you miscreants think when you chose those horrendous outfits?" Snape was once again eying the footie pajamas with dislike and a bit of murder.

"What…oh these? Hey, just because we are secluded out doesn't mean we can't be comfortable."

"You look like overgrown children!"

"Uncle Sev, what's your point?" Draco looked at the spy and smirked when he turned flustered and went back to the impromptu Quidditch match.

**Gryffindors: Somebody's going down, somebody's going down.**

"Man we can dance!"

**And it ain't gonna be us. Somebody's gonna lose, somebody's gonna lose and it ain't gonna be us. Somebody's going down, somebody's going down.**

**Slytherins: We're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass.**

**Gryffindors: And it ain't gonna be us.**

**Slytherins: You're going down, you're going down, you're going down.**

**(Repeat)**

"You know, dancing like this reminds me of High School Musical."

"Hermione, please tell me you didn't get into that?"

"Why not?" Harry rolled his eyes. The Zack poster was one thing, a nifty little laugh, but the whole musical?

**(whistle)**

"Man, I guess Quidditch would look like this without the magic."

"Oh! Ron how could you miss that?"

"Stupid Beater bats!"

"Yes I STOLE IT FROM POTTER!"

"Damn it!"

**Cho: That's half-time y'all.**

**Hedwig: Hoo Hoo Hoo, package for Harry Potter hoo!**

**Lucius: Hey you there, bird, what've you got there?**

**Hedwig: Urgent package sir for HP, have you seen him?**

**Lucius: Oh, I can sign for it, I'm a family friend.**

"Family friend? You dirty lying, filthy little…"

"Yo, buddy, you sound like Ferret Face right now." Harry stuck his tongue out.

**Hedwig: Oh thanks buddy, you're really helping me out.**

**Lucius: I'll make sure he gets it…not! Let's see, what've we got here? Oh, I hate to ruin Christmas Potter, but this is one package you won't be getting.**

**Hermione: Hey! That belongs to Harry Potter.**

"GO HERMIONE!"

**Lucius: So what if it does? What makes you think I'd give it to you?**

"Smartest witch of our age…"

"Hangs around with Harry Potter…"

"Smartest witch in the school…"

Hermione blushed at the praises.

**Oh! I know you. You're that filthy, little…**

**Hermione: Jelly-Legs Jinx!**

**Lucius: WHOA!**

"Yes, Hermione, you're brilliant!"

"You know by this point I guess I should be saying I know?"

"If you want, you should know by now."

**Remus: What the hell was that?! You guys are making me look like an idiot out there!**

"Not much help needed there Professor…"

**Dean: Yeah man, it's those Slytherin dudes. Their just too fast!**

**Neville: I give up!**

**Remus: No, NO. You are not allowed to give up.**

**Ron: I give up too!**

**Harry: I give up three.**

"Oh hell no, I never give up! It's Quidditch!"

"Don't worry Harry, it's all going to righted…I'm sure of it." Ginny soothed the two boys…though she herself was slightly panicking of even in a parody losing a match to Slytherin.

**Remus: Harry…**

**Harry: I'm sorry man. If I could catch up to those asshole Slytherins, for like maybe 2 seconds, maybe I could catch the Snitch but it's like Dean said, they're too fast.**

**Dean: Well I'm gonna go tell Madam Hooch that we quit.**

**Remus: Dean…(Sorry Coach)…Dean, please give us another chance.**

**Hermione: Guys wait! Dean, wait. Look, this package just came for Harry and trust me you're gonna wanna see what's inside.**

**Harry: Gather 'round chums.**

"Which broom do you think I'm getting?"

"I say it's the 2000."

"2001."

**Neville: Oh dear…**

**Seamus: Bloody tits!**

**Dean: I ain't seeing this!**

**Harry: What is it?**

"A broomstick Potter…"

**Ron: Harry, this is a Firebolt!**

"YES! Go Sirius!"

**Dean: The greatest present in all of kid-dom!**

**Seamus: That's the fastest broom in the world that is.**

**Ron: They say that when it takes off, even wizard god himself can't follow.**

"Must be pretty fast then…"

"I love it!"

**Remus: Uh, guys, I think we're still in this game. What do you say Dean?**

**Dean: Alright! (Yeah)**

**Remus: Yeah, we got Dean. Please Hermin, this is for us. Alright, team cheer on three ready?**

**Team: One-two-three…(various cheers)**

"So, no team cheer then?"

"Ron, Ginny, what is the team cheer?"

"Do It or Die!"

**Hermione: Good Luck Harry and uh, good luck to you too Ron. I think you're a really great Keeper. (hugs him) Okay, bye.**

**Ron: Bye…ow…bye…ow…ow…**

"Ewe, Ron please tell me that doesn't really happen?"

"Not that…" Ginny threw her hand over his mouth and Harry and Draco dissolved into laughter.

**Harry: Alright boys, let's go.**

"Bloody Death Eaters!"

**Harry: Hey, what, no way!**

"I completely agree. I wonder if it's possible to try something in the idea of this…"

"Let me guess…we're trying it?"

"Mind being there Hermione?"

**Harry: Huh, the Snitch!**

**Lucius: K-i-l-l h-i-m! K-i-l-l h-i-m!**

**Yaxley: Avada…ah! (Draco pushes him out of the way)**

"Malfoy just saved my life…who would have thought?"

"Believe it or not, I can be chivalrous."

"Still a Slytherin…"

**Harry: Uh, get out of here!**

**Draco: No.**

**Harry: Take this! (Hits Draco in the face)**

**Draco: …I'm bleeding!**

**Remus: H-a-r-r-y, c-a-t-c-h t-h-a-t S-n-i-t-c-h!**

**Rita: Harry Potter's caught the Snitch, Gryffindor wins.**

"YES!"

"WOHOO! FLY FLY GRYFFINDOR!"

"RON! This isn't a real match! Sit down!" Ron sat but he was still grinning like a maniac.

**(cheers and Remus being stupid and butt-trumpeting)**

**Team: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor!**

**Remus: Who looks stupid now, you do! (to Snape)**

**Snape: You'll rue this day Professor Lupin. Slythereens, retreat. (Slytherins exit)**

"Oh man, that's too good."

**Hermione: Harry you did it!**

**Remus: Three cheers for HP y'all.**

**Everyone: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!**

**Remus: Ah, Harry, Harry your dad would be so proud of you.**

"He really would be."

**But more importantly, his best friend is proud of you.**

**Harry: You mean Sirius Black?**

"He said he loved seeing me play, even though I fainted from the Dementors. He was in the stands during that match."

"Really, where?" Dumbledore didn't remember anything peculiar about that day except for the Dementors feeling his wrath…

"Yeah, in the abandoned stands at the top."

"Really good thing he was innocent then…"

**Remus: Ah ha, just being out here with all you kids makes me feel like a kid again.**

**Ron: Well, do you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Candy Bean?**

**Remus: Yeah! Sure, this really takes me back.**

**Rita: Well, if it isn't the man of the hour, Mr. Remus Lupin.**

**Remus: Yup.**

**Rita: Mr. Lupin, how does it feel to have coached the Gryffindor Team to their first win in fourteen years?**

**Remus: Well, let me just say that it hasn't been easy. I've had a lot of hard times. Some people have even tried to make me look like a fool. But it's moments like these (eats Bean) moments like these right here, that I just…blah. (cough/choke) What? (acts all crazy and sick) What is this? (heaves) It's getting worse! Why does it taste this way? (acts possessed) I JUST ATE SHIT!**

Everyone in the room burst into laughter. Remus' reaction to the Bean was way too much for them at this point. Harry and Ron were turning red in the face from lack of oxygen while Draco was gasping for breaths in between laughs. Ginny and Hermione were crying with their laughter, both of them clinging to each other. Dumbledore himself was chuckling heartily while Snape actually smiled at the screen, watching Lupin make a complete fool of himself.

**I just ate shit!**

**Ron: Ha ha ha, come on party in the Gryffindor Common Room!**

**Everybody: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! (leave)**

"Man do we through the best parties!"

"Really?"

"Oh my, you can hear them a few floors up and down…it's ridiculous and McGonagall typically needs to shut us up at 3 in the morning."

"How do you party for that long?"

"Easy…"

"Ron, no revealing our party secrets!"

**Lucius: No, no, no, no! Who knew the counter curse was just Unjellify?**

**Draco: Well, Daddy, looks like we lost. However, I do think I would've caught the Snitch if Yaxley hadn't…blundered…into my path but I think the most important thing here is I've had a lot of fun.**

**Lucius: (supported by Yaxley and Big Death Eater) How DDAAARRREEEE you! You couldn't stay out of the way for twenty minutes could you, you little poof. (pulls out wand) Why I ought to… (turns about and takes the drawing from Yaxley)**

**Draco: Oh that's mine… (Lucius crumples it and throws it at him)**

Hermione and Ginny awed but Harry looked a bit pitying to the Draco on screen. He could vaguely remember drawing a picture of the flying motorbike and giving it to his aunt, only for her to throw it in the blender and shred it to pieces, telling him he was not to draw or do anything else that required imagination then put him in his cupboard for the rest of the afternoon. Even now, he had trouble actually drawing things, always being reminded of those times of childhood when he had to be stupid because Dudley was only smarter than a rock.

**Lucius: You're not my son. (leaves dramatically)**

**Draco: This place has really gone to the dogs.**

"If it's any consolation Draco, you are worth more than him at this moment."

"Really Potter? How do you figure that?" Draco had been reminded of the disappointment he had been to his family for not being able to complete his task properly for killing Dumbledore and all the times he got in trouble for being more stupid than a Muggle-born.

"Yeah, because while family is important, if they give up on you, it's your friends that you fall back on and to them you will always be important if they are really your friends."

"Thanks Po…Harry."

"No problem Draco."

AN: I've updated this chapter (9/23) because I noticed I had given two reasons for Harry being a great Seeker. He's amazing because his grandfather had the natural talent for it and flying is just natural to the Potters in this context. I'm working on the next chapter now that my Chemistry is all caught up. =)


	15. Act 1 Scene 15

Act 1 Scene 15

**Hermione: Hello boys!**

"I think we are officially friends now, what do you think?"

"Hermione, you've been our friend since Halloween of First Year."

**Boys: Hey Hermione. **

**Hermione: Um well I'm heading home for the winter holiday for a few weeks but, um, before I go I wanted to, just wanted to give this to you guys.**

"What did we get?"

"A book of some sort."

**Happy Christmas.**

**Ron: I wonder what it is.**

**Harry: I wonder what this could be. I hope it's a puppy.**

"Hm…"

"Please Harry Please?" Ginny gave him big puppy-dog eyes and he nodded.

"Whatever you want Gin."

**Boys: Puppy, puppy…**

**Harry: A book?**

**Hermione: Yeah.**

**Harry: Gross, Happy Christmas Ron…**

**Ron: Yeah whatever… (throws book to ground)**

**Hermione: No wait! It's not just any book. It's a scrapbook. I made it of all of our memories of our first semester at Hogwarts.**

Harry smiled at that, thinking of the photo album he had from Hagrid that Remus and Sirius had added to over the years. He even had Colin take photos for him at various moments for the book as well.

**See, here's the tickets from the Hogwarts Express…and here is a clipping from the Profit about that Quidditch game you guys won.**

"We should make a Hogwarts Times or something…you know, like a school paper that all the kids and professors can use to see what's going on at Hogwarts."

"I like it."

"Not a bad idea there Hermione, when we get back I might look into it for you a bit."

"Thanks Professor!"

**Harry: Oh yeah, -Remus Lupin Eats Shit, Gryffindor Wins-.**

**Ron: Hey, Merry Christmas.**

**Harry: Merry Christmas.**

"A bit together there boys?" Ron and Harry were blushing and glaring at the screen while Hermione and Ginny were giggling.

**Ron: Hey Hermione, why is there a clipping in here from the Profit about Sirius Black?**

**Hermione: 'Cause they mentioned Harry in it.**

**Ron: Oh! Um, oh –Before his escape from Azkaban, Sirius Black went on the record saying "I want to find Harry Potter" (that's you) "and I want to drug and kill him."-.**

**Hermione: Are you nervous Harry?**

"Nope, even when I thought he was guilty, still beat him back."

"True, though for a scrawny little git, you are strong."

"And fast, I hate it when you take off; it's like trying to catch Crookshanks."

"What can I say?" Gotta stay in shape…"

**He is a murderer.**

**Harry: Not really, I mean, I live at Hogwarts and it's an impenetrable fortress. I don't think any of us have to worry over about…**

**Snape: SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! Oh, checkmate…SIRIUS BLACK!**

"Now Severus, is that anyway to warn the children?"

"Albus…"

**Dumbledore: What about him?**

**Snape: He was spotted by the paintings on the Third Floor. The dogs playing poker peed on the carpet. The screaming men said he had never looked more terrifying. It took the entire Last Supper to calm him down. Sirius Black, has broken into our castle.**

**Everyone: AH! (Snape jumped into Ron's arms)**

"I'll protect you from the bad doggy Professor."

"Weasley, I can still poison you…"

"Bezoar!"

"Potter, I'm a Potions Master, I know what the bezoar doesn't cure…"

"Hermione!"

**Dumbledore: Hey! Quit it! Quit it! When you yell it only makes Sirius want to kill you faster!**

"Uh huh, sure it does…"

"His mother…"

"Agreed."

**Now, Prefects escort these kiddies to their dorms and tuck them in. The teachers and I will search the entire castle for Sirius Black.**

"Tuck us in?"

"I think I'd rather punch Percy in the face."

"Definitely."

**Harry: Sirius Black…Sirius Black, that bastard. I'm gonna find him and I'm going to throw everything I know at him. I'm talking about **_**Lumos, Alohamora, and Jelly-Legs Jinx.**_** Everything…**

"Not the most impressive repertoire is it?"

"Harry it's past pathetic."

**Hermione: But Harry, you're better than that!**

**Harry: Ah, JELLY LEGS JINX!**

**Ron: Whoa!**

**Hermione: Harry, that almost hit me!**

"Hell, I remember that temper well. Be glad that his aim was off with Pettigrew because Harry's spells hurt when they hit."

**Harry: I'M IN A RAGE!**

"Never would have guessed."

"Draco, I will tell you now, his temper makes the Dark Lord look like a puppy. If I had to face one or the other, I'd pick him." Draco look horrified.

"Voldemort can only cause pain and kill. Harry, when he's angry, will tear your entire soul down until you're so open and vulnerable, spells aren't needed."

"Can we stop talking about me like I'm a monster please?"

"Sure…no problem…"

**THIS IS THE MADDEST I'VE EVER BEEN! That Sirius Black took everything away from me; my parents, my whole life, everything! I'm gonna find him, with this.**

"You know, it did find him in the end."

"If you call attacking the rat and accidently breaking Ron's leg and then all else that happened finding him, then yeah, it did."

**The Marauder's Map, let's go. (They follow).**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la…la, la, la, la, la, la…**

**Harry: Okay, I think Sirius is in here but I could be wrong. This is a very complicated schematic.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Hermione: I don't know about this Harry. This room is really forbidden.**

**Ron: Harry, I'm frightened.**

"Why is that music so pretty and mysterious?"

"It probably is foreshadowing a new song."

**Harry: Wait, do you hear that?**

**Hermione: Hear what?**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

"Oh my…the Mirror of Erised. Those are their renditions of my parents…" Harry could vididly recall what the mirror showed him and then the contradiction and horror of what Voldemort and the Dementors showed him.

**Harry: (singing) I know you. I've seen you in a dream an old familiar scene, from somewhere. You know me. There's a glowing in your eyes I know and recognize from somewhere. Those voices, singing out, la-la-la-la-la.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Together: La, la, la, la, la.**

"That was just like how it was too. I had never seen my parents until that mirror, nor the rest of my family. They looked so happy and yet so sad because in that mirror, they were seeing me and yet we couldn't touch or talk." Hermione and Ginny hugged Harry as they watched this scene, a reminder of what Voldemort had really taken away from them.

**Harry: Who are these people? Can't you see them?**

**Ron: No, all I see is myself and I'm inside Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Hermione's turning into a blueberry and I'm eating her.**

**Hermione: I see myself turning into Cho Chang, yo.**

**Harry: What is this thing?**

**Sirius: That is the Mirror of Erised Harry. It shows nothing more or less than most desperate and deepest desires of your heart. Those are your parents Harry.**

**Hermione: Harry, Harry that's Sirius Black!**

**Ron: Take this you bastard, **_**Alohamora!**_

"Really Ron?"

"He's not a lock. Thought to be honest, it would be funny if it unlocked something on you like a belt or something."

**Sirius: Kids…**

**Hermione: **_**Jelly-Legs Jinx!**_

**Sirius: Unjellify!**

**Hermione: Oh, Harry, he's too much for us!**

**Harry: I've got one more thing…**_**Lumos!**_

"That is even worse than Weasley's spell. At least Granger actually said something that made sense!"

"I'll have you know that the first time I met Sirius, I tackled him to the ground and almost knocked him out."

"Really?"

"Yup, almost killed him too."

**Sirius: Expelliarmous! Harry, just let me explain.**

**Harry: What do you want to explain? How you betrayed my parents and killed them?**

**Sirius: No! I didn't betray your parents and I never killed anybody. I was framed. I loved your parents Harry. Your dad was my best friend.**

**Harry: Why should I believe you?**

**Sirius: 'Cause Harry, when I look in that mirror, I see them too. (singing) I see them. They were people that I loved. You were barely old enough to be there but I know you. You have your mother's eyes beneath your dad's untidy dark hair. Those voices, ringing out, la-la-la-la-la.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Together: La, la, la, la, la.**

**Sirius: And I would never do anything that could hurt you. They were both my family. You're all that's left of what I knew. You must know somewhere it's true. Do you understand me?**

**Harry: Yeah, I do.**

**Together: Those voices, reaching out, la-la-la-la-la.**

**Voice: La, la, la, la, la.**

**All Three: La, la, la, la, la. La…**

"Now Sirius is a good guy!"

"Next video?"

"YES!"


	16. Petition

The administrators of are as of June 4th going to be taking down Fics that have lemons or have extreme violence. Now I don't know about you but I think thats stupid. There are many wonderful fics that only have one or two lemons in them yet the plot itself is awesome! You can't just take down a 100,000+ word fic just because it has a lemon in a chapter that is only 1000 words long. Now I urge you all to read the petition below, sign it, and repost this to your own fics. Hopefully if we make enough noise everything will return to normal. Thank you.

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

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	17. Act 1 Scene 16 and AN

Act 1 Scene 16

**Sirius: Harry, it seems so unfair that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily and you so little.**

**Hermione: I don't know Harry. Can we really trust Sirius Black?**

**Ron: Yeah, what about that Daily Prophet article where you went on the record saying you wanted to find Harry and you wanted to drug and kill him?**

**Sirius: That's a lie! I was magically misquoted by that dumbass Rita Skeeter. What I actually said was I want to hug and kiss him.**

"Ah hell, I can't blame him for wanting to do that." Ginny laughed at the horror on Harry's face.

"Remember Harry, you were eighteen months old, of course he would want to. To him you were just a little baby who had been dealt a horrible fate."

"I guess I can forgive him….nope never mind."

**Harry: I believe him guys. He saw my parents in the mirror and well, you can't fake that.**

**Sirius: Nope.**

"You can fake saying what you see though." Harry eyed Dumbledore and the old man just looked up and smiled serenely.

**Ron & Hermione: -shrug- Okay.**

"Doesn't take much for you guys to trust once Potter does, does it?"

"Well, Malfoy, as Harry has the best judge of character and he hasn't been wrong yet, yeah, we do."

"Besides, in reality, there was a lot more to this than just that."

**Ron: What are you doing here Sirius?**

**Hermione: Yeah if you don't wanna kill Harry then what's the point of coming to Hogwarts at all?**

The four Gryffindors looked at each other, scowling, before all saying, "The rat."

**Sirius: Well, while I was rotting away in my prison cell in Azkaban, I uh received a package and attached to it was this note. It reads, "Dear Sirius Black, Enclosed is a tool you can use to escape Azkaban and sneak into Hogwarts. Please hurry, Harry Potter is in grave danger. Signed, Little D."**

"Dumbledore signs his Big D. Who is Little D?"

"No idea Hermione, you tell us when you figure it out."

**Hermione: Little D? Little Dumbledore!**

**Sirius: My thoughts exactly! It was nice to know that the old man still believed in me. But anyway, I opened the package and inside I found this.**

**Hermione: -gasp- **

**Ron: Woo.**

**Sirius: It's your father's old Invisibility Cloak. Ha, ha, we used it to play jokes on Snape.**

"Understatement of the century there Black."

"A few harmless pranks Professor, you could have just started a prank war like we did with Fred and George instead of becoming all angsty and miserable." Snape glared at the Potter brat but he did so because he was technically right.

**Ha, and we would solve mysteries and shit. Your dad wanted you to have this when you were old enough.**

**Harry: Wow, thanks. Hey Ron, am I invisible?**

The kids laughed at the absurdity of throwing the red veil over his head to be invisible.

**Ron: Who said that?**

Everyone was laughing now (excluding the Potions Bat) because it was too perfect. Fake Ron's face was too priceless.

**Harry: Sirius, I don't think I'm in any kind of grave danger.**

**Sirius: **_**Who said that?**_

"Possessed much there Sirius?"

**Ah, Harry, Jesus.**

"I'm so trying that."

**You looked like you were in danger during that Quidditch match. It's a good thing that my package made it to you on time. You really put it to good use.**

**Harry: You sent the Firebolt.**

"He really did and I love it."

"Your blasted mutt got it for you?"

"Yup, as a way to try and make up for twelve years of missed holidays and birthdays. Having him back was enough on his own."

**Sirius: Sure did.**

**Hermione: Harry, Harry, on the map someone's coming!**

**Sirius: Quick, get under the Cloak. If you guys are seen helping me you'll all be in really big trouble.**

**Harry: No-no-no-no, but if they find you they will send you back to Azkaban.**

**Sirius: It's fine. It was all worth it as long as you know the truth.**

"Hermione, stop panicking would yah?"

"Like I'm doing it Harry."

**Now quick, get under the Cloak.**

**Harry: No-no-no-no!**

**Snape: **_**Alohamora! **_**What the devil is going on here?**

"Catch phrase, you should use it more Professor."

**Harry: Nothing?**

**Snape: Lies! You can't just do nothing. You must be here for something...or for someone! Do you know what the penalty for aiding a fugitive? I'll see you all expelled.**

**Hermione: NO, we weren't doing anything.**

**Snape: Shut up Potter!**

"Really?"

"Why not, he tortures anyways."

"True."

**You're arrogance is insufferable, just like your deadbeat father.**

"My father was not a deadbeat. Would you have told Lily to take me and run then attempt to hold Voldemort off without a wand?" Snape looked shocked at that as he was glared at.

"No wand?"

"Voldemort blasted into our home and luckily Mum was already heading upstairs with me for bed. He jumped into the hallway and tried to fight him with no wand while she barricaded the nursery and she also had no wand on her." Snape felt his heart break a bit more. Neither Potter nor Lily had a wand on them when they died?

**And like him it's going to get you killed. Now until I find Black, I'm going to make your life miserable. You'd wish you were expelled!**

"No need."

**Sirius: Leave him alone, you butt-trumpet! (does butt trumpet dance)**

**Snape: That doesn't sound anything like my butt. **_**Expelliarmous! **_**Sirius Black, I was hoping I would be the one to find you.**

**Sirius: Well, you did so leave the kids out of this.**

**Harry: He's innocent!**

**Snape: I'll be the judge of that Potter.**

"I believe he told you then to go play with your chemistry set."

"Then you were knocked out by three teenagers and woke up to a werewolf attacking."

**Sirius: After all these years, you're still a no-good wiener jacket. You just can't stand that she picked James over you.**

Snape glared hotly at the screen. _I regret that fifth year with all my might!_

**Snape: Give me a reason, give me a reason and I swear I'll do it.**

**Hermione: I wish Dumbledore were here.**

**Dumbledore: I am here Night Troll.**

"Hmm, I think I like this version a bit better right now."

"Agreed, none of us are injured and no Dementors or werewolf."

**Umbridge: SO AM I! Sirius Black, oh I've been looking for you for a long time.**

"You know, that will be in the history books: Man Who Escaped From Azkaban Never Found."

**Snape: He broke into the castle using this.**

**Umbridge: What the hell is Potter doing here?**

**Snape: Nothing important. I've think Black was Confunded the children.**

**Umbridge: Huh, maybe you're the one that's been Confunded Snape. Look at the name on the tag: Potter. –punches Sirius- (**All kids: Ouch) ** I knew you were guilty from the moment I laid my eyes on you three little terds and now you and your loser friends are going to come with me to Azkaban! (They scream and fight)**

"Ha, like it would keep us for long."

"Without wands Ron?"

"We are known for doing the impossible and Harry will survive actually rise form the dead so why not?"

**Dumbledore: No stop, this is impossible. Harry didn't help Sirius break in because, because I did.**

**Snape: Headmaster, how could you let this criminal into the castle?**

**Scarf: Especially in that outfit?**

"Prison garb should be the new fashion."

"I won't buy it."

**Dumbledore: Scarfy, my reasons are my own.**

**Umbridge: Oh this is just too good. I told you I was going to destroy you Dumbledore and now you're dead. Unless…**

**Dumbledore: Unless what?**

"EW! She's going to bribe with a relationship!" Harry and Ron fake barfed while the girls looked green and Draco was too far gone laughing.

**Umbridge: I'll make you a deal Dumbledore. You can either kiss the Dementors or you can kiss Umbridge.**

"GROSS!"

**Harry & Ron: No!**

**Hermione: No, don't do it!**

**Sirius: No, I'm not worth it!**

**Dumbledore: I choose… (sees him) I choose neither!**

"WOHOO! GO DUMBLEDORE!"

**Snape, it's time to show where your true loyalties lie. Take care of the children for me.**

**Scarf: Well, looks like we're out, again.**

**Dumbledore: Disapparate.**

**Everyone: Ah, magic.**

"I liked the real one better."

"The real one?"

"Last year, Dumbledore took the blame for our Defense group and he ended up stunning everyone but me and then disappearing in a flash of fire as everyone roused with Fawkes."

"Didn't you tell us also that Shacklebolt said, -You may not like him Minister but Dumbledore's got style.-?" They smiled at that and the said man chuckled.

**Umbridge: What! Where did he go?**

**Snape: He Disapparated.**

**Umbridge: That's bullshit Snape. You can't Disapparate inside Hogwarts, right?**

**Radom Guy: Right.**

**Umbridge: Right.**

"Gotta love audiences, they are so great."

"Perfect timing for sure."

**Damn it! –kicks Hermione in face-**

Ron and Harry glared at the pink witch while Hermione looked appalled.

**You got lucky Potter but I know you're guilty too and I'm gonna get all of you. Because with Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the Headmaster now?**

**Snape: Me?**

**Ron: Snape?**

**Umbridge: No me, your momma, Umbridge! And from now on we're gonna be doing things around here my way! We're gonna be doing things the Umbridge way!**

**(Kids and Sirius run from Umbridge. Snape steps forward, sees Lily in the mirror then leaves as well.)**

"Oh my, that was one long act. I say we take a break here and then come back for the second half. It's gonna get harsher now since we all know Umbridge was such a tyrant."

"Hermione, don't insult tyrants."

AN: Act 1 is officially finished! Sorry for the long time between updates but between getting a job, quitting said job, traveling, having no internet for a week, and house sitting, it's been a bit crazy but we are getting there! Hopefully you all still have faith in me because I never leave a story unfinished and I won't start now.


	18. Act 2 Scene 1 and AN

Act 2 Scene 1

Dumbledore surprised everyone by making a very nice, yet extremely _sweet_ lunch that consisted of candied carrots, sweet potatoes, and sweet ham sandwiches. Snape looked like he was going to vomit just from the look of the food alone, let alone the unending sweetness from the candy-addicted Headmaster. Draco finished early and after putting his dish in the sink, he wondered out to the TV and noticed that he could click on the different videos. Hermione and Harry wondered out and then Hermione started humming under her breath, Harry catching the tune and twirled her around in a dance. Ron and Ginny laughed at the randomness of their friends while Snape looked disgusted.

"Are you done being children so we can finish this musical before we are forced from here because of being immature morons?"

"Now Severus, they were just having fun and I quite enjoyed the show." Dumbledore fiddled with the screen and finally got the video back to Act 2, Scene 1.

**Snape: Educational Decree Number 28: By order of the Ministry of Magic, Dolores Jane Umbridge shall replace Albus Dumbledore as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Teachers are hereby forbidden from giving out any information not strictly related to subject they are paid to teach. All student teams, societies, clubs and activities are henceforth disbanded. This is bullshit.**

"I agree with the cool Snape, that is complete crap! It's like Hogwarts is a military camp or something."

**Seamus: Bloody Bitch! Dean, get a load of this month's Daily Prophet.**

**Dean: Albus Dumbledore named Public Enemy Number One after it was discovered he had been aiding dangerous fugitive, Sirius Black. Dolores Jane Umbridge has now been appointed Headmaster of Hogwarts to bring order to the school and repair the curriculum.**

**Seamus: Repair the curriculum? Is that what she calls ruling the whole bloody school?**

"She didn't repair anything. She destroyed what that school stands for and represents!"

"Bloody bitch!"

"Language Weasley!"

**Cho: Are y'all talking about the horrible things that are going on here since Umbridge was named Headmaster?**

"Poor Cho, brought off her pedestal."

**It's awful, it's just awful.**

**Dean: Damn straight.**

**Seamus: Yeah, she's cancelled Quidditch, got rid of the trips to Hogsmeade, got rid of Peeves, painted over the paintings and now she's got the Ghostbusters breathing down Nearly Headless Nick's nearly headless neck.**

"Wow, they just went there."

"Who you gonna call Hermione?"

"Shut it you!"

**Cho: Not to mention she has cancelled the annual Valentine's Day Feeler Up Dance and replaced it with a nasty old abstinence rally.**

"I want one of those dances!"

"We agree!" Draco, Ron, and Ginny grinned but Harry looked appalled at the idea but Hermione was thoughtful.

"We should have an abstinence rally or a sexual education thing since I doubt anyone has ever seen what really goes on the fifth and up years."

"I want the Valentine's Day dance. Just one day where all rules of society are just non-existent and everyone can just be them and do what they please."

"And you want to feel Potter up in public so the rest of his fan club know he's yours."

"That's beside the point Malfoy…"

"We are not having a sexual dance children."

"Okay Professor." Draco and Ron grumbled but Harry relaxed as this wasn't actually going to happen.

**How am I supposed to stay abstinent when I've got a reputation to maintain? Professor Flitwick is going to fail me now.**

"EW!"

"Really? Charms?"

"That's just wrong on so many levels!"

**I just wanna die!**

**Neville: Yeah and everyone takes their frustrations out on me!**

**Goyle: AH!**

**Crabbe: Calm down friend.**

**Goyle: NO ONE GIVES GOYLA DETENTION! ME HATE UMBRIDGE!**

**Seamus: You guys hate Umbridge too? I thought you guys would've got along seeing as she's a bitch you guys are dicks.**

**Students: Yeah, yup.**

"They did. Inquisitorial Squad, all Slytherin and all horrible at catching the DA and the one they did catch was the one who got off on everything."

"Sounds about right…"

**Crabbe: That's what we were hoping for but no such luck.**

**Goyle: Well you know what I think? I think I need some chamomile before my slumber.**

"I should try that sometime…"

"What, drug your friends to be calmer?"

"Yup and it won't react like a potion does and be subtle about it."

"Hermione, you're not going to drug Harry with tea."

**Neville: That was…too close for comfort.**

**Harry: Ah, come on who made Cho cry? What is that? I don't even care who did it. You're gonna die Shlongbottom!**

**Neville: Hey!**

"Ah, poor Neville, he really isn't getting off is he?"

"Nope."

**Hermione: Stop! Look guys I know that things are getting bad around here but we can't turn on each other. That's exactly what Umbridge wants. She wants us to eat each other to survive.**

"Harry first then."

"What why me?"

"You're a skinny git that, once Hermione summoned your wand, would be taken down easily for consumption."

"Thanks Ron, you're my best mate too."

"No problem Dinner."

"I can still out run you."

"Damn…"

**Harry: Dean, let me see that Prophet.**

**Dean: Sure thang HP.**

**Harry: Uh, this so bogus. Look at this: dangerous criminal Sirius Black apprehended. He is currently held at Hogwarts where he waits his sentencing to which Dolores Umbridge recommends the maximum sentence; the Dementor's Kiss.**

**Ron: That's rough buddy, what are we going to do?**

"Go back in time, save a hippogriff from under the Ministry's noses, fight a werewolf, fight off a hundred Dementors and then help said criminal escape on the stolen hippogriff until he is hiding in Greece."

"I think that sums it up nicely."

"Back in time really?"

"Yup."

**Harry: There's nothing we can do. The only other person who knows that he's innocent is Dumbledore and he's on the run too.**

**Ron: Wow, we're in a real puzzle. Red Vine?**

"You and your stomach Ron."

"I have another bag of them."

"Sweet!" The three boys started to gnaw on the licorice-like candy with great pleasure.

**Harry: For the first time in my life, I don't want one.**

"WHAT? HARRY, how could you?"

"I want one now!"

"Fine, but I better never here those words again."

**Ron: Harry, uh, you can't mean that. Um, here just open up and I'll put it in…**

**Harry: I don't want a Red Vine! Okay? I don't want one.**

Ron and Draco glared at the black-haired wizard and he was glaring back.

"If you even think about it, I'll tell everyone what your underwear is Malfoy and Ron, I know all your dirty secrets…tap dancing…"

"OKAY! WE PROMISE TO LET YOU HAVE THEM!"

"Do we want to know?"

"No, Hermione, we don't."

**Hermione: I'll take it Ron. We best leave Harry alone.**

**Remus: Alright gang, I'll ignore that some of you were late if you ignore that I'm the latest.**

"Bad joke Remus, bad joke."

**What the hell? Why didn't you guys laugh at my joke? What's going on here, why all the long faces?**

**Dean: Man it's Umbridge.**

**Cho: She is ruining our lives.**

**Ron: And Hogwarts.**

**Seamus: It's not a school, it's a bloomin' prison.**

**Neville: Like Azkaban.**

**Harry: Yeah and she's the Dementor sucking out my soul.**

"Not a bad description of that time in our lives."

"Very accurate actually…"

**Remus: I see. Well, tell you what, if guys think that this place is like Azkaban and you're worried about Dementors, why don't teach you a spell that can ward them off. It's called a Patronus.**

**Hermione: But, uh, Professor the Patronus is a very advanced spell and we're just first years.**

**Remus: Ah bullshit (Ah!) I mean bologna. It's easy okay? They only thing you need to make a Patronus is a wonderful thought.**

**Students: Any happy little thought?**

Hermione and Harry burst out laughing at the actors.

"You can fly."

"You can fly."

"We can fly!"

"All you need is a happy little thought and a pinch of pixie dust."

"How do you guys know these things?"

"It's from Peter Pan. To fly all one needed was a happy thought and a pinch of pixie dust."

"Oh, that's weird."

"It was a kid's movie."

"Ah."

**Remus: Not just any happy thought, alright? Dementors live off fear and misery so in order to beat them you gotta have something that's stronger than they are. The happy thought has gotta be something that when you think about it, you can't help but cheer up. So come on guys, what makes you happiest? Cho?**

**Cho: Um, ah, well…**

**Remus: Hey it can be a memory, a person, a fantasy, anything. Just as long as the emotion is real.**

**Cho: I'll pretend that I'm at the Valentine's Day Feeler Up Dance and all the boys can't keep their hands off me.**

"She is really laying it on thick isn't she?"

"Yup."

**Remus: Good…hey, who knows maybe that's uh, that's a thought we can make happen. I'm kidding…**

"Man, Remus is a perve in this."

"Like we're any better?"

"True."

**Or am I? You decide…and let me know. Neville, what do you got?**

**Neville: I think I'll be an Indian Brave.**

**Remus: Sounds good. Hey Ron, what are you thinking about, maybe a snack or a frumpy little girl.**

**Ron: No…NO!**

"Ah, I didn't know you guys liked each other in first year!"

"We didn't…I didn't notice Hermione like that until third year."

"Mine was fifth, when I stopped denying it."

**No, I'm thinking about Harry.**

**Harry: Ah cool I was thinking about me too.**

"I was thinking about you too Harry."

"I was thinking about my first corporal Patronus memory."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Mind sharing?"

"A secret…"

**Remus: Okay guys, good work. Alright, now that you've got your happy thoughts you've got to hold on to it okay?**

"Uh, Ron, he didn't mean literally…"

"Good thing I'm not hugging you right now then."

"I would probably freak out on you."

**And say the magic words – **_**Expecto Patronum. **_**Right? Now watch me.**

**Hermione: Uh Professor, what will you think of?**

**Remus: I'm gonna think of the man who considered me to be his best friend.**

"That's so sweet."

**Ron: Hagrid, that's a good one.**

"Way to ruin the moment." Ron just blushed while the others laughed.

**Remus: No, it's not Hagrid. –It's not Hagrid– **_**Expecto Pa…**_

**Umbridge: Hold on. What the spell is going on here?**

"Bloody toad, always getting in the way."

**Remus Lupin, sounds like you were about to teach this bunch of childrens a Patronus. Snape! Tell me Snape, is the Patronus even on the curriculum for chubby little first years?**

"She did not just call us chubby."

"None of us are really fat anyways."

"Nope, only Neville, Crabbe, Goyle, and like two others were round."

**Snape: Why no.**

**Umbridge: Is that so?**

**Remus: What do you want Umbridge?**

**Umbridge: Well, I was just walking around the school…**

"Looking for a Portable Swamp to rest in…"

**Observing teachers in the classroom environments and I heard some pretty terrible accusations about you, Remus.**

"Yup, he's competent…"

"Knowledgeable…"

"Helpful…"

"Hands-on…"

"Kind and caring…"

"Shut it you brats so we can continue!" Snape was getting annoyed with the five teenagers always interrupting the musical.

**Remus: Cho, I said I was joking!**

"Bad thoughts!"

**Umbridge: I heard that you don't even use the proper textbook in your daily lessons.**

**Remus: Umbridge, that textbook is like a thousand years old! It still refers to Dementors as ringwraiths.**

Everyone looked confused at the reference, except Hermione.

"Um, Hermione, mind explaining that?"

"It's from a book series, something called Lord of the Rings I think."

"If you say so."

"What are they?"

"Never read the series since I found it after I joined Hogwarts and didn't feel like reading fiction magic when I studied real magic."

**Umbridge: So, you're smarter than whoever wrote this book? (No.) You're smarter than Merlin?**

**Remus: No.**

**Umbridge: I don't approve of your hands-on approach in the classroom Remus.**

**Remus: Again Cho, I was joking!**

**Umbridge: And then there's that Daily Prophet article that said that you eat shit?**

**Remus: That was a candy bean that tasted of shit! (Ah!) I mean poopy, guys please!**

"Why can everyone else swear at us but Remus?"

"No idea to be honest."

"Rather him than that toad."

**Umbridge: Well, Remus, the point that I'm trying to make is that your ass is fired. (gasp)**

"She did not just fire the only competent teacher of that subject we have ever had!"

"I think that toad just did!"

"She is going down!"

**Remus: What?**

**Umbridge: Dumbledore may have taken pity on you because you're a worthless little piece of poo but there is no room in my school for a washed up little toilet turd like you. Now you get twenty minutes to get out of my castle.**

"What?"

"She did not?"

"You bloody obnoxious toad!"

"There's no room in Hogwarts for your pathetic existence!"

**Students Rebel.**

**Umbridge: Who disrespecting Umbridge? (students stop)**

**Neville: Bye Professor.**

**Cho: Too bad you were joking Professor. I could have been your greatest adventure.**

"Wow…that's just sick."

"It's even worse when you think about how we're eleven in this."

**Snape: Well, I'll get the door for you.**

**Remus: You must be happy now Snape.**

**Snape: Look at my face Remus, does it look happy to you? Lupin got fired, Lupin got fired.**

"What did you really do when he resigned?"

"Brewed some Felix Felicis and a bit of some obscure experiments that you have no need to know of."

**Remus: Stop, alright Snape! Listen, you win okay? Just take care of the kids for me and I'm sorry that we made fun of you for all those years.**

"Eh, after a while he probably deserved it."

"Not at first no…"

**Snape: Yes well, so am I.**

**Remus: Well, see yah.**

**Snape: Bye.**

"Wow, a bit anticlimactic ending huh?"

"Just a tad there, so load the next video to see how bad it will get for us!"

AN: Act 2 begins, leaving us only 13 more chapters of musical awesomeness. I'm working on them slowly as I am also practicing for marching band and mastering the piccolo. They are still coming though!


	19. Act 2 Scene 2

Act 2 Scene 2

**Umbridge: Now girls, now that we got rid of that no-good Lupin, guess who gets to be your new Defense Against eh Dark Arts teacher?**

**Snape: Me?**

**Ron? Snape?**

**Umbridge: No me, your Momma. –laugh-**

"Ugh, her idea of lessons was horrible! Who cares about the most basic of theory that we learned in FIRST YEAR?"

"Unfortunately we had no choice but to deal with Madam Umbridge last year."

"Though, Fred and George were telling us about some of the pranks they hadn't gotten around to because they left so early."

**And I'm gonna teach you real good with the help of this.**

"What?"

"No way!"

"That's abuse!"

**-Gasp-**

**Seamus: What is that?**

**Umbridge: Oh this? Well I like to call this "Mamma's Little Love Handle."**

"I wouldn't put it past her."

"Hermione, I'm the one person she utterly hates the most! I need no hints as to what she could have done to me!" Hermione looked apologetic but Ron cursed.

"I don't know which you think is worse mate, that horrible pink torture device or her using the Cruciatus on you."

"That! Crucio leaves no scars or reminders."

**I use it to give tough lovin' to all my children.**

"She is quite the abusive tyrant isn't she?"

"Professor, be glad you left when you did." Dumbledore, though knowing that this musical was a parody, felt sick thinking she had run of the children for so long.

**You childrens are gonna learn your lessons twice as fast with the help of Momma's Little Love Handle!**

**Hermione: STOP! You can't do that, it's abuse. Why if you hurt anyone I'll, I'll…**

**Umbridge: You'll what?**

"Thank you Severus for protecting the students."

"Even I don't condone corporeal abuse on those brats. They need hard-work and labor but not that." Harry had to agree, even years later, the partial abuse at Dudley's and Vernon's hands was still fresh in his mind.

"Good job Hermione and thanks for the save but now Harry is going to jump in and save you."

"I would if this was last year but I don't know about myself now in the musical though…"

"I appreciate the sentiment all the same."

"Where am I through this whole thing?"

"No clue Malfoy…"

**Hermione: I'll tell the Wizard Cops and you'll be fired! AH!**

"That was too close." Ron had gripped Hermione closer to him and Harry was glaring at the screen. Parody or not, no one dared to hurt his friends and got away with it.

**Umbridge: You know what? You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.**

"WHAT?" The entire room was completely thrown from the apology.

**I'm sorry. You know what I think? I think that maybe you should be the Headmaster.**

"She would so a better job than you!"

"She's a million times the woman you'll ever be!"

**Is that what you think? You wanna be in charge? You wanna be a momma?**

"I'll hex her into the next country if I have to!"

**You want my job?**

**Hermione: No, I'm just a little girl. –head is grabbed-**

"YOU DID NOT JUST GRAB HER!" Ron, Ginny, and Harry were furious, even Draco was pissed at what that toad was doing.

"Remind me when we get back Severus, to get her eliminated from our society immediately with any means necessary." Snape nodded at Albus, thinking the same thing and even the Dark Lord would be happy to have her gone.

**Umbridge: I don't like you Granger! I don't like the way that you don't like yourself.**

"My self-confidence is perfectly in-tact."

**You know what I see when I look at you, I see myself at your age.**

**Hermione: Ugh! God!**

**Umbridge: Pathetic…Lonely…**

**Hermione: Ugly!**

**Umbridge: You calling me ugly girl?**

"You are the most beautiful, intelligent, kindest witch to ever be born Hermione Jean Granger and don't you forget it!"

"Thank you Ginny."

"Umbridge is just jealous that you have friends and values whereas she's a miserable, old, pathetic waste of humanity."

**Hermione: NO!**

**Umbridge: You're the one that's ugly! You're the one that's ugly, not me! Not me! I'm gonna help you girl. I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna suck you right up into my womb and I'm gonna spit you back out and you're gonna be a red-hot titanium baby with diamond teeth but before I can recreate you, I must destroy you.**

Ron and Harry were beyond angry and livid to pure murder gleaming in their eyes in defense of their friend/girlfriend. Hermione was horrified and disgusted by what was being said and Ginny was seething in revenge plans. Draco was in shock but Dumbledore was grateful for their magic being cancelled or things would be exploding right now.

**Now, lift up your skirt so your momma can love your bottom until it bleeds!**

**Ron: Leave her alone!**

**Seamus: Yeah, you old terd! -students rebel-**

"That's right, leave her alone or you'll answer to us!" Hermione smiled at Ron's defense of her in both cases. He really did care, always had but now it was more obvious.

**Umbridge: QUIET! Why you guys being so mean to me?**

**Snape: Alright, alright, that's enough. As much as I would like to see some of these bastards beaten (points to Harry)**

"I'm a bastard? You really don't wanna go there _Professor."_ Snape sneered but he agreed with Potter, he would rather infuriate and teach the brat manners but to be beaten would mean to relieve his childhood and fail Lily.

**It's against the rules. Besides, it's time for Potions class and I've made a fun lesson we can all enjoy. Come on everyone, let's go to the dungeons. Yay! –Yay!-**

**Umbridge: Fine, but this whole class gets detention. (Aw!)**

**Ron: Thanks Hermione!**

"Those bloody quills were torture." Harry squeezed the hand that had his scar on it. _I must not tell lies._ Ginny noticed the fist and rested closer to him. She hated that toad with as much hatred as she hated the Dark Lord.

**Umbridge: Oh, Potter, you hold up a second. I wanna have a word with you. Have you gotten any letters from Big D?**

**Harry: I don't even know who that is.**

**Umbridge: Don't toy with me boy, it's Dumbledore! I know you're helping Sirius Black and I know you're helping Dumbledore. So, I'm gonna ask you one time, where's he hiding?**

"Right under your nose you miserable hag and Sirius was innocent."

**Harry: I don't know. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell yah.**

**Umbridge: Well, you're just a Dumbledore man through-and-through aren't you?**

"And proud of it!"

**Harry: Yeah, that's right.**

**Umbridge: You think the school is bad now? I haven't even started.**

**Harry: I'm not afraid of you! You're a teacher, you can't hurt me.**

"Didn't stop her though did it?"

"Not when law enforcement is on her side."

**Do your worst.**

"Harry, really?"

"I might have said that once or twice…"

"Really Potter? Bravery and stupidity walk a fine line and you keep jumping it." Harry just sighed at Draco.

"Yeah but that jumping has saved the world from Voldemort three times, proved Sirius is innocent, and had the truth revealed about Voldemort last year not to mention making sure that most of us didn't fail our OWL in Defense."

**Umbridge: Oh I will. (breaks finger) See you in hell Harry Potter.**

"That was a challenge accepted."

**Harry: Lupin! Hey, Lupin…**

**Remus: Hey Harry…**

**Harry: Hey I'm sorry about you getting fired. You still had so much to teach us.**

**Remus: Oh, that's alright Harry, my last lesson was how to get yourself fired.**

**Harry: Geez, Lupin have you been drinking this whole past two minutes?**

**Remus: Yup. It's part of the lesson. Oh, that…damn it.**

**Harry: oh um, if it's any consolation, you were always my favorite teacher. I know that's probably why she fired me you little creep.**

"That hurts a bit…"

"Eh, he's not really a drunk or this stupid so I can forgive him."

**Ah, Harry, sorry it's not your fault, probably everybody's favorite teacher. **_**Alohamora.**_

"Really, he shouldn't be drinking like that!"

"Eh, it's just probably water Hermione….they are acting."

**Harry: So Lupin, this place, this whole place has just gone to the dogs, what are we gonna do?**

**Remus: I don't know. Oh, you want me to say something. Um, the important thing is that you always stick by your friends no matter what!**

**Harry: Well, maybe you should go visit your friend, Sirius Black and let him explain what's been going on…**

**Remus: No! No, listen, Sirius Black is not a friend. He's a traitor, alright? Well, my time's up hey.**

**Harry: Well, guess you can have this old thing back.**

**Remus: Thanks Harry, probably use it as a blanket or a house,**

"That's just sad what werewolves have to go through because everyone thinks they're vicious."

"It's no different than a woman going through her monthly and that lasts up to a week!"

"Well said Miss Weasley."

**Now that I'm unemployed and homeless.**

**Harry: You take care of yourself Lupin okay.**

**Remus: Hey Harry, hey Harry, hey you take care of yourself to okay? Oh yeah hey Harry, full moon coming up okay so stay indoors alright? Or I'll eat yah. (laugh) I'll eat yah! See yah!**

"Well, that was an oddly depressing and yet horrifying scene."

"I'm hoping they get back to being funny again."


	20. Act 2 Scene 3

Act 2 Scene 3

"She didn't!"

"No, where is Zac Efron?"

"She's a miserable old hag!" The teens laughed a little at how ridiculous they immediately became at seeing the office.

**Umbridge: This is my office now, Team Jacob Headquarters complete.**

"Who?"

"I'm not sure to be honest, I've never heard of Team Jacob but he is kinda cute though."

_Team Jacob is based off another series of books, known as the Twilight Saga. Jacob is a shape shifter, human-to-wolf and back again at will. His "competition" is Team Edward, a vampire who's breed is immune to almost all previously known ways of destroying them. It's from my universe but that is the general idea, though the teams come from both Edward and Jacob being in love with the same young woman, Bella, who is fully human._

"Well, that clears that up a bit. He's part of a supernatural romance."

"Still, Zac Efron is so better than that!"

"Why?"

"Because Zefron is Dumbledore!"

**Tell me Sorting Hat, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?**

**Hat: I'm Team Dumbledore!**

**Umbridge: What? Dumbledore ain't a fictional character.**

"Ha! To them he is but not from the same series. I'm with the Sorting Hat, TEAM DUMBLEDORE!"

**You know what, you old hat you old hat, you know what I'm gonna do with you? I'm gonna stick you in an old hat box 'cause that's what you do with an old hat!**

**Hat: No, NO, NO! Tell Scarfy I love him!**

**Umbridge: Oh I will…not.**

"Poor enchanted garments, they just can't get a break."

**Gosh, what a day. Being a momma sure is tough work isn't it Jacob, especially when all your childrens are just so misbehaving. Why do they gotta be so mean to their momma?**

"Because you're a sorry excuse for human kind?"

**I'm just trying to love them. Now Harry Potter, he's just the worse of them all. Playing that little guitar, making fun of his momma, just makes me so sad; so very-very-very sad and hungry. Oh, a cheesecake, I wonder where that came from?**

"What's going on?"

"She's having an epiphany I think and it won't bode well for you Harry."

"Great, more death threats and torture….why must Fate hate me so?"

**Oh that's right, it's from my induction ceremony as Headmaster of Hogwarts. But I thought I threw that away? I'm not allowed to eat cheesecake, just protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Well, I guess a little bite wouldn't hurt anybody.**

**Mom: Dolores.**

**Umbridge: Huh?**

**Mom: Dolores…**

**Umbridge: Who said that?**

"That's what we wanna know too!"

**Mom: Dolores Jane Umbridge…**

**Umbridge: Momma?**

**Mom: Dolores, you put down that cheese…cake.**

"Her mother?"

"That's just weird and creepy all at the same time."

**Umbridge: Momma, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead.**

"So did we!"

**Mom: Dolores, I came down from Heaven above to help you straighten out these chillin's.**

"Oh my…"

"I'm in for it aren't I?"

"Yup." All four teenagers agreed.

**Umbridge: What? I…I don't need your help. This is my house now, I don't want your help. I hate you!**

**Mom: Hate me? You're just like me.**

**Umbridge: I am nothing like you!**

"I can see the resemblance."

**I'm cool.**

**Mom: Oh yeah? Those little chillin's don't seem to think so. I heard that Harry Potter slander behind your back…**

"Dumbledore's Army was brilliant."

**That you were a chubby little fucker.**

"She is too."

**Umbridge: But I am a chubby little fucker!**

**Mom: Dolores, you listen to your momma now. Get up girl, get on up! Now the only way you're gonna fight these chillin's is with love. Do you love them enough to scold them?**

"Where is she going with this love thing?"

"I think I have an idea and I hope I'm wrong."

**Umbridge: Yes, I love them so much.**

**Mom: Do you love them enough to whack their bottoms?**

**Umbridge: Yes Momma, anything!**

**Mom: Do you love them enough to kill them?**

"What? She's going to kill us?"

"Not us Weasley, Potter, she's going to kill Potter."

"Why me?"

**Umbridge: Well, yes, I think I do.**

**Mom: Yup, that might straighten that Harry Potter out. He might even be better off.**

Hermione and Ginny grasped Harry's hands and glared at the two actors. It was bad enough that Voldemort and the Death Eaters wanted him dead and now they were throwing in a new contender?

"So glad that this is mostly fake, mate, or you would be the most wanted man in England."

"You mean he isn't yet?"

"True."

**Umbridge: Yeah, you're dead an you're just fine. Why didn't I think of that before?**

**Mom: Because it's crazy.**

**Umbridge: Yeah! Oo, uh oh, I'm crazy now, aren't I Momma?**

**Mom: I wouldn't be here if you wasn't.**

**Umbridge: But how do I kill the children? I don't want to hurt them.**

**Mom: Oh, there's lots of ways.**

"They are absolutely insane!"

"She can't kill me painlessly!"

**Umbridge: Yeah, you mean like with this ax I've been sharpening all day? I don't remember doing that but I must have.**

"So McGonagall was right about the axman except she was two years off."

"That's just weird."

**Yeah, I'll kill Harry Potter and then my boyfriend Dumbeldore is gonna see how powerful I am and then we'll probably get married!**

**Mom: That a girl Dolores. You make me some grandbabies and we'll straighten them out too.**

**Umbridge: Okay Momma, I will! Bye, I hate you! (crazy laughter)**

"How is she gonna get away with this?"

"How much darker are they gonna make this before it gets better?"

**Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

**Umbridge: Oh hey Snape.**

"Well, that was a short one, wanna just continue now?"

"Yup."


	21. Act 2 Scene 4

Act 2 Scene 4

**Snape: Why have you called me out of bed at this…where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?**

"Headmaster Zefron? Didn't see that coming."

"Nope, poor Zefron."

**Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.**

**Snape: What do you want you horrid bitch?**

"Yes! Go Snape, you tell her!"

"Potter are you really cheering for me?"

"Enemy of my enemy is my friend, Professor."

**Umbridge: Well Snape, it's Potter. I think he knows where Dumbledore's hiding and he's not telling me and there's this stupid rule that won't let me discipline the children. I just wish there was some way that I could get my boyfriend and kill Harry Potter.**

"Well, she's not subtle is she?"

"Of course, tell the person who hates Potter for the mere reason that he exists that you want to kill him."

**Snape: Are you suggesting that we kill a student?**

**Umbridge: Of course not Snape, that would be crazy.**

"You are crazy."

**We can't have crazy people running the school. But maybe if someone who also hated Harry Potter could get him for me…**

**Snape: Don't look at me.**

**Lucius: No, look at me.**

"Of course it's him."

**(dance)**

"AH hell, that's embarrassing but I wish he would do that because I would get a free laugh."

"That's what I was thinking."

**Umbridge: Lucius Malfoy, what are you doing here?**

**Lucius: I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and I wanted to know if you were interested in a role in the evil scheme I've just choreographed?**

"Really? Is this plot a play or a murder?"

**Umbridge: Well, what's the part?**

**Lucius: It's a meaty supporting villain role.**

**Umbridge: Go on.**

**Lucius: You say that you want to find Dumbledore and have unspeakable things happen to Harry Potter. Well, I can give you those things for a very small price.**

"Please say it's her soul."

"No, her voice."

"How about her magic?"

**Umbridge: I'm listening.**

**Lucius: First, you let my Death Eaters into Hogwarts. Our presence here must remain an absolute secret. Next, you lure Harry Potter someplace where I can have him **_**alone.**_** He must be **_**alone.**_

"I would prefer to have Hermione and Ron with me, wands blazing and you failing."

**That is of the upmost importance. I would have done this myself already if he went anywhere without that ginger and that filthy Mudblood girlfriend of his.**

"You stuck-up inbred idiot!"

**Umbridge: Fine. That takes care of Potter but what about Dumbledore?**

**Lucius: You say Potter knows where Dumbledore is hiding? Well, before I finish him off I'll use every torture imaginable to loosen his tongue.**

**Umbridge: Yeah, and then I get my boyfriend Dumbledore. He's probably out buying me presents, he's really sweet. I'm gonna find and crush that little criminal.**

**Lucius: Yes…and once you have Dumbledore Potter is mine!**

"How is she going to separate us?"

"The detention, she's going to make you go somewhere else while we are stuck on the other end of the castle so it'll be harder for us to save you."

"Not to mention, Death Eaters are notorious for their effective methods." Draco paled as he said this, having seen these methods first hand.

"Oh, I know." Harry thought back to Voldemort possessing him and the duel in the graveyard. He knew all too well.

**Umbridge: Fine, it's a deal.**

**Snape: Oh this all so illegal. If anyone were to report this sort of business to the Ministry, you both would go to Azkaban.**

**Umbridge: Well, that's why no one is going to report it, right Snape?**

"Do it just to spite them for something."

**Lucius: Come now Severus, you better than anyone know what kind of people the Potters are.**

"Oh, really? What makes the Potters worse than the Snapes?"

**Their arrogance knows no bounds. Something simply must be done about them for their will always be guys like Potter.**

Snape knew immediately where this was going. He internally cringed at what was going to be revealed to the students.

**(singing) There are so many douchebags in the world. Yes, so many douchebags get the girls. Who deserved more than absolutely anything that any charm or potion could ever bring?**

Snape felt his heart break and his muscles tighten as he imagined the real Lily Potter standing there form his memory. She had always been beautiful and perfect and he ruined it.

**But men like that, they have her on a string and they don't care.**

Snape remembered when Potter first introduced himself to them and glared. He had been well fed and clothed plus he was cocky and arrogant with Black. They had been friends from the start and he despised their easy-going, perfect lives but he had Lily and she hated them.

**For there will always be guys like Potter, to realize tears in your eyes because he got her. She'll never ever know how much you'd have brought her if you'd only done something more for the one back when you were young…**

_Oh, Lily, after all this time I still love you._ He saw Potter's eye, the exact shade and shape of hers, looking at the screen in confusion, he didn't know everything. Those eyes were his blessing and curse; he could always see her living on but they reminded him of what he lost being on James Potter's face.

**James: Hey, Sour Grapes, Expelliarmous – Impedimenta! So how'd the exam go, butt-trumpet?**

**Lily: Leave him alone!**

**James: Lily Evans…**

_This is almost how it went…when I lost her forever. _Snape knew Potter knew this memory and his friends seemed unsurprised by seeing it but they would know now that he loved her.

**Lily: What has poor Severus ever done to you Potter?**

**James: Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean?**

**Lily: You think you're funny James but you're not. You're just an arrogant, bullying douchebag.**

"I think your Mum just burned your Dad."

"I knew this though, they hated each other until seventh year."

_If I hadn't destroyed our friendship, she might not have ever married Potter._

**James: Uh, tell you what Evans, I'll leave Snape alone if you go on a date with me.**

**Lily: Ugh, you are such an asshole! It's so charming.**

"Well, that's not how that particular memory went exactly."

"Shut it Potter." Snape was feeling his heart break all over again. This was too personal.

**James: Cool, well I'll pick you up at eight then.**

**Lily: Okay.**

**James: We can hang out with my best friend, Sirius Black. You're lucky that Evans was here, wiener jacket.**

**Snape: I don't need help from a filthy little Mudblood like her!**

"You called your best friend a Mudblood? What is wrong with you?" Snape closed his eyes, his soul now breaking because his heart was so broken it didn't seem able to hurt any worse than it was then. Snape regretted those words the moment they left his lips. The Marauders had enjoyed making him pay for that slip of tongue too.

**Lily: Fine, I won't help in the future. Come on James.**

**Snape: No wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!**

Snape, emotionless and best Occlumens, wanted to go and just mourn again. That moment ruined his life, turned him to the Dark Lord, to a spy and giving that murderer the information needed to definitely go after his precious Lily.

**(singing) So many assholes in this place, so many assholes in my face! **("GROSS!)** Why can't they leave me alone to love princesses, maids, and queens? They wouldn't ever be in between.**

**Both: We treat them nice and never be mean and we would care, but there will always be guys like Potter. Who'll quench the flame like it's a game with drops of water. He'll never ever think her perfect as you/I thought of her.**

**Lucius: But now you're alone left to pout and moan 'cause you were totally powned.**

Snape left the room, going to the restroom and Dumbledore let him. He couldn't blame the man, having his heart ripped open like this.

"Did she ever forgive him?"

"No, my mother never forgave him."

**Snape: Alright, let's do it.**

Harry looked to the bathroom and thought about what he just learned. Snape had loved his mother, but he knew she only thought of him as a friend and that's what made Snape's tongue so loose. He had started hanging out with the Death Eaters at that point and took on some of their qualities and lost his only true friend in the process. He felt pity for the man but he would never ask Hermione to forgive him he had done something so inherently evil to a friendship and relationship that the trust was important on.

"Well, that was the end, ready for the next one?"

"Shouldn't we wait for Professor Snape?"

"Let him be for a moment Miss Granger. He'll return when he's ready."


	22. Act 2 Scene 5

Act 2 Scene 5

**Neville: Gents, did you take a look at today's Prophet?**

**Ron: NO! NO, no more Prophets, enough of that shit.**

"I totally agree with you."

"Of course, as it's the truth."

**Hermione: Oh no.**

**Harry: What is it?**

**Dean: Gather 'round.**

**Hermione: Harry, you're not going to want to see it.**

**Harry: "Ministry of Magic sentences Sirius Black to death by way of the Dementor's Kiss?" Bogus! Mondo Bummer.**

"Bloody Ministry can't do one thing correctly."

"Of course the Ministry does stuff correctly, they…"

"Malfoy, you do realize that the Muggle government has more rights and is better than the wizarding one right?"

"What?"

"Why do you think us Muggleborns think you Purebloods are out-of-date? You are so far back in Medieval times that you could probably pull-off a Renaissance Fair!"

"Well said, Miss, Granger, I've always found Muggles to be the better humans of us to an extent."

**Dean: That's not the worst part of it. Anyone read the next few sentences?**

**Hermione: "To administer the Kiss, the force of 1000 Dementors will be sent to Hogwarts, where after carrying out the execution, they will remain a new permanent security force…under the direct control of Headmaster Dolores Umbridge."**

"What?"

"They can't!"

"Here's a question, why send one of the Darkest creatures we know of to guard a school? Wouldn't Aurors have been better suited and safer for us?"

"The Ministry thought that the effect the Dementors have would hopefully keep Sirius away and to use psychology to try and make him think he was back in Azkaban."

"Well, they are pretty stupid."

"Remember who was Minister though?"

"Fudge ate too much of himself."

**Cho: This is the absolute worse!**

**Dean: Umbridge gone and turned the school into a prison.**

**Ron: It's over, she won.**

**Umbridge: Attention All Hogwarts Students-this Umbridge. Will all those nasty little First Years who have detention this evening please report immediately to the Owlery. Your duties this evening will include restocking the bird seed supplier, getting eggs from the meanest and angriest owls, and scrubbing bird shit off the floor. Bring you toothbrushes.**

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Everything was fine until that last part."

"She is gonna die, please tell me she dies?"

"I hope she doesn't but is tortured for the rest of her life by the pain and misery she causes us."

**Failure to attend detention will result in some serious tough love consequences. So, get moving everyone. Everyone, except for the famous Harry Potter. Potter, your detention will be held with me tonight, so please report to my office immediately. Alone. Alright that's all, bye. Have fun! (weird laugh)**

"Guess you were right Hermione, she is getting me alone and we can't do anything or you will be beaten."

"I hope she isn't going to use any of her other methods."

"What other methods? We already found out she used that Blood Quill." Dumbledore's voice was cold as he said that, he hadn't been the most thrilled when he learned that.

"Professor, she was willing to put me under the Cruciatus again in order to find out why I was in her office." Dumbledore narrowed his eyes just the slightest bit at the screen. That woman was truly not meant to be in civilized society.

**Hermione: Harry, I don't like the sound of this. Why does she want to meet you alone?**

**Ron: Yeah, why don't you have to clean up bird shit like the rest of us?**

"I love you too Ron, it wouldn't be the fact she is going to have me tortured and killed?"

"Nope, it's because I seem to think bird shit is worse"

"Language, please, Mister Weasley."

"Sorry Professor."

**Hermione: No, what is she does something horrible to you?**

**Harry: She can't, she's a teacher. Besides, maybe I can talk to her about Sirius. She can't just sentence someone to death who's innocent.**

**Hermione: I think she cares if he's innocent or not.**

**Harry: She has too,**

"Didn't stop them fifteen years ago. Why not take him in and question him under Verritarserum?"

"I didn't have the power once they had him in Azkaban. I tried for an appeal but they were convinced he did it, since the staged evidence was pretty convincing."

**Any sane, reasonable person would. Besides, I don't know what I would do if I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss Sirius Black, my best adult friend, ever again. I have to try. I'll see you guys.**

Harry looked down at that. He still missed his godfather terribly, the reassurance and the connection to his parents. Remus had started to really take more of a step into Harry's life but it was more because they were both mourning. Remus had explained why he couldn't have Harry, even though the will had stated for it to be Sirius, then Remus as Harry's guardians but the blood protection Dumbledore knew about would need a blood relative to keep him safe and Remus didn't qualify for the blood adoption.

**Ron: Good Luck.**

**Hermione: Be careful.**

"What is that…oh my." The bathroom door opened and Professor Snape came back out. Once he had taken his seat, he looked up and scowled at the screen as he entered to see his drunken self.

**Snape: (drunken mutters) Oh Potter, Potter, …..just who I wanted to see. Sit down dude.**

"Snape says dude?"

"I do not."

**Harry: Listen, I gotta go to Umbridge's office.**

**Snape: Right now, can't you wait? (Harry: You see…) Come on Potter, I'm a teacher you have to listen to me. You, you have to listen to me or I'll expel you. I'll expel you right now. Sit down.**

"I like this Snape, he's funnier and cooler."

"I'm right here."

"We know." Harry and Ron smirked at each other.

**Want a beer?**

**Harry: Ah, no that's okay.**

**Snape: Ah, no come on man, don't let be the only one drunk and…**

**Harry: Alright.**

**Snape: Hey those are mine!**

"You're an emotional drunk Professor."

"I expected better behavior from you Miss Granger."

"Oh Severus, the kids are having fun."

**Listen, Potter, I asdjkfsahdjfhdsljka. I had ahsdjfhasjkdlfhljksda. I have a dilemma.**

**Harry: What's your dilemma?**

**Snape: I'm promised Dumbledore I would protect the school but the thing is Potter, I hate you.**

Harry looked at said Professor and feigned a look of horror.

"You hate me? I never knew! I thought we were best friends!" Ron and Draco cracked up laughing while Ginny and Hermione giggled at the look on Snape's face as Potter actually joked at him.

**I hate you so much, you know what I mean?**

**Harry: Yeah, I hate you too.**

**Snape: But it's not fair really because it's your dad I sure hated. And I was in love with your mum but I had a butt trumpet.**

"He admitted it?"

**My butt went: boop boop, boop boop. And she chose him over me! You know how that is?**

Snape glared at the screen. Why did he have to come back now to have the wounds reopened for a second time in one day?

**Harry: I don't know what you're talking…**

**Snape: Well it pisses me off. I mean really fucking pisses me off. 'Cause I was there for her you know. Like when she needed someone, I was there waiting like a tool. See, are we gonna snog now? No, okay now? What about now? Well, I'll wait. I'll wait forever like a tool!**

Snape wanted to leave again but he knew the first time was a weakness on his part and he refused to let Potter think he was weak but where this was going it was hitting all the right buttons again.

**I just once, just one time, I wanted to take your mum's boobies and put them on my face and go –blub-.**

Harry was torn between horror, disgust and amusement. Ron, Draco, and Ginny had no qualms laughing at that. Snape looked murderous and Dumbledore was trying to remain neutral but the twitch at his lips and the twinkle in his eye said otherwise. Hermione was giggling while still looking slightly disgusted.

"That was the best yet!"

"That is horrible and very personal!"

"But it was hilarious!"

**Harry: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't understand anything you're saying so I'm just going to let you pass out here.**

**Snape: Wait, Potter, what I'm trying to say is that I'm torn up and if you go in there, you're going to be in big trouble.**

**Harry: Whatever Snape. Butt Trumpet.**

**Snape: Ah, forget you.**

"Come on, the one time I should listen to him and I don't? I'm screwing myself over with that!"

"Like you would believe him if he was drunk anyways?"

"True."

**Harry: Professor Umbridge, it's me HP, you asked for me to come here. I want to talk to you about something. Hello?**

**Lucius: Hello Potter.**

**Harry: Oh Hi.**

**Lucius: Stupefy!**

"Wow, if I knew it was that easy…"

"I didn't know your dad until second year when I saw you in Knock…Flourish and Blotts."

"What were you going to say?"

"Nothing, just a slip of the tongue."

"Potter."

"Malfoy, it's Harry, once his mind is set, you never beat it."

AN: Okay, now that band camp is over, I have two weeks before I go back to school for my own band camp. I will try and get 6 up definitely and maybe 7. I've been sitting on this one for a bit though so you're welcome!


	23. Act 2 Scene 6

Act 2 Scene 6

**Cho: Alright y'all, let's keep up the good work. (spanks Seamus)**

**Seamus: Certainly Miss Chang.**

"She really has them wrapped around her little finger doesn't she?"

"Not next year she doesn't once I meet Ginny."

**Hermione: Cho, could you please help too?**

**Cho: Well, I am. I gave my toothbrush to Dean and now he's working twice as hard, bless his heart.**

**Hermione: No, Cho we all need to do an equal share of work.**

**Cho: Well that doesn't seem very fair.**

"That's not fair?"

"Hermione, in this Cho is a stuck-up priss…what did you expect?"

**You have turned into a little Umbridge, haven't you? Give me that.**

"No one makes Hermione doubt herself like that, no one."

"Harry, it's just a musical."

"No, he's right. No one makes you nearly cry or doubt yourself like that." They watch Ron get up on screen and go to Hermione with the Red Vines.

"I'm being nice?"

"Ah, Ron, thank you for not thinking I'm Umbridge!" She kissed his cheek and he blushed but smiled.

**Ron: Do you want a Red Vine?**

**Hermione: No thanks.**

**Ron: What? Does no one want a Red Vine? Has the world gone insane?!**

"Yes, yes it has."

"I mean we are watching a musical about ourselves."

"I wonder how they got our story though?"

**God! You're not like Umbridge, if that's what's bothering you.**

**Hermione: Oh yeah? We're both ugly, we're both bossy and nobody likes us!**

**Ron: Eh, eh, eh, so what? So you share same similarities, hm? That's like saying Spider-man and Venom are the same because they have the same powers and the same costume. No-no-no-no, but Venom let his bitterness and hatred of the world turn him into an asshole a long time ago. Spider-man would never do that. Even though the Bugle is always printing all this crap about him, Iron Man was just so mean to him, Sandman killed his poor Uncle Ben. It's like Spider-man is so full of, of love that he would never let any of that ruin him. And that redhead, Mary Jane, she cares a lot about him.**

Hermione was in tears and smiling at Ron while Ginny smiled at her older brother and Harry was smiling gently. Dumbledore looked so happy that something of what he always preached was seen somewhere else and Snape was appalled that a Weasley could be so fluent in speech.

"Well, Ron, this Spider-man feels very lucky to have such a caring redhead as a friend." Ron hugged Hermione and Ginny smiled wider at them.

"It's adorable!" Harry laughed a bit and held Ginny closer. Though the reference was for Hermione, he could also relate to the poor hero.

**Even if he is just a nerdy, potato-faced loser.**

Harry burst into laughter and Hermione tried to look offended but couldn't. Ron ducked his head.

"It's like Snape's speech in First Year. It was perfect until he called us all dunderheads."

**And she knows, deep down, miles beneath those enormous breasts of his…**

Even Ron was laughing now at the absurdity of this speech as it kept going. Snape looked disgusted but Dumbledore was chuckling along with them.

"Oh, if your mother ever sees this, we're dead."

**There's something special.**

**Hermione: Yeah, he's like my second-favorite superhero.**

**Ron: Second? (angry face)**

"Really, after all that, and it's because Spider-man is second?"

"I don't even know what a Spider-man is!"

"It's a superhero. He's a teenager who gets bitten by a radioactive spider and is given spider-like powers. He can climb walls, shoot and swing from webs that come from his wrists, his senses are enhanced to detect danger, his vision gets corrected, and he is physically stronger and more flexible because of it."

"Sounds amazing to be honest."

"Yeah, I personally liked Iron Man though."

Who?"

"Later, I wanna see the end of this."

**Hedwig: Meow, message for Hermione Granger.**

**Hermione: Oh, Birdie, I'm Hermione Granger.**

**Hedwig: Oh, here you go. (Pffft) You missed a spot.**

"Yup, that's Hedwig for you."

"Really?"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. She is a spit-fire when she wants to be."

**Hermione: Thanks.**

**Ron: What's it say?**

**Hermione: It says. "Harry Potter is in grave danger." Oh no, "Meet me by the Divination class as soon as you can. Signed, Little D."**

**Ron: Little D, ugh, Little D? Little…**

**Together: Dumbledore!**

**Hermione: I knew Umbridge was going to hurt Harry. Well, we have to go right now.**

**Ron: Okay.**

**Hermione: Here we are, Professor Dumbledore!**

**Ron: Dumbledore! Where is he?**

**Hermione: I don't know. The note said he'd be here. Where are you Little D?**

**Draco: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.**

The kids burst into laughter. Draco couldn't believe his character anymore while the whole thing was just too much.

"I don't think that enamors you Malfoy."

"I don't think so either, not quite what one would want to know."

**Together: Malfoy?**

**Hermione: What are you doing here?**

**Ron: Come to turn us in to Umbridge, huh?**

"Yes."

**Draco: No, why would I do that after I took all that trouble to bring you here? Friends….**

**Hermione: Little D, Little Draco. No, I don't get it.**

**Ron: Yeah, we're not friends here.**

"That's true but I haven't been seen since that match I think?"

**Draco: Maybe not yet…Listen! The Draco Malfoy you know and love is currently bedridden with heartache in the Slytherin dorms. The Draco Malfoy that stands before you today you may love, but you hardly know. Get ready, I'm about to blow your minds. I'm from…the future.**

**-gasp-**

"Well, that makes sense."

"What does?"

"Why we haven't seen him yet Little D knows stuff that is happening while Dumbledore seems to have been oblivious?"

"Oh yeah. It does."

**WHAT?**

**Draco: Yes, the distant future of 2009.**

"Wait, when were these made?"

"Apparently the next century."

"Well, talk about huge time jump. I wonder what references we've missed just because something doesn't exist?"

"Like the tiny portable telephones?"

"They kind of exist now. They're known as cellphones but they aren't that small. Not yet at least."

**Ron: That's one year from now.**

**Hermione: But how and why?**

**Draco: How and why indeed Miss Granger. It turns out something very important happens next year. I can't tell you what but as consequence my father….**

**Hermione: Lucius Malfoy…**

**Draco: The very same. It turns out my father has travelled back in time with a gang of Death Eaters. Their mission; to kill Harry Potter. When I found out of their evil plot, I stowed away in my father's fanny pack so I could stop them.**

"You aren't that petite Malfoy."

"What's a fanny pack?"

"A small pack that goes around your waist to hold things like your money and tickets and such."

**Ron: Oh yeah, why do you want to help Harry all of the sudden?**

**Draco: Because, in the future, I'm really nice now. I'm the most popular boy in school, even Harry Potter likes me. Haven't you noticed how I've tried to help you all year? I mean first I managed to track down Harry's Invisibility Cloak and I sent it to Sirius Black so he could escape Azkaban and come to Hogwarts…**

**Hermione: That's right, he had a note from Little D.**

"I don't think Draco would really do that. I mean, this is a lot of information that he would have had to dig up and a lot of it was unknown."

"Thanks for calling me incompetent Granger."

"You're welcome."

**It looks like Dumbledore wasn't helping Sirius, he was covering for us. But, wait, where have you been all year?**

**Draco: I've been living in the Forbidden Forest, hiding amongst the centaurs. When they learned of my knowledge of the future, they made me their leader and worshipped me as a new god.**

**Hermione: You're the leader Firenze talked about. You sent him that night to save us in the Forbidden Forest.**

**Draco: Indeed I did. I've worked hard to keep my presence in the past a secret for fear of disrupting the space-time continuum.**

"The what?"

"Oh, wait, I've heard of this on TV. If you change something in time, it creates a domino effect and changes what happens. Things like if Hitler was loved and liked as a child, World War II would have never occurred or If Napoleon had actually ruled all of Europe and such."

"Yeah, we learned the start of it in the end of primary when they were explaining why doing math problems and chemistry problems were so important."

**But, my father has captured Harry Potter and I had to seek help. I'm going to come at him with every second-year spell I know. We're talking Squoushy-Toushy Charms, Tickling Hexes, and maybe, if I'm feeling especially cruel, a Bubble Head Charm.**

"I can see the tickling charm working well, but Bubble Head is useless in battle unless you're trying to not inhale something."

"That first one sounds interesting though. It would be kind of funny if something actually made your arse all saggy and inhibited your walking and running."

**Hermione: Well, if Harry's in trouble we're there.**

**Ron: I don't know.**

"Thanks pal, for caring so much about me."

"It's not you I'm doubting on saving you prat. I'm probably talking about how willing the Ferret is to go against his Father and save you."

**I mean the Draco we know always has an ulterior motive.**

**Draco: How strange, I have no ulterior motive.**

Hermione laughed with Ginny and as Ron looked livid and Harry looked torn between amusement and annoyance. Malfoy just smirked.

"At least Weasley knows me well."

"You come at her Malfoy, and I'll turn you into a prickly slug again. Fred and George informed which spells those were." Draco blushed and glared at the redhead. He didn't want to go through that experience again.

**Hermione: Harry's in trouble. We have to think of a plan.**

"Really, are you so desperate that you have to try and feel up a girl while she's ranting?"

"Shut it Weaslette."

"Curiously, you do realize that the ferret and weasel are in the same family right?"

"No way."

"Yup, they're cousins in the animal kingdom."

Draco and Ron glared at each other. They were insulting each other by using cousin animals?

**I'll try to think of something. Come on, let's go. Oh and Draco, thank you. You're very brave.**

Malfoy smirked as we watched his character turn around in all pure victory while the Weasel just glared.

**Draco: Got a problem Weasley?**

**Ron: No.**

**Draco: No? Looks like you have a little one. Maybe a tad jealous? Maybe because I'm an older, more mature man who can use the potty and everything? Or maybe, maybe this will make you jealous. Yes, it is a crayon drawing of Hermione and mine's wedding.**

More laughter filled the small room as all five teens burst into hysterical laughter.

"Mars?"

"Talking lions?"

"Space suits?"

"PIGFARTS!" They burst into laughter again.

**Ron: Why are you guys wearing spacesuits? And why is the priest a talking lion?**

**Draco: Those are mature things you wouldn't understand.**

**Ron: Yeah, whatever.**

**Draco: Just so you know, in the future, you don't get her. So don't even try Weasley.**

"Oh, you did not just go there."

"You think Hermione is scary pissed off, you haven't seen Ron when he's mad."

"You all have tempers don't you?"

"Of course, though Harry's still the scariest thing you've ever seen ticked off."

**Ron: Two things Draco. One, you may be trying to help us but two, (flips him off) you're still full of shit. (does poop nose)**

"Oh my, what was that?"

"No idea but I get the message loud and clear."

**You have a poop nose now.**

**Draco: Ah…**

**Ron: Yes you do.**

**Draco: Get the poo off me!**

"Yes! Good job Ron!"

"I can't believe that worked."

"I know but I personally wouldn't want to eat someone's nose."

"True, though Voldemort doesn't have one so…"

"He's still full of shit."


	24. Act 2 Scene 7 Plus

Act 2 Scene 7

**Lucius: Alright Yaxley, now when Harry Potter wakes up you're going to stand in the window between these two and you're going to do that, um, stiff arm movement you're so fond of. And you two, you're going to do this (crazy legs). Yes it's going to feel goofy but it's going to look so fucking good. So, be sure that…**

**Harry: Uh…ah…**

"Well, Father has certainly lost his touch apparently."

"You know, they have only ever captured me once."

"Once more than should have happened Harry."

"Still, for supposedly more mature, studied, and powerful wizards they can't best a teenager and his friends."

**Lucius: Oh, shshshshshshshshshsh.**

**Harry: Oh, what the…where am I?**

**Lucius: Hello Potter!**

Laughter once again burst through the teens as they watched the display of Death Eaters.

"I wish they would really do that."

"I wish Father would suggest it….I wanna see the look son their faces." Harry looked on and snorted.

"I'm captured by maniacs who want to kill me and I'm mildly impressed at the orchestration. Only me."

**Harry: What a marvelous display! I'm very impressed.**

**Death Eater: Hey Lucius, where do you want these boxes of torturing supplies?**

**Lucius: Um, just stack them right in here thanks.**

"Whoa, what?"

**Harry: Whoa, wait a second what? Torturing supplies, who are you guys?**

"Looks like you and your double agree." Harry narrowed his eyes at the screen a bit. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like this.

**Lucius: We are men who have lost a great deal because of you Potter. I am Lucius Malfoy and we are the Death Eaters.**

"You know, it's sad they are having to resort to trying to off me at eleven when I'm ignorant of almost everything."

**Harry: Whoa, listen look, I know I beat your Dark Lord or whatever when I was a baby but don't you think it's time you guys uh, got over it?**

"Scared Potter?"

"You wish Malfoy."

**Lucius: This isn't about anything you've done Potter. It's about what you're going to do.**

**Harry: But that doesn't make any sense!**

"He's right. It doesn't make sense to punish someone for something they haven't done yet."

**Lucius: Maybe not to you it doesn't but where I come from, it makes perfect sense. If I had my way, I'd finish you off right here, right now Potter, but I made a deal and you've got information I need.**

"Not again!" Draco looked down a bit in shame while the other narrowed their eyes at the screen.

"Harry?"

"Sorry Professor, I'm going to be once again, have a plan formed around me that involves torture and your whereabouts."

**So I will use every torture imaginable to make sure you…(ring) Oh hold on, that's me. OH MY GOD! Umbridge, stop texting me.**

**Umbridge: "Did you get my text?"**

Hermione laughed at Ginny having predicted what was going to happen. Harry also laughed while Ron was turning red from not being able to breath he was laughing so hard.

"It's not that funny…"

"Draco, loosen up a bit and it will be."

**Lucius: Yes!**

**Umbridge: Well you didn't text me back. Oh, looks like you found Potter. **

**Harry: Umbridge, of course you're behind all this.**

**Umbridge: Has he spoken yet?**

**Lucius: We were just getting started…**

**Umbridge: Well hurry up and make sure you keep your end of the deal because I gave you your little boyfriend and now I want mine. I gotta go. Oh, and Potter? I thought that you might like to know that Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to the castle right now.**

"Get your hands off me you pathetic excuse for a human being!" Harry was fine until she had started talking and he surmised where she was going with this speech. Sirius was innocent and he lived like homeless man with no freedoms! He didn't deserve anything that he suffered.

**And they're going to give your friend, Sirius Black, a big-fat-wet-kiss goodbye for you.**

Ginny hugged Harry as he was now angered on Sirius' behalf. Ron and Hermione were pretty angry too at this turn of events.

"She's not a human, she's a bloody Dementor herself!"

"If she was here now..,."

**Then maybe he can say hi to your parents.**

The room went eerily silent. Snape sneered at the screen as Dumbledore also narrowed his eyes, the twinkle gone. Harry was shaking while Ginny squeezed herself closer to him in her own anger. Hermione was shocked to silence and Ron, though just as pissed off as any of them, held Hermione to him as she could explode. Draco was annoyed as well. He was not happy about the insults to Potter's parents he had given but that was low even for him.

**(demonic pathetic evil weird laugh) Oh, it's alright it was my fault.**

**Ron (Disguised): Oh, no excuse me.**

**Malfoy: This will never work Weasley.**

**Ron: Trust me.**

**Lucius: Hey there, who are you guys?**

"Nice timing, after my tempter would have been set off, you then appear to rescue me."

**Ron: Oh, us? We're the back-up Death Eaters. The union sent us over.**

Hermione snorted into Ron's arm as she caught on.

"What?"

"America is known for its revolution of unions in the work force. It's hilarious in the context that this is made in the US."

"Huh?"

"Never mind you three."

**Lucius: Curious, what union?**

**Ron: The one for Death Eaters. **

**Lucius: Mhmm, mhmm, I'm familiar.**

**Ron: Oh, they said before you torture Harry Potter here you're required to take a ten minute break so uh, they sent over some pizza.**

"It worked?" Ron looked incredulous but smug as the others were shocked from all previous anger.

"There's a union for them?"

"No, but still….it worked?"

**Yaxley: Death Eaters work hard. But when we break, **_**we break**_**. Give me some of that pizza new guy. What kind of toppings you got on that thing?**

**Ron: Well, you know all your favorites mushrooms, artichoke hearts, red peppers, and a knuckle sandwich!**

"YAY!"

"Wohoo, go Ron!"

"Yes, I just punched a bloody Death Eater in the nose!"

"Yeah! My brother is bad ass!"

"Language Miss Weasley."

"Sorry Professor." Ginny still smiled though.

**Yaxley: Ouch, ah, look what you did. Lucius, the new guy punched me.**

**Lucius: I have a feeling that these aren't new guys at all.**

**Yaxley: Hey! What happened to all the pizza?!**

"Pathetic."

"Idiot….really?"

"I'm hungry now."

"Maybe after this we'll make some pizza then?"

"What is pizza?"

"Best Muggle food ever!"

**Did it fall through the hole?**

**Lucius: More like new children!**

**Kids: Oh!**

**Lucius: Come to see your friend get tortured did you?**

"I love the look on your faces when you were discovered as though it wouldn't happen."

"Thank mate."

**Well, you'll each have your own chance, you meddling little stinkers.**

**Ron: Well, looks like you caught us. And we were saving this, to celebrate saving Harry.**

"No way he'll fall for this twice."

"5 Galleons he does?"

"You're on Weasley."

**But I guess you guys can have the real pizza. **

Draco looked shocked as Ron clapped in joy. He was getting paid tonight!

**Yaxley: Don't mind if I do. Nothing worse than getting your hopes up for pizza and then when you go to get the pizza you get punched in the fac-AH!**

Everyone, even Snape, laughed thought the Potions professor merely smiled cruelly. Dumbledore was with the teens in laughing with tears coming out of his eyes.

"He's a complete idiot!"

"Such a prat!"

**Ron: Phase 1 complete. Now, phase 2 (throws box at Lucius) Yeah!**

**Hermione: Get Harry! Harry Harry, are you alright?**

**Lucius: Not so fast Potter! Death Eaters, clean up those boxes. Surrender yourself Potter or I'll torture your friend.**

**Draco: No, Daddy. Daddy, it's me. Would you really torture your own son?**

**Lucius: Draco? Surrender yourself Potter or I'll kill your friend.**

"You heartless bastard! He's your son!"

"You care and protect your children, not use them as you see fit!"

"You are unfit to be called a parent!"

Draco blushed but was warmed by how angered they were on his behalf. None of his so-called friends would have done that for him.

**Harry: Leave Malfoy alone Malfoy. I do hate Malfoy but he doesn't deserve to die. Looks like I've got no other choice. I'll turn myself in.**

"Would you?"

"Yes." There was no hesitation to Harry's answer as green and grey met.

"Voldemort and the Death Eaters have their problems centered around me at the moment. No one deserves their wrath and sadistic tendencies, not the Muggles, not the rebels, not even their own children."

**Snape: Why that's absurd! Bat-Bogey Hex! Jelly-Legs Jinx! (kids cheer and Draco escapes to mess up Lucius' hair)**

**Lucius: Severus, you traitor. You'll pay for this.**

**Snape: Put it on my tab. Stupefy!**

"I wish you would do this professor, please?"

"No Potter, I will not…yet."

**Harry: Snape you came to save us!**

**Snape: I sure did. I made a vow to Dumbledore I would protect you kids. Besides, I couldn't let the last trace of Lily Evans be destroyed.**

Harry looked over to his Professor and saw him looking at him. There was the smallest bit of pain in those pitiless eyes.

**You have her eyes you know? Her eyes and….I have to go!**

"….I'm scarred for life now."

"We all are mate, we all are."

**Go on kids, I'll fend them off. Yaw!**

**Hermione: Come on, come on we gotta get out of here.**

**Ron: Alright, but first…let's take that piece of garbage down.**

"Yes! Taylor is Coming Down!"

**Harry: Alright guys, we gotta go find where they're holding Sirius.**

**Draco: Alright.**

**Harry: Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to kill him. They're gonna kiss him, they're gonna find him and Kiss him! Ron, where come on man. **

**Draco: Come on Ron.**

**Ron: It's, it's stuck on there with magic. **

"Prop gone wrong."

"Wow, you never know what will happen in live performances and now we know."

"Best moment yet."

**Harry: That's okay.**

**Ron: Don't worry about it.**

**Harry: Um, wait a second um, what the hell is Draco doing here?**

**Hermione: Oh right, Harry this is Draco form the future.**

**Draco: Future.**

**Harry: What?**

**Hermione: Yeah, he's really nice now and you know what we couldn't have saved you without his help.**

**Lucius: We mustn't lose them!**

**Hermione: Quick hide!**

**Lucius: Where'd they go?**

**Yaxley: I think they went that way.**

"What gives you that idea?"

**Lucius: No you idiot, there they are! **

**Harry: Geez, what a dumbass. Whatever, let's go save Sirius.**

**Draco: Right!**

"Okay, it's pizza time we havne't in like five videos." Harry and Hermione got up and went to the kitchen. Hermione dressed the pizzas after Harry made the dough and rolled it. They made three different ones, then a quick salad to hold everyone over as the cooked.

"You know, I'm looking at these videso that appear on the side here and there are some that are the people but not in our clothing." Hermione looked at the screen where Ginny was pointing and was surprised with Harry to see superhero costumes. She looked at the title and nearly choked on her salad.

"Wait, does that seriously say Super Friends?" Harry nodded and quickly clicked on the video. They sat back and watched as "Remus" and "Voldemort/Umbridge" were in spandex with other people they recognized and didn't.

_Batman: It seems so funny as look back on the folly of my way. I climbed as one can climb one they're own. I scaled the highest mountain, did a pirouette on the tippitty top but when you gotta get down, gotta get down, you need someone to count on._

_Lantern: Some mark their friendships with bracelets and lockets._

_Superman: Some mark their friendships with silver and gold._

_Spider-man: Some mark their friendship with matching tattoos._

_All: We forged our friendship by saving the world!_

Hermione and Harry were laughing too hard to notice the disbelief on the other's faces.

"What are they wearing?"

"It's…gasp…spandex. All the heroes where costumes like that."

"This is perfect, they parodied Marvel and DC."

_I wanna be your friend foerever._

_Robin: I wanna be a modern dancer._

_Others: What such a weird thing to say, that came out of nowhere. I wanna be your friend forever._

_Robin: Pass me the cup of Kinship._

_Superman: Meet me at my place, the Fortress of Friendship!_

The kids left their food as they got up and danced around crazily. They were liking something that wasn't about them and having a blast of it.

_All: I wanna be your friend forever._

_Robin: I wanna see the Eiffel Tower._

_All: With the power of the super friends you're never alone. I wanna be your friend forever._

_Robin: I wanna play Nintendo._

_All: Who needs Nintendo when you've got a friend oh!_ Lyrics appeared over the video and Draco smirked. He was gonna take this one.

_**Batman: Like a bat in the sun, I'm losing my guano. I've only known darkness all my days.**_

Hermione snorted. She knew what guano was and it was too funny to here Draco singing it like it was the world's leading phrase. They all joined in though for the rest of the lyrics.

_**Others: Dude, it's cool, it's chill. We're totally here for you.**_

_**Batman: Will there still be scary times? And sad times? When what?**_

_**Robin (Ron): Tequila times.**_

_**Lantern(Harry): I've got the limes! **_

_**All: I wanna be your friend forever.**_

_**Robin (Hermione): I wanna meet the Dali Lama.**_

_**Other: With the power of the super friends you're never alone. I wanna be your friend forever.**_

_**Robin: I wanna learn to play the banjo.**_

_**Others: Who needs a banjo when you've got a man show!**_

_**All: I wanna be your friend forever! -drums- I wanna be your friend forever! –drums- I wanna be your friend forever! –drums- I wanna be your friend forever!**_

_**Batman: Finally I found a friend, I finally found a friend.**_

_**Batman and Robin: Finally I found a friend I finally found a friend.**_

_**Harry and Ginny: Super friend!**_

_**Batman and Robin: Finally I found a friend I finally found a friend.**_

_**Harry and Ginny: Super friend!**_

_**Ron: Super-super-super friend!**_

_**Batman and Robin: Finally I found a friend I finally found a friend.**_

_**Harry and Ginny: Super friend!**_

_**Ron: Super-super-super friend! (multiple times)**_

_**Lantern (Harry): One man, many friends, going down a road that never ends. Super friends, super bros, super hearts with super souls!**_

_**Draco-Harry-Ron: We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.**_

_**Girls: Holy Musical!**_

_**Draco-Harry-Ron: We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.**_

_**Girls: No more dark sad lonely nights!**_

_**Draco-Harry-Ron: We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.**_

_**Girls: Holy musical!**_

_**Draco-Harry-Ron: We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.**_

_**Girls: No more dark sad lonely nights!**_

_**Draco-Harry-Ron: We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.**_

_**Girls: Holy Musical!**_

_**Draco-Harry-Ron: We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.**_

_**Girls: No more dark sad lonely…**_

_**All: BATMAN!**_ The teens fell to the ground laughing at themselves.

"That was amazing!"

"Bloody hell, I didn't think we you could sing like that Harry."

"Yeah, good for you too Draco, that was awesome!"

A ding stopped them and they ran for the pizza. Ron, Harry and Draco ate two on their own while the other one was split between the others since they could control their appetites.

"Now that you are fed, go start the next musical video. I'll do dishes tonight!" The teens ran out, seeing the screen reset to normal. Snape lingered with Dumbledore in the kitchen, catching the start of the eighth scene in this act.

AN: Here is Act 2 Scene 7! I have gotten requests for Harry's temper and I hope you do all realize that he does take a bit of needling to get angry but this scene worked well in your favor. I also added on the extra bit of Holy Musical B man for my own entertainment and to appease as Monday I start my sophomore year in college and I just came off a week of band camp. I'm burnt, exhausted, but I knew you loyal followers would want your fix as I do too. I hope this keeps you all anxious as, if I remember correctly, the next scene involves Draco finding out just how _familiar_ Dobby really is… ;)


	25. Act 2 Scene 8

Act 2 Scene 8

**Kids: Sirius!**

**Sirius: Kids!**

**Ron: Uh, looks like they got a Taylor Lautner poster in here too.**

**Harry: It's everywhere now.**

**Ron: They just decorated…**

**Harry: Every single room.**

**Sirius: What're you doing here?**

**Harry: We've come to break you free.**

**Ron: Yeah, Umbridge is coming with a whole army of Dementors and…and…(whispered) they're gonna Kiss you.**

The professors wondered back in as the kids were watching this avidly. Dumbledore smiled as the kids were watching the play unfold in such attention.

**Hermione: Stand back. **_**Alohamora!**_

**Everyone: Ah, magic.**

**Harry and Hermione: Sirius!**

"Pretty close to accurate there."

"What?"

"Ron was injured when we went back in time to save Sirius so it was just me and Hermione rescuing him."

**Sirius: But if you're seen helping you'll all be in really big trouble.**

**Harry: We don't care. You're innocent.**

**Sirius: I know but who's gonna believe a bunch of kids and a no-good washed-up loser like Malboy, and me, the most wanted criminal in the world. Gah, what kind of a dumbass would believe this bunch?**

**Remus: This dumb…this dumbass!**

"MOONEY!" Harry and Ron high-fived at the reappearance of their favorite professor.

"Yes, back-up has arrived!"

**Everyone: LUPIN!**

**Harry: Sirius is innocent. He only…**

**Remus: Harry, there is no reason to explain. I know that he's innocent and I've got proof.**

**Everyone: What? How?**

**Remus: This, the Marauder's Map.**

"Isn't that how you implanted the idea into Lupin's head?"

"Kinda, Lupin was watching the Map when he saw Wormtail appear with us coming from Hagrid's."

**I was on the Hogwarts Express when I began to get chilly and decided to use it as a blanket. That's when I noticed a name on there that shouldn't have been there, the name of a man who I believed to be long dead, Peter Pettigrew. **

**Sirius: That rat bastard!**

"You tell 'em Padfoot!"

**Harry: Who is that?**

**Remus: Harry, long ago your father was friends Sirius, and best friends with me, but he had another friend.**

**Harry: What, that's impossible. You can't have more than two friends.**

"Sorry Malfoy, but so you know, I can actually have more than two friends." Draco looked at how they were all buddy-buddy now and smiled slightly. Yeah, he could definitely have more than two friends.

**Sirius: It was a fatal mistake. Peter Pettigrew betrayed your parents and killed all those people then he set me up and disappeared.**

**Remus: Until now 'cause he's in this room.**

**Kids: Where?**

**Remus: Looks like…**

"He's on Ron?"

"Oi!"

"Shut it you two!"

"Yes Ginny."

**There. (points at Ron)**

**Ron: ME?!**

**Harry: Ron, how could you, you traitor?**

**Draco: I'll kill him chaps. Then she'll be all mine.**

**Ron: No! No, something's wrong. I'm not Peter Pettigrew.**

"And you never will be Ron, you already exceed anything that Peter ever was."

"Thanks mate, so assuming you're Prongs in our Marauder group, which am I?"

"Padfoot." Hermione, Harry, and Ginny all answered and it caused Ron to blush.

**Remus: The Map's never wrong Ron, or should I say Peter.**

**Hermione: No! No wait, wait, if you look at the Map Peter Pettigrew's name is on top of Ron. That must mean that Peter Pettigrew is on top of Ron.**

**Everyone: Scabbers!**

**Hermione: He must have magicked himself into a rat.**

**Sirius: That totally makes sense.**

**Ron: Die!**

**Draco: Stop him! (all stomp on Scabbers)**

"I don't know if I should laugh at the hilarity or feel slightly guilty in that they're killing a man in cold blood."

"Go with hilarity Potter since I have a feeling that's not Pettigrew in this musical."

**Remus: Well, he put up a fight but he's dead now.**

**Sirius: The nightmare is over.**

**Hermione: Wait, that's weird. The Map says that Peter Pettigrew hasn't moved but that must be wrong.**

**Sirius: No, the Map is never wrong.**

**Picture: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

**Hermione: It's, it's…**

**Everyone: Peter Pettigrew!**

"He had a very demonic laugh there. It was pretty convincing."

"Yeah, definitely not the pathetic wimp that he is in actuality."

**Peter: You finally figured it out. Expelliarmous! (tosses ball to Hermione and she tosses it back)**

**Sirius: Son of a bitch! I'm gonna drug and kill you! How could you betray James and Lily like that?**

**Peter: I know. James was my best friend.**

**Remus: I thought I was your best friend?**

**Peter: The Dark Lord, he can be very persuasive. He offered me a robot hand and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.**

**Harry: You're never gonna get away with this. Now that we've found you, Sirius is going to be free and you're gonna go to Azkaban.**

**Peter: Oh?**

"Don't mock me!"

"You owe your life to him!"

"He does?"

"Yes, I spared his life when we discovered where he was hiding and so he owes me a life debt that he doesn't know about."

**I've got a better idea. How about I kill all of you and get away scot free?**

**Draco: Um, no-no-no-no, no you should go to jail. We can vote on it?**

**Peter: Vote? Why don't you vote on what's going to be on your tombstone!**

**Harry and Ron: Red Vines!**

"Really?"

"Tempting to have it on there isn't it?"

"I agree. It would certainly through the future into confusion when they go visit the great Harry Potter's grave site and see Red Vines across it and then to have his best mate's tombstone look similar."

"They would probably think it was some secret code to your success and would spend millions of Galleons deciphering it to have a Muggleborn look at it and snort as it's a candy."

**Ron: That's it, Red Vines. Hey, poster man, wouldn't killing us taste better with a Red Vine?**

**Peter: Of course, everything tastes better with Red Vines.**

**Ron: Well, here. Why don't you have one?**

"What are you doing Ron?"

"No idea."

"Nope, I can't figure anything out either."

"Professor?"

"I haven't the slightest clue."

**Peter: Alright Weasley, I'm gonna trust you this time. But I don't want to see any funny tricks.**

**Ron: No tricks, just treats.**

**Peter: I just want you to hold out that delicious red, stick of candy.**

**Ron: It's gonna be right here.**

**Peter: And I want it to just stay right there so I can put my mouth around it. Alright here I go…yummy yummy yummy yummy….**

**Ron: Stupefy!**

"Hell that worked?"

"Damn, apparently Muggle candies channel magic." Harry and Ron pulled out the bag of Red Vines and looked at it in thought.

"DO you think they would…"

"Probably…I can't see why not."

"Wonder if they really do?"

"Of course…wanna?"

"Of course!"

"They are just as bad as Fred and George most of the time, if not worse considering they do it so subtly."

"Relax Hermione, you get into just as much as they do." Hermione blushed but smiled knowing what her two best friends were thinking of.

**Ron: Red Vines, what the hell can't they do?**

**Harry: You did it Ron!**

**Hermione: Ron, that was amazing!**

**Remus: Your poster days are over Peter. You're going to jail, Crucio.**

The room went silent at that. Even though Peter was unconscious and barely moved at the spell, the fact they had Remus using it so flippantly was appalling.

"Do they understand how horrible that really is?"

"I don't think they do or if they do they aren't recognizing it as such."

"Remus would never do that, not even to Death Eaters." Harry looked at the ground. He had tried to cast that curse of Bellatrix after killing Sirius and he knew that if anyone ever found out, he'd be in trouble.

**Harry: Wow Ron, I'm really sorry about your rat.**

**Draco and Hermione: yeah, sorry.**

**Ron: It's okay. He's been dead for years.**

"And he still puts him up on his shoulder?"

"Okay, that's just gross."

"Eh, no different than the people who get their pets preserved in the Muggle world."

"Assuming he's preserved 'Mione."

**Remus: Sirius, I'm sorry that I doubted you for all those years.**

**Sirius: How could you think I would betray James and Lily like that? I mean, I was his best friend.**

**Remus: What the hell am I?**

"Ouch, yeah, that does make it harsh doesn't it?"

"Remus was supposed to take you, Harry, if Sirius was unable to be your guardian. I had thought about that before I was forced to put you with the Dursleys because no matter how much I tried to get their will recognized and that Remus would be perfectly suited for taking care of a young child, especially since your parents had a trust set up for emergencies if Remus took you into his care, but the Ministry refused to believe that any child, especially their Boy-Who-Lived, could be successfully raised by a werewolf and there are so many contradicting laws around them that no one could find any loophole and I helped write some of those laws."

"I understand professor, I do. Thank you for trying though, but why couldn't he visit me?"

"He wasn't a blood relative. The blood wards cover your home from any fully-grown witch and wizard. Mr. Weasley got around it by the Floo but the Order last year and any other time people of magic have seen your home, they can't see it. No one could visit you once the wards were accepted but as you get older, the wards weaken as to how the Order were able to enter last year and me this year."

"Makes sense…though I didn't realize the wards were that strong."

**Sirius: Ooo, you thought you were his best friend?**

**Remus: Yeah.**

**Sirius: (Harry tosses Sirius the football) Tell you what, there's only one way to settle this. From this moment on, you and me will be the best friends. (tosses ball to Remus)**

**Remus: That's all I've ever wanted.**

**Sirius: Touchdown. Come here Loopy.**

"That was so sweet."

"How many more videos do we have?"

"Um…a fair few yet by the looks of it, let's keep going though."

AN: Sorry for the long wait! I finally got this through and I'm sorry as it's getting darker and more serious. The next chapter especially as it has the Dementor attack but I've tried to explain briefly why it's not as funny as we might have thought it to be. Like Umbridge, though we find it hilarious I'm staying true to the characters in that they lived through Umbridge and her tyranny so they view our delicious Joe in a different way than we do. That's why he isn't being acknowledged as amazingly hot.

Also, I know we are nearing the end here but as it is confirmed there is our precious Threequel, once I finish here, I'll be waiting until it comes out to finish it out and then to finish my series out properly as there is quite the return plot to write about. I hope my decision is okay for you all and thank you for sticking with me as I try to balance Physics, Organic Chemistry, two English classes, Arabic, and Marching Band with writing this. Love you all my dear followers!


	26. Act 2 Scene 9

Act 2 Scene 9

**Sirius: Oh, it feels so good to be able to hug and kiss you again.**

**Remus: I know but you know who deserves the kisses? These kids!**

**Sirius: You're right. Ah, Hermione, you did some amazing sleuthing back there. You really are cleverest bitch of your age.**

**Hermione: Thanks, that makes me feel really special.**

**Sirius: Good, and you. Ron, the guy who's always helping out…thanks for helping out!**

**Ron: No problem.**

**Sirius: Cool, and little Dracula Fatboy (?), you're Little D aren't you?**

**Draco: Sure am. **

**Sirius: Get over here. To you, I owe my freedom. What can I do for you Count Chocula?**

**Draco: Well, there's this girl I like but I'm not 100% positive she likes me back so should I tell her how I feel, perhaps in a letter or a drawing?**

**Ron: Or an angry email?**

**Sirius: No, rule #1 boys…you never tell a girl that you like her. It just makes you look like an idiot.**

"Ha! Snape was right! Sirius did give us that advice!"

"I am typically right Potter."

"That's what he thinks." Hermione whispered to them and they all cracked up laughing as Hermione made the joke.

**And you, Harry, while I was rotting away in my cell in Azkaban you know what happy thought kept me going and got me through it? It was you. Thanks for saving me Harry.**

Harry smiled sadly. That's close to what Sirius told him later. He had summarized it when they first met that his innocence kept him sane but he later told him that the fact Harry was alive and well is what kept Sirius truly going, knowing that he hadn't destroyed everything they had fought to protect; Harry.

**Harry: I had to Sirius. You're the only family I have. (hug)**

**Ron: So what are we going to do with Peter Pettigrew?**

"Really Ron, ruin the good family moment will you?"

"Eh, at least this time it wasn't Sirius himself trying to linger."

"True."

**Sirius: Well, we'll take his ass back to the Ministry and I'll get my charges dropped.**

**Harry: You're gonna be a free man.**

**Sirius: I sure will.**

**Remus: Alright gang, let's hop on some brooms and get to Ministry on the double okay? We'll let the beautiful full moon light our way…ah damn it. I mean, shit! Ah! My transformation!**

**Sirius: Lupin, my best friend, did you take your potion tonight?**

**Ron: What's happening?**

**Remus: RAH!**

**Sirius: Lupin! You know the man you truly are. This heart is where you live, this heart, right here.**

**Hermione: Transforming in a full moon? Lupin must be a, a…**

**Kids: A Gremlin!**

"WHY AREN'T WE GUESSING THE RIGHT ANSWER!?"

"No idea, but it makes us pretty thick."

**Peter: Go long and so long, you pathetic bastards!**

**Harry: No, no he's getting away!**

**Hermione: We need him to prove that Sirius is innocent!**

**Sirius: Well that's not going to matter if I'm dead. Remus, it's Sirius, your best friend. Remember…(gets hit)**

"Ah, I don't think their Animagi in this."

"Nope, which leaves us even more defenseless."

**Ron: Oh, we're done for. (hears a call)**

**Harry: What is that? What's that noise?**

**Ron: Hey, hey where's he going? Where's he going?**

**Hermione: Werewolves respond to the call of their own kind. The Forbidden Forest must be crawling with them.**

"Nope, not close Hermione."

"I know that you dork."

**Ron: Oh yeah, like the one that chased us on Halloween, that stole Lupin's broche.**

"Wow, we're even denser than before that comment."

**Harry: That reminds of his best friend Sirius…oh!**

**Kids: Sirius!**

**Ron: Is he dead?**

**Hermione: Almost.**

**Harry: Come back to me Sirius!**

**Umbridge: You mean, come back to Umbridge!**

"NO!"

"GET AWAT FROM HIM YOU HORRIBLE TOAD!"

"YOU SHOULD BE IN HIS PLACE!"

"GO BACK TO YOUR SWAMP!"

**Umbridge: I fucking caught you red-handed Harry Potter! I caught you helping Sirius Black and now you're not childrens no more. You're criminals and you're all going to get the Dementor's Kiss!**

**Hermione: Harry, look it's Dumbledore!**

**Dumbledore: UMBRIDGE STOP! Your beef isn't with these sexy boys, it's with me.**

"Wow, you are livid Professor."

"Oh trust me, Dumbledore is just plain scary when he's angry." Harry nodded with his own statement, Dumbledore was scary and he wasn't even the one with his anger directed at him.

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, did you get my texts?**

"Wait, he's on the run for supposedly assisting a criminal and she's worried about him getting her texts?"

**Dumbledore: Yes I got your texts. I got all 900 of them! You've been clogging my inbox for long enough.**

**Umbridge: Excuse me? You didn't text me back.**

**Harry: Umbridge has gone completely crazy.**

**Hermione: She's working with Death Eaters.**

**Ron: She tried to kill Harry.**

**Dumbledore: I know kids but the puck stops here. Umbridge, I've tried to be nice, tried to be fair but there comes a time when you have to lay down the law. This is my school and these are my chillings and it's time for you leave and never come back!**

"YES!"

"DUMBLEDORE JUST WENT TO THE NEXT STEP OF COOL!"

"My Professor, we love you too."

"Yeah, you've got our support wholeheartedly for this."

**Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is just our first fight.**

**Dumbledore: It'll be our last.**

**Umbridge: Oh my god, Dumbledore! Why you being such a lousy boyfriend?**

**Dumbledore: Don't you get it you crazy bitch? I'm gay!**

The kids cheered at the statement, proud that their professor was defending them and for calling Umbridge a bitch.

**Umbridge: Choose not to be gay then!**

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, if you don't stop I'll be forced to violence.**

"Finally!"

"Just what she deserves after all of this."

"I normally don't' condone violence but I approve this 100%."

**Umbridge: Uh huh, no way-no how does a man threaten his woman! (takes wand and snaps it)**

"Holy shit…"

"Bloody hell…" Dumbledore was stunned by the display as much as anyone. He would never lose his wand so easily but now that he saw how easily it could be taken from anyone, it made him think of Muggles and how power they really can have over the wizarding world if they saw this.

**Dumbledore: Oh that was the Elder wand.**

"WHAT?" Ginny, Draco, and Ron all looked at their teacher in surprise.

"IS it true?"

"Do you really have the Elder Wand, like _the _Elder wand?" Dumbledore looked at the three Purebloods and sighed.

"Yes, it is the true Elder Wand. I won it without committing murder. I merely won the duel."

"Wow….that's just amazing."

"What's an Elder Wand?" Hermione and Harry were lost on what this was all about.

"We'll tell you later."

**Harry: What's the Elder Wand?**

**Dumbledore: It doesn't matter now Harry. Uh, maybe we can work something out.**

**Umbridge: No! It's too late.**

**Dumbledore: But Dolores I'll be your boyfriend!**

**Umbridge: NO! (singing) Remember that time, when you wouldn't talk to me, no you wouldn't talk to me yesterday! We were gettin' along, had a little dancey thing. Well, here's a song I sing my way! It was gonna be fine but you didn't wanna be the man that'd be with me. No way, and now you sayin' it's time? Why you gotta be like that? I don't like the way you act around me. So baby come on, come one…**

**Well don't you tell me to go and say "I'm the one!" D-d-do you think I'm dumb? I'm sorry, did I just stutter? Won't tell you what you know but this is the end. You were never my friend. You were never my, you were never my lover.**

"Oh my, are those…"

"Yeah, she's dancing with Dementors as though they were servants."

"Oh bloody hell, we're screwed. None of us know the Patronus Charm."

"Though watching him dance in a dress is kinda funny…"

"Yeah, it would be if we weren't so connected to what was happening in reality though."

**You remember that night? When I saw you trembling there? I remembered, "I don't care about you." You remember the way, you thought you were at the top but I think we're better off without you! And I've got your number and I don't mean on my phone…would've already just thrown it out if I'd known about the way you'd bitch and moan. You remember the way, how you were way out of line? Well now you're way out of time. So, tell me what you want on your tombstone!**

**Come on, come on…**

"She's really gonna kill us isn't she?"

"Yeah, I think she just might."

**Well don't you tell me to go and say "I'm the one!" D-d-d-do you think I'm dumb? Sorry, did I just stutter? Won't tell you what you know, this is the end! You were never my friend. You were never my, you were never my lover.**

"No…they can't!"

**(normal) On behalf of the Ministry of Magic now I, Dolores Jane Umbridge, here by sentence you Sirius Black, to death by the way of Dementor's Kiss!**

**Dumbledore: Umbridge, please listen to reason for God's sake!**

"Please, listen to reason!"

"You're the reason he couldn't be saved!" Harry let his anger get to him. He realized that Voldemort had tempted him but if Umbridge hadn't driven the Order back, hadn't taken out Dumbledore and McGonagall or hadn't been part of the Ministry in trying to subdue him then Sirius actually might still be alive right then. He no longer wanted to blame himself and Dumbledore though they each had a small role in it. The blame was now on her.

**Umbridge: (singing) Too bad you're a loser, too bad you waste my time. Good thing that I'm around to keep your ass in line!**

**Harry: No, stop it! Let him go! No, leave him alone you bastards! Leave him alone! No, get away….no…(passes out from the Dementors)**

"NO HARRY!"

"What really happened that night?"

"Hermione tried to cast a Patronus but she passed out. There were hundreds of them there and Sirius was seriously injured from fighting Remus. I was the only one conscious that could do anything so I summoned just the mist and it held for a little while but the Dementors swept it aside and tried to Kiss me and Sirius. From a time paradox, I ended up saving all of us with my true Patronus but it was really close. Another second and none of us would have survived." Hermione and Ginny were clinging to Harry and Ron and Draco tightly as everyone realized just how close those creatures had come to taking three innocent lives.

**Umbridge: (still singing as Harry fights) You were never my, you were never my lover! (laughs)**

"That…that's the end of the act." Harry nodded and got up to go to the restroom, locking it manually. It hurt bringing Sirius back like this. He had tried his hardest over the summer to accept and overcome his grief but it had taken being with the Weasleys and school to get it to subside but bringing back the fact that his godfather had only known him for two years and the first time they met they all almost died was not a great memory to help with the lingering grief of losing the only father-figure he has ever had.

"Do you think he'll be okay?"

"Just give a couple minutes then we can go in after him." Hermione went to the kitchen and brought back chocolate to the group in the room. They could see where this would be funny to the people in this non-magical world where magic seemed to not exist but to them, people who had lived through Umbridge and her methods and the Dementors and everything else, it hurt to see it so exposed and being laughed at.

They waited the few minutes, just talking to fill the silence when Harry exited the restroom. He was pale and looked truly sad but he was holding it together. Ginny moved the floor and it left Harry to lay down put his head in her lap. He needed the gentle contact from her, hoping it would help his grief to ease a bit more.

"Let's watch the next video and finish this musical…we only have a couple more videos to go now." The kids nodded as Ginny gave Harry his chocolate bar Hermione had fetched earlier.

AN: I know! I worked the past two hours getting you this second chapter as well to make up for my absence. Happy Fall Equinox everyone! Sorry for the dark and gloomy stuff but it'll pick up with "No Way" and Draco finding out his elven secret, and the Patronuses! =D Good things are coming soon and it'll be happy once more!


	27. Act 2 Scene 10

Act 2 Scene 10

**Harry: What wipe out did I do?**

**Ron: Harry…**

**Hermione: Oh Harry you're alright. **

**Ron: We thought we lost you there for a second good buddy.**

**Draco: Yeah, the Dementors almost Kissed you.**

**Harry: Where's….Sirius, where's Sirius?**

**Dumbledore: Harry, there were hundreds of Dementors. It took all my skill to grab you kids and escape.**

**Harry: We gotta go find him. We gotta go save Sirius!**

**Dumbledore: Harry, Harry, it's too late. Umbridge is too powerful.**

_This isn't helping anything._ Harry watched the screen and was not feeling any better despite the chocolate. If anything, this was making it worse.

**Hermione: Professor, what do we do?**

**Dumbledore: You four stay here, you'll be safe here. I'm going to go see if I can find some help, inform the Ministry.**

**Ron: But Umbridge works for the Ministry!**

**Dumbledore: Weasley, now to find somebody to help save the school before Umbridge turns anymore Dementors on any more kids. I'll be back as soon as I can. Disapparate.**

"Weasley, that was quite an intelligent argument you made there." Ron just shrugged and turned to Hermione.

"Why is it always the tone of surprise?" Harry smiled a tad and Hermione rolled her eyes jokingly.

**Hermione: He left us…He left us! **

**Ron: Well, we just can't let Umbridge destroy the school. What are we gonna do Harry?**

**Harry: There's nothing we can do. **

**Ron: What?**

**Harry: Don't you get it?! It's over, we lost.**

"Hey now, I never give up!" Harry was shocked that his portrayer was giving up this easily. Hermione and Ginny snorted though.

"Just wait Harry, this is an exaggerated representation of your pessimistic tendencies before a great idea and inspiration is given to you." Harry narrowed his eyes a tad and looked on again. He still wasn't a quitter.

**Okay? Sirius is dead, Umbridge won. The school is ruined, it's over.**

**Draco: Hey! (does pose)**

"Malfoy, you should so this more often."

"Not on your dignity Weasley."

**The Harry Potter I know wouldn't just give up.**

**Harry: That's because the Harry Potter you know is a twelve year old superhero! And I'm just an eleven year old child.**

"Don't worry honey, I've always thought you were my knight in shining armor, no matter your age." Ginny batted her eyes at him in a very exaggerated manner and laughed with him at the attempt to be an adoring fan.

**How can we do anything when there's no time?**

"Oh I forgot they had the Time Turner!"

"Yes! We save him!"

"But see, I was right. This is Harry when he's pessimistic and then he says something, it sparks a thought and then he becomes all leader and hero."

"No argued with you Hermione."

**Draco: Time…Hold on to me friends!**

**Hermione: Wait, Draco what are you doing?**

**Draco: Alright everyone, I hope you're wearing your diapers 'cause you're gonna shit your pants.**

The teens burst out laughing at that while the professors looked slightly disturbed but Harry's depression over Sirius had passed to the back of his mind once again.

"Really?"

"You never know in this…."

"If we seriously do…ew."

**Harry: Draco, what did you just do?**

**Hermione: Where are we?**

**Ron: Why'd I shit my pants?**

They laughed harder at Ron's statement at that, though Ron had blushed at his character's statement.

**Draco: It's merely a side-effect of negative light speed travel. Quick, hide!**

**Past Severus: And then go (motorboat).**

**Past Harry: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going to…..**

**Present Harry: Oh my god, who's that, I think I'm in love.**

"A bit round there Potter?"

"Oh Malfoy, you should know I'm not into blondes." Harry smirked as the Slytherin blushed.

"When did you become so cocky and confident?"

"Since I finished puberty and have finally come into my own."

"He's been like this all year….honestly you would think he was normal or something." Harry stuck his tongue out at Hermione and she grinned.

"Anyone else notice they also changed Harry's skin too?"

"Ron, shut your mouth."

"Hey!"

**Past Severus: Potter, what I'm trying to say is I'm torn up. If you go in there, then you're going to be in big trouble.**

**Draco: We can't be seen!**

**Past Severus: Forget you. Oh Potter, what really pisses me off…**

"My Professor, you seem a bit far gone if you didn't notice Potter leaving and coming at the same time." Snape glared at his godson but the blonde had already looked back to the musical. He had only ever been that wasted once and that was the night Lily died.

**Present Harry: Snape, can I say something for a second?**

**Past Severus: Sure.**

**Present Harry: Now listen, I've realized something. You live a pretty thankless, selfless, miserable life.**

"No argument there."

"Potter…"

"Boys, no." Harry immediately quieted but he still grinned at his glaring Potions professor.

**Despite how much everybody hates you, you stick by Dumbledore and you take care of us kids. I've never said this but you're a great guy and thank you.**

Snape was honestly surprised at that speech. Harry looked at the man who he knew would kill Dumbledore and then save his life and who sacrificed so much over this entire war, just about as much as Harry had lost if not a bit more. He agreed with every word said just then, he honestly did.

**Past Severus: Harry Potter, you're a hero. I was going to let those Death Eaters murder you but now I'm going to sober up and save you. Thank you Harry Potter, figment of my own guilt.**

Snape sneered. Potter might seem a hero but the brat always got off by luck.

**Draco: Potter, what were you trying to lead us straight to folly? One more hotshot move like that and you could rupture the space-time continuum.**

**Harry: What are you talking about?**

**Draco: Where were we exactly one hour ago?**

**Hermione: Uh I don't know. I think we were….**

**Past Ron: We're going to deliver a pizza!**

**Present Draco: Get down!**

**Past Ron: Then I'll punch him in the face.**

**Past Hermione: I don't know about this Ron.**

"Are Seamus and Neville really playing us?"

"It's too funny….he's in a skirt and everything!" They laughed harder when they saw Draco.

"HAHA! You're past self is taller than your present…too funny!"

**Present Ron: Was that us?!**

**Present Draco: In a way. That was us one hour ago. It was our past selves. I used my Father's Time Turner to travel back in time!**

**Hermione: That's why we shit our pants.**

Another bought of laughter started.

"What's so funny this time?"

"Hermione never swears nor is she ever vulgar."

"It's too funny for us!"

**Draco: Yes, but don't you see Potter? Now we have time. Time…**

**Harry: Time to save Sirius!**

**Ron: Oh no-no-no-no, we can't beat Umbridge. She's still so strong!**

**Hermione: She's working with a band of Dementors.**

**Harry: Use Patronus Charm that Lupin taught us.**

**Ron: In order to use the Patronus, you have to have a happy thought okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad.**

"We all are Ron, that's why the charm is so hard."

"I know this."

**There is absolutely no way we can win.**

**Harry: No way? You listen to me now. For eleven years I was a Muggle douchebag that lived under some stairs but this year I found out what I was. I'm famous, I can fly, turn invisible and I just travelled the fuck back in time.**

"WOAH!"

"YES! HARRY FREAKING POTTER IS HERE!"

**So fuck you Draco, how's that for a happy thought? There's absolutely no way that there is no way. You hear me? **("What, really?") ** (singing) My mind is racing but my heart it beats faster. I'm in control commander and master. Lady Fate contemplating disaster but she ain't the boss of me nuh uh. Head-on collision with a catastrophic setback makes you either want to get lost of get back. I choose the latter. Let's not forget that we hold the cards this time so there's no need to bitch or whine. There's no way, I'm gonna take another option, no way I'm gonna settle with a loss. No way I'm gonna sit around and watch. There's no-no way… There's no way you're gonna find me in the background. No damn way you gonna see me satisfied! No way they're ever gonna make me back down, no-no way.**

"That's the Harry we know and love!"

"Once he's found the solution, there is no stopping him."

"I might be the smartest but Harry is the cleverest when it comes to thinking in danger."

**Draco: (singing) Home field advantage, the upper hand is ours so the game is on!**

**Ron & Hermione: (singing) The clock ticks but we've got our tricks to fuss with and fix what's wrong.**

**Harry: Let's wake up and go guys, take out the bad guys, break out your Mad Eyes.**

**All: Yeah! We'll take it on together. We're stronger and we're better and if there's a problem, ha, whatever. There's no way we're gonna leave it up to chance, there's no damn way we're gonna go without a fight! No way, you're gonna see us on our ass….there's no-no way. There's no way we're gonna settle with sorrow leave right now if you think this ain't real. Today, not waiting for tomorrow, there's no-no- way there's no way…no-no-way there's no way…no-no- way there's no way…There's. No. Way!**

"YES! Bloody hell we're awesome!"

"There's no way that you'll ever see us not being awesome!" The teens high-fived each other while they ran on the adrenaline the song evoked in them. It was definitely a fighting song.

"I'm sorry to say that was the end of that video. I'll start the next one then?"

"YES PROFESSOR!" They laughed at their shared enthusiasm but the Headmaster merely chuckled and started up number eleven.

AN: There's no way that this isn't one of my favorite parts in this whole thing! I love it and I'm glad for it because now the mood is back where we want it to be. I decided to post this as I am excited for homecoming here at school and seeing my family again. I hope you enjoy my excitement in this chapter though it is a bit short but definitely funnier than some of its predecessors.


	28. Act 2 Scene 11

Act 2 Scene 11

**Harry: There's absolutely nothing that can get in the way of us saving Sirius.**

**Lucius: No you idiot, there they are!**

**Kids: AH!**

**Lucius: Got you Potter.**

"Apparently your father can stop us from saving Sirius."

"Man, we were not this pathetic first year…honestly!"

**Ron: Holy shit.**

**Lucius: Forget Umbridge and her teachers, I'm killing you right here, right now Potter.**

**Draco: No Papa. (dances over to him)**

Laughter came from the kids once again at Draco's insane weirdness.

"Finally, you danced!"

**You'll not.**

**Lucius: Dracko, you danced. I finally taught you something.**

**Draco: No, the centaurs taught me that.**

"Ouch, burned old man."

"Makes you a poor-excuse for a father."

**Body-Bind Hex.**

**Lucius: Oh no.**

"Oh, can they be any more like poofs?"

"What's wrong with being a poof?"

"Besides the fact right now it's absolutely hilarious? Nothing."

**Draco: Yaxley, how would you like to work for me now?**

**Yaxley: Yes sir, Mr. Malfoy.**

**Harry: Alright.**

**Ron: Awesome, adults.**

**Lucius: So I suppose you'll audition for the Met now?**

**Draco: No. I'm auditioning for the wizard cops.**

**Lucius: Damn.**

"Have a sudden desire to be an Auror Malfoy?"

"Nope, always wanted to be a Potions Master or a politician."

**Draco: How does this sound? "You're going to jail."**

**Lucius: It sounded forced.**

Harry snorted at seeing Malfoy pout on both screen and in real life.

"I think you should work on your speech abilities before considering politics."

**Coward! If you were any kind of real man, you'd finish me off yourself.**

"No, only a coward and murderer would do that and you are neither."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence Potter."

"No problem."

"Oh…it's coming…" Hermione smirked a bit and made Ron, Harry, and Draco all cringe at it.

**Draco: Come on friends, let's turn in this belly-rumbling cur.**

**Guys: Yeah…**

**Lucius: Don't you want to know who your real father is?**

**Draco: "What?"**

Draco sat stunned for a moment before he remembered Granger's smirk. Harry and Ron were now leaning forward while Ginny turned to look at Hermione before letting her curiosity get the better of her.

**Lucius: You were never my real son. How could you be, you're always such a horrible disappointment to me.**

**Hermione: Draco, don't listen to him. He's just trying to trick you.**

**Harry: He's a liar.**

**Ron: He's an asshole.**

**Yaxley: Yeah.**

"Nice one Ron."

"That is my father you're insulting."

"Not truly, it's just some guy in costume and after all he's done to us, we'll call him as we please."

"Shut up you three, you are ruining the humor here!" Ginny smacked Ron and Harry upside the head and they shut their mouths while Hermione snorted and Draco chuckled smugly.

"Listen to the Weaslette Potter."

"Insult me again and I'll hit you too Malfoy."

**Draco: Tell me who my father is or I'll hex you, you wiener jacket.**

**Lucius: You do have some Narcissa in you. That tramp mother of yours, she choreographed an affair with someone behind my back, someone I trusted, someone I may have even loved.**

"Ouch, no one deserves that type of heartbreak."

"This is comedy though so the affair will be absolutely hilarious."

"Sh! I want to find out who they think my father is."

**Harry: Ollivander?**

**Hermione: Filch?**

**Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius' brother?**

**Yaxley: Me?**

"Oh Yaxley, so stupid and small-minded."

"I'm sure he'd remember that."

**Lucius: No…Dobby.**

No sound permitted the room. If one would have had a camera, Draco's face was the perfect Kodak moment. His skin was perfectly white in shock, eyes round in horror while his mouth hung open, no longer looking the part of an aristocrat. Harry and Ron were stunned but as time ticked by, smiles appeared on their faces and soon their combined laughter rang throughout the silent room. Both teens collapsed in laughter, fighting for breath but it was just too much for them.

"Y-y-ou're….ha…part….e-e-e-e-lf!"

"Dobby…iss…..hahahaha….you're dad?" Finally Ginny and Hermione joined in, their laughter adding to the now hilarious atmosphere. Dumbledore was silently laughing while even Snape had cracked a menacing smile on his face. Draco finally snapped out of his stupor and turned big grey eyes onto the four Gryffindors.

"I'm…part elf?"

"House-elf…house-elf."

"It's too perfect….the infamous Slytherin Prince part house-elf." Draco just stared in disbelief.

"This isn't one of those things that are real?"

"Of course not! House-elves don't reproduce as humans due and the DNA wouldn't match properly anyways."

"This is perfect! AH….need….air…" Harry and Ron were laughing so hard that now they were turning blue, which in turn made Draco laugh hard at them.

"That's what you get for making fun of my predicament!"

"Now children, calm down, we need to see the rest of this video…"

**My former House-elf.**

**Draco: No…**

**Lucius: Oh yes…it explains a lot doesn't it? Your irrational fear of the potty?**

More laughter sounded from the two Gryffindor boys at the reminder that Draco wore a diaper in this.

"Oh shush you two…it's not that funny."

"Oh yes it is!"

**Hermione: Over 600 house-elves die in toilet-related incidents every year. They fall in.**

At this point, Harry and Ron were struggling to breathe as the humor in the video continued to unfold.

"If only we had magic right now…"

"Just to shut them up and freeze them." Ginny finally smacked Harry's head and he stopped, gulping air into his lungs as Ron was kicked in the shin.

"HEY!"

"Calm down now." Both boys finally settled down but it wasn't to last.

**Lucius: Why else would you have such a little D?**

**Draco: It's so small.**

Not even Hermione and Ginny were saved form laughing this time. Draco was blushing almost a Weasley red at that statement. Snape was choking on his laughter while Dumbledore tried to control himself over the inappropriate laughter that would occur soon.

"D-d-draco….is it…really that small?"

"Shut it Weasley." The said ginger was too far gone to notice that glare being sent his way.

"I must say…"

"Potter, you finish that sentence and I'll make sure yours doesn't exist when we get back our magic!"

"Empty threat Malfoy…you'd have to find me first and then win."

"Boys, no more fighting or we'll have our say." The guys sobered a bit but Ron and Harry were still chuckling every so often and pushing each other in silent joke exchanges. Ginny had a feeling Fred and George would be proud right now.

**Lucius: IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF!**

"A bit harsh there Lucius."

"He's bitter that a house-elf got more swag then he does."

"Harry, where did you learn that word?"

"Dudley's friends this past summer why?"

"You do know what swag stands for right?"

"No, they just keep saying they have it."

"Street thugs think that swag is all this masculinity they think they possess and all this sex-appeal but really, SWAG is an acronym for _someone who's apparently gay._ They think that they're using a shortened Scottish word of swagger but that's just a walk that sways your hips a tad." Harry choked on his breath and Ron laughed at him.

"Did you ever say you possess swag Harry?"

"Shut it soul-less ginger."

"Rather soul-less than a skinny git."

**Draco: Oh, Dobby, now I lament all those times that I've beat him senseless within an inch of his life and, oh right, yeah that one time I drowned a litter of his young…my brothers?**

"Is that you really did to him Malfoy?" He turned to see Granger glaring perfectly cold and deadly daggers at him and he gulped a tad.

"Now, he typically beat himself and I've never heard of him having children."

**Lucius: So now you know. Could you imagine the scandal if that got out? "Lucius Malfoy's Wife Beds Smeagle". So, I had to take you in. You should be thanking me for raising you and sending that treacherous creature away.**

**Draco: So he's still alive?**

**Lucius: Perhaps, but now I see that banishment is far too merciful a penalty. Yours shall be far steaper! CRU…**

**Hermione: No, he's a poor little elf!**

**Lucius: …CIO!**

"NO!" Harry had gotten up, angry beyond what he's felt yet. Ron was gripping her closer to him, glaring at the screen for the terrible spell being put to her.

"Harry, calm down. It's never going to happen."

"It better not or the Death Eaters will have a new fear." For a moment, no one spoke, too frightened by the tone of voice until Ginny gently took his arm and brought him back to the couch. He relaxed a bit as she rubbed his shoulders. No one commented on his outburst, knowing his threat was true.

**Hermione: AROOOOOOOO!**

**Ron: Hermione!**

**Lucius: Oh, does that upset you boy? CRUCIO!**

**Hermione: OOOOOOWWWWWWW!**

**Draco: NO, no…**

**Lucius: I'm going to finish you off, one by one, starting with her. And Draco? You'll watch your friends die and then I'll do what I should have down twelve years ago. Avada…**

**Ron and Harry: Lupin!**

"Oh my…we're in for it now."

**Lucius: It's ah…It's a robot.**

**Ron: Kill him!**

**Hermione: No!**

**All Cheer**

**Harry: Well, let's go save Sirius.**

**Ron: No Yaxley, you're supposed to be our friend, this way.**

"Oh my, that was one of the funniest videos yet."

"No longer are you a ferret Malfoy. From now on we dub thee, Elfie."

"I don't think so."

"What yah gonna do Elfie?"

"Boys, stop teasing him and go get some snacks." Ron and Harry bolted to the kitchen and Ginny giggled at that.

"Did either of them notice that their pants had slipped down?"

"Nope." Soon, a crash was heard and then complete silence until…

"RON, GET OUT OF THERE NOW!"

"DUDE, IT'S STUCK!"

"YOU FREAKING IDIOT!"

"Shut it you prat!"

"Dollophead!"

"Asshole!"

"Ginger!"

"G-unit!"

"You don't even know what that is in the Muggle World!"

"So? Was it insulting?"

"No, it's a street term for a friend, you wanker!"

"Should we just let them be until the glue wears off?"

"When did you slip glue on Ron?"

"It's on his arm and hand and I did it when he was holding me."

"Granger, if I was a lesser man, I wouldn't mess with you."

"You're next Malfoy…you thought the Weasley twins were bad yet Harry, Ron, and I have some Sirius and Remus training for pranks plus the twins." Said Malfoy heir gulped and knew that after this was all over, Hogwarts would be in for it.

AN: I'm SOOOOOOOO sorry for the long wait guys but life is just so crazy! I hope this was as fun reading as I had writing it…I'll tell you I was nearly dying with laughter writing most of it. XD

And for those of you who get insulted by the use of my insults, here is a word of advice as this has popped up in other chapters as well:

Ron is virtually ignorant of the Muggle world, knowing what little he does from Harry, Hermione, Fred, George, and his father. His knowledge is disjointed and so what little slang and insults he's heard have no meaning to him personally, he just understands the tone he hears them in. The use of any of my insults in banter are done in such a manner where he has heard it and doesn't understand it and uses it as he heard it, as children do when people don't watch their own lanugage around them. I am personally a very open-minded person and have no hatred to any one group of people and I do not appreciate being insulted for it as I have a few friends who are Jewish (as I'm addressing the previous use of Jew in this chapter) and yet I know if they read this, they would laugh as most all of you are. Please, before you insult me for using some of chosen words, think of the context I'm putting them in. Even though I've changing the insult to something a tad more _appropiate_, remember this for when you read my stories in the future. I am an open person with no biases against anyone and I hope my statement now makes those of you who would condem me for such banter and insults feel guilty.

I feel sad for having to explain my writing choices in such a manner but it apparently needs to said.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoyed Thanksgiving and hope that your Yuletides are relaxing and filled with calm and love!


	29. Act 2 Scene 12

Act 2 Scene 12

Harry and Ron finally made it out of the kitchen and their predicament caused Ginny, Draco, and Hermione to laugh hysterically. Ron's forearm and hand were stuck to Harry's boxers where his pants had started to fall despite the thick belt he had on. This caused Ron's arm to be stuck and every time he tried to disengage his arm, he ended up pulling Harry's underwear away from his body.

"Hermione, a little help here please!" Hermione shook her head and kept laughing, so glad her joke had worked on them. It hadn't been easy once she discovered the super glue laying around (she didn't know why) and decoded at some point she would get her two best friends. Dumbledore took pity on them and motioned them to go into the men's area. Draco left to see what happened.

Inside the room, Dumbledore was telling Harry that to fix this he needed to strip out of his boxers and then Dumbledore would pull them from Ron's arm. Draco snuck into the corner, watching as Dumbledore went to get Harry a new pair of boxers while he awkwardly stripped away from Ron.

"If anyone hears of this, I'll be richer than the Queen." Ron jerked around, causing Harry to trip as he had his pants around his knees.

"Malfoy, this doesn't leave this room or you'll find all your undergarments turned into diapers understood?" Malfoy nodded but still had fun watching Potter finally get away from Weasley and try to be modest.

A few minutes later, allowed the four men to reappear in the room. Ron's arm was red and looked a tad sore but he was otherwise unharmed. Harry was beat red in the face when he took a seat next to Ginny. Malfoy returned to the floor as Ron sat next to Hermione. Snape took this as the queue for everyone being ready and played the next video.

**-Come in on the end of Umbridge sentencing Sirius to death and Dumbledore rescuing them-**

**Umbridge: Kiss them all, kiss the children!**

**Dumbledore: Magic! Ah, Harry, let's go boys. (escape)**

**Umbridge: No, get them! Ah, forget them. We'll get them later. Dementors, I order you to kiss Sirius Black.**

**Harry: The only person who's going to kiss Sirius Black is me.**

**Ron: And me.**

**Hermione: And me.**

**Draco: And me.**

**Yaxley: And I'll kiss him too.**

"Apparently Sirius is a very kissable man."

"You can say that again. I think as soon as he was thirteen he was chasing skirts all over the castle. Annoyed my dad and Remus to no end."

"Why do I want to kiss my own cousin?"

"Why not?"

"Not going there Granger."

**Umbridge: Potter? But I…but you just went…but I saw you go…but…DUH!**

Hermione snorted at the reaction while Harry smirked at Ron. He had had a similar reaction when they had travelled like that.

**Fine, it doesn't matter. Dementors, I order you to kiss all the childrens.**

"Would Umbridge really do that?"

"Remember my trial?"

"True."

**Harry: It's time put our Patronus' to the test. Get those happy thoughts ready.**

**Ron: and don't cross the streams.**

**All Five: Expecto Patronum!**

"I wonder whose is whose."

"Mine's the stag obviously. At least they got one thing right." Harry was proud of his Patronus.

"I claim the genie!" Ron looked excited.

"I want the Muggle looking guy with the gun!" Malfoy looked at what was left.

"That means I get the first one. What was it?"

"The first one was a superhero of some sort. It's a Muggle good guy that beats up the bad guys."

"Eh, I'll live."

**Umbridge: Now my fans' going!**

**Harry: Now for you Umbridge. You terrible, horrible bitch, you just want everybody to be as miserable as you are. You're so focused on your past that you can't appreciate the present. That's no way to live. How can you possibly move forward if you're always looking back?**

"Wow Potter, quite the speech there."

"That's my Harry for you. He always gives someone a chance to redeem themselves before he's all bad-ass on them." Harry blushed again at Ginny's words.

"Ugh, lay it on any thicker Weaslette and he'll burst into flames."

**Umbridge: You're right. How come I never saw it before?**

"It's something I try to do all the time Harry. I'm very proud of where you've come." Harry smiled at Dumbledore, blushing stronger at the compliment.

**Harry: Umbridge, there's always time to make amends.**

**Umbridge: How come I never saw…what a little faerie you are Potter!**

"What?"

"After all of that, she's just like Voldemort! Unable to feel remorse and realize they're wrong!"

"Horrid bitch! After he put his wand away and became defenseless!"

**Weapons now!**

"I need to start doing that!" Harry looked at the gun and thought about it.

"Harry, there's no cure for a bullet."

"Maybe a knife then."

**And the one behind your back.**

"A sword really?"

"I can fence Potter."

"Really? Maybe I need you to teach me."

"Why?"

"Eh, dabbled with a sword in second year to kill a basilisk."

**Now for you Potter, I think it's time for that long overdue punishment. I'm gonna pop your head off with my bicep. I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you Momma!**

**-Neigh!-**

**Firenze: Not if the good Firenze has anything to say about it.**

**Kids: It's Firenze, our centaur friend!**

**Firenze: It sure is.**

"Ha, I loved him as a Divination professor. It was like laying outside looking at the stars on a nice summer night."

"Man his homework was easy too and he explained the purpose behind the methods of their ways. So much better than Trelawney!"

**You! You, bitch, unhand HP at once.**

**Umbridge: Fine. I'm not afraid of you. I'm gonna p-own this pony! –fight-**

"GO FIRENZE!"

"Don't let her in! Block on the left!"

"Yeah, show her you can take anything!"

"CHEAT! DIRTY PUNCH!"

**Firenze: This must be the emotion you humans know as blood.**

"Not an emotion really, but fight through it!"

**I'm bleeding.**

"Yes, smile and throw her game off!"

"NICE HOOK!"

**Umbridge: Bring it motherfucker.**

"Oh, that hurts."

Ron, Draco, Harry, Dumbledore, and Snape all cringed when she nailed him in between the legs.

"That's an unfair advantage in all male-female fights."

**Firenze: My chest…**

"Guess it would be on an centaur but still…"

**Silence!**

"YAY!"

"KNOCK HER OUT!"

**Umbridge: No, no this impossible! I'm invincible.**

**Firenze: Oh ho, what marvelous strength!**

Hermione gagged on her breath.

"No way…" Harry looked at her expression but it didn't click with anyone else of the teens.

"No idea what she's on about…"

**Wondrous day, finally I may have found someone powerful enough to coitus with the centaurs!**

"That's just disgusting!"

"My god that's horrible!"

"Burn my brain now!"

"UNCLE SEV I NEED TO BE OBLIVIATED NOW!"

**Kids: YAY!**

**Umbridge: What?!**

**Firenze: I shall take her to my tree village and tonight the centaurs will make celebration (French pronunciation). With dance and song and music and much coitus with this one.**

**Kids: Yay!**

Real Teens…

"I think I'm going to be sick."

**Firenze: Thank You Harry Potter. You have saved my people.**

**Umbridge: No, I can't go into the forest with a bunch of centaurs. I have a boyfriend. Help me, help me, help me, help me!**

**Kids: Yay!**

"Ugh, that was disgusting!"

"Way too many mental images now…"

"Nope, I can't even mention them they're that graphic."

"Stop your whining you brats and watch the next video."

AN: Almost Over….


	30. Act 2 Scene 13

Act 2 Scene 13

**Harry: We did it guys.**

**Dumbledore: Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, what happened to Umbridge and the Dementors?**

**Harry: Oh we took care of all that. I have a funny feeling we won't be seeing Umbridge again. Ever.**

**Cho: Well Chocolate Frogs, Harry Potter did it y'all.**

**Sirius: Ugh, my aching head…**

"Oh poor Snuffles…"

"He's been slightly forgotten in all that excitement."

"If you can call being scarred for life excitement then yeah, he was."

**Seamus: Bloody Form!**

**Dean: It's Sirius Black!**

**Arthur: Quick, somebody call the Ministry!**

**Molly: Oh Arthur.**

**Arthur: Oh that's me isn't it?**

"Ha, as if Dad would be that slow."

**I'm silly.**

**Harry: We're alright. It's okay, Sirius is our friend.**

**Hermione: Yeah, he's really nice now,**

**Dumbledore: It's true everybody, he was framed. He's cute too.**

Harry gagged at that while Dumbledore blushed in embarrassment. Why must they have portrayed him in such a perverted light?

**Arthur: But I'm afraid there's no proof.**

**Remus: How much no proof is there now? What you're looking at is the corpse of Peter Pettigrew, the man thought to be killed by Sirius years ago. Can I get a time-of-death on this please?**

**Neville: Well, I'm no coroner but it looks like he was killed, uh, ten minutes and thirty-six seconds ago.**

**Remus: Thanks Neville.**

"Muggles can't do that with bodies."

"Yes they can. Not down to the seconds like that but they can determine TOD down to the hour and set a time frame for catching the murderer. They also use DNA and fingerprints and crime scene recreations, amongst other things, to solve crimes."

"DNA?"

"Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid, the chemicals bonds that determine everything alive. It makes my hair brown and yours blonde. It makes Ron's freckles appear where they do and the exact formation of every body part and piece and so much more!"

"Hermione, don't kill him with information."

"Fascinating! They can do all that?"

"Yup, they can. That's why they can determine how someone dies when hit with the Killing Curse because they can see that the person literally just dropped dead. Magic won't be able to hide for much longer."

**How could Sirius have killed him years ago if he's only been dead ten and a half minutes?**

**Molly: Yeah why does he look all freshly bloody and mangled?**

**Arthur: yeah, how did he end up like that? Lupin?**

**Molly: Yeah, Lupin.**

**Remus: Yes, probably the work of that infamous Hogwarts jaguar.**

**Dumbledore: Makes sense to me.**

**Remus: Yeah yes, the Hogwarts jaguar, responsible for so much property damage to Hogwarts this year, especially in my office. –cough cough- Lupin shouldn't have to pay for that. Yes, who said that? Probably that jaguar! Bless his small adorable paws that he trips over when he's running too fast.**

"Being a bit selfish Lupin?"

"Yeah Mooney, being a tad guilty?"

**Arthur: Well, in light of this new evidence, I on behalf of the Ministry of Magic hereby absolve Sirius Black of all crimes.**

**Molly: Oh Ronnie you're a hero, my son.**

**Sirius: Kids, come here. You saved me. Thank you so much.**

**Harry: Of course Sirius, hey, listen I was wondering maybe this summer instead of going back to the Dursleys, I was wondering if maybe I could stay with you?**

**Sirius: Harry, I am homeless. Can I live with you?**

"I would have laughed if that's what he had told me."

"Would you have said yes?"

"Yup."

"Dursleys would have been angry."

"What are they going to do against a fully-trained wizard?"

**Harry: I don't think the Dursleys would like that very much. So, where you gonna go?**

**Sirius: I don't know. I mean, I've been in prison so long I thought I'd just travel the world. I've always wanted to see Venice.**

**Harry: If you're gonna be gone for a while, why don't you take this with you? Accio Broom!**

**Sirius: In the face Harry, your Firebolt.**

**Harry: Listen Sirius, do you some money or something?**

**Sirius: Oh no no, I can…how much do you have on your person? I'm just going to take your whole wallet.**

"Like I would have had any money on me."

"You don't carry it?"

"Nope, never leaves the dorms or my room unless I'm going to Diagon Alley."

**God bless you, you coming Luppy?**

**Remus: Sure am Sirius.**

**Harry: Lupin, aren't you going to stay and be our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?**

**Remus: No Harry, I've quite literally taught you everything that I know. The last lesson was how to get yourself fired, in fact, Dumbledore just fired me. Even after my fake jaguar story and everything.**

**Harry: There you go. Oh man, I'm gonna miss you guys.**

_I do every day._

**Remus: Hey, don't you worry Harry, I'm sure we're going to be seeing plenty of each other next year. Isn't that right Draco?**

**Draco: Nope, rather not say.**

**Remus: Alright.**

**Sirius: Hop on Luppy.**

**Remus: I'm taking front.**

**Sirius: Take the captain's seat.**

**Remus: Well,…**

**Marauders: BYE!**

"Are they together Harry?"

"Nope, Remus has a thing for Tonks that he won't realize and accept and Sirius…well…"

"Sirius has joined the Potter's in their new life."

**Snape: Ugh, my head I'm so magically hung over. **

**Dumbledore: What did you do last night Severus? **

**Snape: Well, I broke a couple of my own rules, I suppose. Confessed my love for Lily Evans, I saved Harry Potter, and I made-out with Grubby-plank again.**

**Dumbledore: Severus, you're too cute.**

**Rita: Well hot damn it certainly has been a remarkable day hasn't it HP and co? I'm going to write an article all about it. Perhaps it could make the Prophet's front page.**

**Everyone: Yay!**

"Horrible sneaking beetle….should have squished and been done with it."

**Dumbledore: Come on down to the Great Hall kids for a wicked party! 6-7-8!**

**Everyone: Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw. Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how-to-draw book!**

**Hermione: Draco, aren't you coming?**

"Hermione were you singing with them?"

"Yup, I was. It's catchy."

**Draco: I'd reckon I'd run into my past-self there. No.**

**Hermione: Oh, see yah. Hey Draco?**

**Draco: Yeah? I was wondering…if you and your dad really did come back in time then how was our first year at Hogwarts really supposed to go?**

"Oh, fight Draco, win Quidditch, defeat trolls…"

"Learn spells, find hidden corridors and three-headed monsters…"

"Make friends, have fun and defeat Dark Lords…"

"All before bed!" The trio smiled at each other, knowing their first year was filled with adventure, friendship, magic, and fun.

**Draco: Oh well, looking back on it, it's supposed to go exactly like this, just makes a lot more sense to me now. I guess we were always supposed to go back. But I have to go to the forest and wait to catch up to my own time so, goodbye Miss Granger.**

"Ah, there is a gentleman in there somewhere!" Ron snorted while Draco pouted.

"Of course there is or my mother would ream me a new one."

**Hermione: Bye.**

**Draco: Miss Granger.**

**Hermione: Yeah?**

**Draco: I know past me might say some awful things but I hope you can forgive him.**

**Hermione: No. I can't forgive him…but I think it's about time I forgive you.**

Hermione looked down at Draco and then scooted off the couch and down to the floor next to him. He looked over and then he was engulfed in a Hermione hug. Draco was unaccustomed to the feeling but it was warm and made him fuzzy inside.

"Granger what are you…"

"Friends hug each other and you're now a friend Draco."

She released him and went back up to Ron. Draco felt better somehow, lighter, than before.

**Draco: Hermione, I have something to tell you.**

**Hermione: Yes, Draco?**

**Draco: You're the prettiest girl in the entire school.**

**Hermione: Really?**

**Draco: And I'm actually quite fond of you.**

**Hermione: Draco, what are you saying?**

**Draco: I didn't come back just to save Harry. I guess what I'm saying is that every time I look into those beautiful boobies of yours I can't help but feel that I'm in danger of falling in love with Hermione…**

Harry laughed outright at Hermione's cringe and the denial of her character to Draco.

"Sorry Ferret, but I believe you have been put down."

"Shut it Potter." But Draco was smiling at the screen too.

**Hermione: Oh, oh, oh no.**

**Draco: What?**

**Hermione: Draco I know that I have the lowest self-esteem out of anyone at Hogwarts but…but I think that I can do better.**

"Hear that? I'm better than Draco!"

"Not better than me though!"

"Right now Harry is winning with you two tied anyways."

"Why tied?"

"Believe it or not, Ron has a nice streak in him occasionally."

**Draco: Oh, sure no problem. No kisses for Little D, that's fine. I'm an asshole.**

**Hermione: No, don't feel bad. Listen, you're always going to be a stepping stone on my journey to feeling good about myself. So thanks for being there for me to step on. Bye!**

"This would have been funnier a few days ago when we weren't friends."

"You're an odd one 'cause it's funny now."

**Draco: Yeah no problem. See yah. What a bitch.**

**Firenze: Why my best friend and leader, Little D. Why the long face my king?**

**Draco: Oh, nothing, just bitches ruining my life.**

"Oh my, is he smoking?"

"Ugh, I hate that crap. Dudley does it on occasion and it reeks in the whole house."

**Firenze: Oh Little D, I've seen you grow up so much over the course of this past year. You're brave now. You're courageous. You're artistic, you're heroic. Little D, you're cool.**

"No, Draco-Ron-Ginny, whatever you do, stay away from cigarettes and chew. They will kill you!"

"No they won't…"

"Yes they will, it's a proven fact and no amount of magic will help you either."

**Hold on, that's me. It's a text from Umbridge.**

**Draco: What'd she say?**

**Firenze: "Where do you go? I miss my little pony. Less than three." Ha, oh a heart. I rather like this human. Well Little D, we should get going back to the centaur tree village.**

**Draco: You're right. No sense sticking around here. This place has really gone to the dogs.**

**Luna: Well perhaps next year you'll be transferred to Pigfarts.**

"HAHA, they brought in Luna!"

"Yes, you work them girl!"

**Draco: You know about Pigfarts?**

**Luna: Oh yes, there's an article all about it in this week's Quibbler. Care to read it with me?**

**Draco: Oh, I don't need to read an article to know about Pigfarts. I can tell you all about Professor McGonagills, the Flying Fish, Slitheress Snake and his vendetta against Growles Rumbleroar.**

**Luna: I'd like that. I'm Luna Lovegood.**

**Draco: Oh right, you're that girl that was mysteriously absent from our second year.**

**Luna: Yes.**

**Draco: Would you like to come live in the centaur village with m?**

**Luna: Sure. Good thing I brought extra diapers.**

"About time someone else wore those blasted things other than me!"

"Yes, Luna, who I took to Slughorn's party with me."

"Who fought your father and his Death Eater friends with us last year."

"Yeah fine, but someone else does!"

**Draco: I wear diapers too.**

**Luna: All respectable wizards do.**

**Firenze: Neither of you are riding on my back, let's walk.**

"I wouldn't either."

"Yes, there's only one video left!"

"Hurry!"


	31. Act 2 Scene 14

Act 2 Scene 14

"Yes! Zefron is back!"

"No more Taylor!"

**Dumbledore: Glad to know that things are finally get back to normal around here. Good to have you back Zefron.**

**Voldemort: It's good to be back.**

"Wow, I didn't know they did that."

"They don't."

"Oh."

"Only you Potter."

"No help Malfoy."

**Scarfy: Oh Sortie, I missed you lie the Dickens.**

**Sorting Hat: Scarfy, I've had a lot of time to think and, well, I never want to be apart from you again. Will you make me the happiest hat alive and be my magical enchanted accessory for life?**

"Ah, he's proposing!"

"It's adorable!"

"…"

"Women…"

**Scarfy: You call that a proposal?! Ah, Sortie, you're hopeless.**

"I thought it was cute!"

"Hermione, calm down, he probably accepts."

"How would you know this Harry?"

**But, yes! Yes, wizard god, yes! –make-out session-**

Harry looked at Hermione smugly and Ginny made him look at her.

"My proposal better be amazing Potter."

"You'll never forget it love."

**Dumbledore: Congratulations you two! Can I be the best man?**

**Scarfy: Oh Dumble-dear.**

**Harry: Hey Professor Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore: Oh hey Harry.**

**Harry: I was just stopping by to say goodbye before I went home for the summer.**

**Dumbledore: Oh that was very sweet of you boy. While you're here I've got something that belongs to you. Harry, I don't know if I can ever thank you enough. Not only did you help save me but you also helped save the entire school and Sirius Black. Harry, we are cool, I mean it, from now on boy you and me, we are tight.**

"So it happens in year one?"

"Apparently so…"

"Professor, we tight?" Dumbledore chuckled at the young boy and shook his head.

"Ah, really?"

"Harry, I'm not that hip but we are close my boy."

"I'll live."

**Harry: Really?**

**Dumbledore: I knew it ever since you were a little baby and I let you with the Dursleys, one day you'd grow up and be a Gryffindor just like your mom and dad. I'm sure they're very proud of you wherever they are now.**

Harry nodded at that, having seen them in the Mirror of Erised. Sirius and Remus had a plethora of stories of them to share. He had gotten closer to his parents the past couple years than ever before.

**Harry: Dumbledore, about my parents and the Dursleys…**

**Dumbledore: Yeah?**

**Harry: How come I had to grow up in the Muggle world where everything just kind of sucks? Why couldn't I had grown up in the wizarding world where everybody is, I don't know, cool and…**

**Dumbledore: Worships you, treats you like an idol and not like a little boy? Harry, I didn't want you to grow up in a world where this wasn't special.**

"Is that true?"

"Besides the blood wards and your safety there against the Death Eaters the first few years after that, yes, I put you there so you wouldn't be overwhelmed before you could even walk and talk."

**Because it's our time away from Hogwarts that makes these seven short years here so precious. It's like with Ron and Hermin. Truly you're not going to see them for a while now but Harry, you've got these days of summer to remind you how much you really love them.**

**Harry: Yeah, I guess so.**

**Dumbledore: It'll all make sense when you're older now get outta here you little scamp. I've got to go interview a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I've got it down to Gilderoy Lockhart, Mad-Eye Moody, and some fella named Squirrel. I don't want anybody dangerous so I think I'm gonna go with the squirrel.**

"Oh yes Professor, he was the least dangerous of those choices."

"Depends on how you look at it…Quirrel harbored Voldemort, Mad-Eye was impersonated by a loyal Death Eater, and Lockhart was just pathetic."

"Rather take Moody again, at least we learned things."

**I'll see you next year boy.**

**Harry: I'm gonna miss you Dumbledore.**

**Dumbledore: I'll miss you too kid. I love you. Disapparate!**

**Seamus: Alright Harry, see you next year.**

**Harry: Alright, have a good summer Seamus.**

**Dean: Peace my brother, my brother.**

**Harry: Ah take it outta here you crazy son of a bitch.**

"Harry, Language."

"It's not like I actually talk like this!"

**Snape: Harry Potter! I thought you might like this. It's a picture of your mother, the last I know that she had.**

**Harry: Thanks Snape.**

"Do you…" Snape looked at the young James clone and nodded.

"I might be able to bring them out during a detention." Harry nodded.

**It's really nice of you. You really are a great guy.**

**Snape: I said you'd like it not that you can have it. It's going back under my pillow where it belongs.**

**Harry: Geez, Snape is such a dick.**

"It's not me, I swear!"

"You're lucky Potter."

"Don't I know it." Harry mumbled under his breath thinking of his life.

**Ron: Hey, we don't have to worry about that now Harry because well, because it's summer. (singing) We've got these days of summer to remind us of each other.**

**Hermione: The time we have to spend a part will keep us in each other's hearts.**

**Harry: I'm hoping that the good old days are something I will dream about at night.**

**Draco: Don't matter if it's sooner or later, I know that it's gonna be alright.**

**Together: I don't wanna see you go but it's not forever, not forever. Even if it was you know that I would never let it get me down. 'Cause you're the part of me that make me better wherever I go. So I will try not to cry, but no one needs to say goodbye.**

"We should sing when they stop dancing. This is the final song from the musical and you remember are thing we're doing."

"Okay, we'll do it when they stop."

**Dean: I can't just stop dancing y'all.**

**Whoa, whoa, whoa.**

**Cho: Ow ow ow ow ow!**

**Summer!**

**Whoa!**

**Students: "I don't wanna see you go but it's not forever, not forever. Even if it was you know I would never let it get me down. 'Cause you're the part of me that makes me better wherever I go. So I will try not to cry, but no one needs to say goodbye!"**

**Hermione: Harry, can you believe that we only get seven years at Hogwarts?**

**Harry: Yeah but that's what makes it so special. Sure we have to go back home for the summer but imagine how totally awesome going back is going to be. Until then, I've got to go back to the Muggle world where they'll tell none of this is real or none of this happened. You know what, it was real and it did happen. We spent time here, we made friends here, that's a part of us. That's Hogwarts, it's bigger than any of us; it's bigger than any of its founders. It's gonna be around long after we're gone. Maybe we'll see our kids come here one day. That's the thing about Hogwarts, no matter how long you're away from it, there's always a way back.**

Harry and them jumped up immediately hearing the music change and started singing right along with them as they did at the end of the other one.

**All of Them Singing: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts; to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts. Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends.**

**To Gryffindor!**

**Hufflepuff!**

**Ravenclaw!**

**Slytherin!**

**Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

**Dumbledore: I's sorry what'd you say?**

**All: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

**Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!**

**All: HOGWARTS! HOGWARTS!**

**Harry: Man, I'm glad I went back.**

The kids fell down laughing again, happy for the end of the sequel.

"Wow, a lot happened in that year."

"Yeah…hey wait what's that?" Hermione scrolled to the video that said STARKID ANNOUNCEMENT. She clicked on it and they sat there and looked surprised.

"There's one more?"

"Wow, one more to go then?"

"Senior year….that's our final year…"

"We look so much better too."

"That's because they've grown too. Harry cut his hair."

"Wow…wonder why he did?"

"No idea." They watched the clips they were shown and Hermione choked as Gilderoy was shown.

"I'm not washed up!"

"He's really trying that again?" Draco shook his head and smirked.

"Wonder what happens now?"

"Chamber of Secrets obviously but how does Ginny get the diary? And why didn't we think to search for all the damned Horcruxes?"

"The amulet said no more were existing."

"IT'S ALL LIES!"

"Harry, calm down! You'll win again." Harry looked at his right arm and thought about it.

"If they are accurate, you're gonna freak out when I fight the basilisk." Hermione looked surprised and Ginny looked ill.

"Least we'll know what happens."


	32. How Will It End?

We are going back...

Since I have now watched AVPSY, my story will continue and I'll still bring in my new characters, don't worry. For my followers, the end is still postponed as we continue our viewing with our favorite characters that have stolen our hearts in the best franchise of the decade.

An apology to not getting the intermediate story up but this makes it easier in my mind and I can go where I truly wanted to with the musicals. I hope you can forgive a young student for not having the time she wants to write.

Now, who is ready for Senior Year?

-Charmed Star


End file.
